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I paused in my circling to narrow my eyes at him. “I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to drive me away because of last night.” Because of how I crawled into bed with him or because of how we woke?
“I’m helping you understand I’m not someone worth saving.”
“We’ve been over this.”
“Let me have my say. While I offer my home to you, I don’t want anything from you in return.”
This was about our night together. “Just my presence.” Did he think I wanted a relationship? I certainly wasn’t looking for a prince. I wasn’t looking for anyone. Even if he was oblivious about our fingers, he assumed the night meant more to me.
Caedryn smiled. “I’ll concede that. Yes, your presence might be all I require.”
I stepped closer, and Caedryn stepped back, into a chair, and fumbled to the side until he was clear. I didn’t laugh, but his movements were comical—Caedryn cowering from my advance, as if he was afraid I was going to touch him again.
“Anything else you want to goad me with?” I was put off that he didn’t know what happened or admit to what happened. Why was I dwelling on a pinkie touch? I was being illogical. “Or anything you want to say to scare me off? You make absolutely no sense. You lure me here, but you hold me at arm’s length. You hint at secrets, as if you’re dying to reveal them, but you make vague references to how dark and evil you are. I have yet to spot any evidence of that.”
“I’ll tell you my tale. Then you can decide for yourself what kind of man I am.”
“All right.” I perched on the back edge of a sofa with my arms crossed.
“My liege, Lord Siarl, recruited me to be a spy and gain access to Empress Rhianu’s inner circle. I became a chancellor in her court, with the expectation I’d betray information about my province to her, as I was expected to convey information about her region to Lord Siarl. I always stood to the empress’s right, behind her, in the shadows. She asked my opinion on everything, in private. I was to be unseen. Wherever she went, I was there, only not there. It was understood that I didn’t exist.”
“You were a double agent.”
“Of the highest caliber.” Caedryn scrutinized my face for a reaction; I gave him none. “Lord Siarl knew I had planted myself into the most essential parts of her life.”
“What changed?” I asked. “Why’d she exile you in the end? Did she find out who you were?”
“She didn’t figure out my role as a double agent. My downfall was on a personal level. I’d betrayed the empress’s heart.”
Her heart? I tried to imagine Caedryn as a betrayer of hearts. I couldn’t. He was cold on the surface when he wanted to be. Although he was weaseling his way into my heart, if only just as a nuisance.
“On the exterior I was an impenetrable crust,” Caedryn said. “Unyielding. The empress thought I was ruthless in the ways I extracted information, not knowing Lord Siarl and I fed her false intelligence. On the inside, I had a soft spot for her. Because I was near her always, I became aware of her weaknesses. No man thought she carried any. But I learned a horrid truth. She was being controlled. A far greater might made her do the abominable things she’d done to gain rule over her realm.”
“How do you know she didn’t want to do the things she did? I don’t believe a person is without agency. Even when tied in chains, there’s always a choice.”
“I believe you’re right. I didn’t see her true nature at first. I felt compassion for her plight. One day I barged in on the empress having a conversation with someone I assumed was her dragon. She was arguing. As I listened, I realized she was begging, pleading for mercy. She was weeping on the floor. I couldn’t bear it. I swept into the room and knelt beside her. Desperate to be consoled, she threw herself into my arms because she trusted me.
“She told me she was the Vessel, that she did things for her master. Sometimes she regretted them. If she failed, he punished her. During her confession, she stiffened and pulled away. She became her hardened self again. But I knew. I was privy to her lapse.”
“Sounds like a hormonal malfunction.”
Caedryn’s eyebrows quirked. “Are you belittling your sex?”
“I’m a woman. I know how we are. Sometimes we feel as though the world’s ending when our turmoil is inescapable. Come on, Caedryn, you saw me when I arrived. I would have bared my soul to you. I was desperate for relief.”
He laughed. “You don’t remember half the things you said to me, do you?”
I shook my head.
“Emotions are dangerous. You don’t need to be a woman to be overwhelmed by them. As an emrys, as a half-emrys, we’re particularly swayed. They’re stronger to us. We feel more deeply than mortals. We hate with greater intensity. We love more completely. We’re ever confused by each and every inkling that surges inside us.” Caedryn locked eyes with me, as if reminding me of the meltdown that blew apart his study and of his internal scars that caused him to quiver in terror.
I shut my mouth. No, he was reminding me of my impulse to climb into his bed. He thought I did it because I had feelings for him. I most certainly did not have the inklings he spoke of.
He continued. “Ever since the day I consoled her, the empress looked at me differently. I looked at her differently. In my heart, I vowed to free her. After some digging, I learned that becoming the Vessel was the only way.”
“The Vessel? What is that?”
“The Dark Master’s vessel. Whoever is the Vessel becomes the Dark Master’s hands on Bryn. The physical hands to do what he cannot in his eternal prison.”
