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My actions were all too familiar, dredging up the feelings I had as I looked over the ledge outside Gorlassar. I couldn’t see an end to that drop. That drop meant certain death. The drop to the alley below? I wondered how it felt to hit the earth. How much cushion did the snow give? How many bones would I break? I wouldn’t die from such a fall, but how much pain would I endure?
My fingers let go for the briefest moment, but I caught myself as I pitched. I laughed at my inappropriate thoughts. Was I so desperate to feel something, other than my misery, that I’d consider stepping out another foot, that I’d peel my fingers away from the wall that held me?
These were wicked notions. Only someone who was corrupted thought such things, surely. But I did think similar things before I flew away from Gorlassar the first time.
Corruption comes from within. Even an emrys had impure thoughts. No one was exempt. My father was proof of that. They were wrong. Everyone back home was wrong. We were as flawed as humans. Our light meant nothing if we didn’t honor it and allow it to purify us.
Could I purify myself with my own light? Could I scald the dark shroud off my heart? How?
Deian, I don’t know what I’m doing! Take my torment from me.
I wished, with all my soul, that I had Kenrik to walk me through the confusion. He promised to help me understand forgiveness. Curses! Curse those wicked men I killed. If the world didn’t have so much darkness, the raid wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have slaughtered them and needed to repent. I wouldn’t be alone, without my dragon.
I was conflicted. Why did I need forgiveness for the lives I took? They were evil!
Seren couldn’t even fly me through the storm—my physical one or my emotional one. Her absence was dredging up all my heartache. I didn’t have Aneirin to goad me into adventure to forget some stupid mistake I made or some disagreement I had with my parents. All I had left were the emotions of a former life. The memories brought only sorrow.
As I studied the street below, I realized I wanted the fall to smack the emotions out of me. When my body broke, my humiliation, shame, and anguish would go with blessed relief. Would Father have pity on me if I shattered my spine? What if I cracked my skull? No, that was impossible. Father wouldn’t change.
A breath of frozen air filled my lungs, reaching to my toes. Flakes covered my hair, turning me into a white ghost—a ghost of myself. I tilted my face to the sky and felt each perfect crystal speckle me.
Make me as white as you are. Wash me clean. I arched my back as my fingers slipped one by one. I closed my eyes.
The fall would be over in two seconds.
“Niawen!”
I gasped and stumbled. Caedryn’s hand closed around my wrist. He pulled me off the wall, but as soon as I was on solid ground, he relinquished my hand.
My body was shaking violently—I was so scared out of my mind. “What are you doing up here?”
“What am I doing up here? What are you doing up here? I came to prevent you from doing something rash.”
I was mortified. I wasn’t actually going to jump, was I? “Were you prying into my private emotions? I thought you said you didn’t do that?” My hand curled into a fist. I pinned it to my side so I wouldn’t punch him.
“You weren’t exactly being subtle.”
“You have no idea what I was doing.”
Caedryn sneered. “You wouldn’t hurt yourself. Naturally you weren’t really going to jump.”
“This is what I prefer to do in my free time. I like to ponder life’s meaning while gazing over a deadly drop.”
He tossed his hands up. “Fine. By all means, please, climb back onto the ledge.”
I shook my head. “You can’t tell me you don’t know how I feel. I’ve lost everything. You’ve been there.”
“You’re right. I have.” Caedryn breathed in my face. “But my men saved me. That’s why I’m here now, whether you’ll accept my help or not.”
“You just don’t want to be alone anymore. You want me here so you’ll have someone to live out your eternity with.”
Caedryn closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose. The muscles in his face tightened. His voice dropped. “You’re mistaken, but you go on thinking that. I’m going to sleep. The night is young. You should go to bed too. Maybe you’ll find your forgiveness in the morning.”
My mouth fell open as Caedryn strode away.
The rat.
FORTY-TWO
