AllFreeNovel
Share Us
His relief was dependent on my light, the little light we shared as he reached out every night.
He always did the reaching, but I left my hand there for him to touch.
Because I wanted the punishment and the intimacy with him.
It felt so wrong.
And it also felt incomplete.
The day Caedryn destroyed his study, I touched him. I caressed his face and brushed back his hair. He hadn’t flinched. I never touched him more than I did then, but I believed he was so distraught he didn’t notice. The regression, to the skimming of our littlest fingers, was the madness that tore through me.
As we roamed about Gorlassar, Aneirin had touched me on many occasions. Even though emrys didn’t express emotion through everyday touch, we didn’t shun it. When in training, I crashed into opponents, grazed them, fell on them, bruised them. Touch was natural. Especially among mortals, but Caedryn’s lack of touch was a noticeable barrier. Unnatural. As if he went out of his way to not touch me.
All except my finger.
The image of the horror on his face, when I shoved him over in bed that first night, led me to believe Caedryn was seriously impaired—deprived. Neglected. Did his mother not touch him as a child? Was he afraid to touch me more because the sensation was peculiar to him?
My conjectures really disturbed me because I sensed an unspoken, uncomfortable vibe between us.
It was part of the torture.
I expected too much. I kept thinking of how Kelyn would hug me or fiddle with my hair. How Owein constantly slipped his arm around my waist or took my arm. Kenrik fought with me. I could still feel his body connecting with mine during training and feel the way his strong hands brushed mine as we scooped feathers up to throw.
This awareness of their lingering sensations was the humanity thing again. I had adopted their desire—their want for touch.
I was the one who was deprived, and Caedryn was provoking me with what I couldn’t get—with only a slight taste. A tingle of vibration in that rankling appendage!
I needed to stop sleeping in his room. An emrys wouldn’t do such an immoral thing.
The blackness in my heart persuaded me to participate in unconscionable conduct I wouldn’t normally consider.
That was another excuse. And I knew it.
But deep inside, the dark secret that hummed through every fiber of my being was that I loved the abuse Caedryn and I were enacting on each other.
How could I stop?
I wondered what his man and my maid thought. They must have been relieved Caedryn wasn’t wailing through the night. On the other hand, were the servants whispering?
“Lowri?” I asked, as she squeezed me into a dress. I don’t know why I let her put me in one on occasion, but she always beamed and remarked at what a fine figure I had. We were in my rooms, and she was helping me dress for the day after I came from Caedryn’s room in my nightdress and robe.
She never remarked.
“My lady?” she asked.
“Are you bothered by my improper behavior? You know I’ve been sleeping in his bed.”
“That’s none of my business.”
“We don’t… touch really. We haven’t… you know.”
“The master’s happy. That’s all that matters.” Lowri finished with the back of my dress and smiled at me.
“He is?”
“Aye, my lady. He is.”
FIFTY-TWO
