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I didn’t care. One hundred and eighty-nine people. My breathing became shallow. I stared at my hands. No. No. No. “How do you know how many?” I whispered as I sank to my knees. So much for a blank slate. Why did he throw this in my face? Hysterics overwhelmed me. I was no better than Caedryn. So many lives gone because of me. I dug my fingers into my chest, curling over my knees, as sobs overtook my shaking body.
“I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have said any of it,” Caedryn said near my ear.
I choked. I gasped because of his nearness, but I didn’t look at him. “Why did you?”
“You’ve triggered something in me I can’t explain. This didn’t go well. This is not how I wanted our conversation to go. I can’t give words to what I’m feeling.”
I sniffed as I rubbed the tears from my cheeks with my palms. I wasn’t sure what he was trying to say either. “I told you to let me in.”
“I’m sorry. By the light, I’m sorry. I’m an idiot. And I give you permission to blast me whenever you want. It’ll help you heal.”
I laughed through my sniffles. I glanced to the side between a crack in the fingers covering my face. Caedryn must have crawled over to me because he was lying on his stomach, with his hand extended, palm up. He’d buried his face in the carpet, with his other arm around his head.
I was as unbalanced as Caedryn. I should have gotten up and called out to Seren. Just ran to her and flown away. I had no idea where. My brain screamed all sorts of things I should have done.
But I huddled in my ball, with Caedryn waiting, reaching out to me.
I couldn’t help but think he was strategizing some perverse game. He’d ripped the reaction right from me, as if I’d played into his hand, although I didn’t know why.
This fiasco all started because I’d unearthed a hole in his heart-center.
Blackness that needed to be filled with light.
My blackness shrouded my heart.
His was a mass in a hole in his chest.
My hand twitched. One gesture would change everything. With one decision, I could forgive him. I was not bound by chains. I had free will.
He was hurting just as much as I was.
He deserved compassion.
Decide.
He’s waiting.
I clasped Caedryn’s hand.
He gripped mine in return.
In this moment, he’d won. But I let him.
“By the way,” he muttered as he looked up, smiling. “I do believe my head’s bleeding.”
FIFTY
I didn’t think I’d go to Caedryn’s room that night, but I also didn’t want to wait for him to howl, leaving me to run halfway across the keep in the dark. I hesitated. I could go to him. Stay with him. Like the other scandalous night.
What would Caedryn do if I walked into his room and slid into bed with him again? I wiggled my nose. Had we come to a conclusion with this afternoon’s argument? I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t tell if he wanted me around or if he wanted me gone.
I wanted to pull my hair out.
I stood in the corridor, debating which turn to make.
Right, and I would be safe in my chamber. I’d hear Caedryn scream his anguished cries, and I’d rush down the halls to his rescue and snap him out of his scourge. Or would I leave him to suffer?
Left, and I’d lie beside him, tucked around my pillow with my hand outstretched, waiting anxiously for him to touch it.
