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With my head spinning, I transferred a sleeping Anya from my truck and into her bed. I walked back downstairs in a daze and sank onto the couch. Down the hallway, the door to my bedroom was open, and if I closed my eyes, it was so easy to imagine Isabel as she’d lain in my bed. Once more, I was struck with the complete pendulum of our interactions.
There was no lukewarm.
No shades of gray to dissect.
I stared at the wedding invitation, and imagined showing up for her there. I imagined staying home, knowing I’d think of her all evening.
Because I couldn’t not, I imagined what Beth would say. What she’d tell me to do.
Before I knew what I was doing, I pulled out my phone and dialed my parents’ number.
My mom picked up on the first ring.
“Miss me already?” she asked, smile evident in her voice.
“I lied. Earlier.” I punched the button to put her on speaker and set my phone down, idly scrolling until I found a picture of Beth on my phone. From before she was sick, before her cheeks hollowed out and the skin shrank over her bones.
Her response took a few seconds in coming, “Okay. What about?”
“When I told you not to worry.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I don’t … I don’t know what to do, Mom. And normally, I can imagine what Beth would tell me, what advice she’d give me, and I can’t with this.”
My wife’s face smiled out at me from the phone, but for the first time in two years, I couldn’t hear her voice in my head. My hands started tingling, my neck tight and chest as heavy as if an elephant sat squarely over my heart.
“Talk to me, son,” she said gently.
There was no part of me that wanted to recap my relationship with Isabel, so I picked up the proverbial scalpel and cut straight to the heart of what was bothering me.
“What does it mean if my feelings for Isabel are … fuck, I don’t know, bigger? More intense. More,” my voice faltered, “everything, than what I had with Beth.”
“Oh Aiden,” she exhaled heavily, “there’s no rule book for this. Nothing that says you can’t love someone in a different way than you loved Beth.”
“I did.” My finger and thumb tightened on the bridge of my nose again until it hurt. “I loved her. She was kind and funny and a great mother, and I never wanted this to happen. I don’t know what it says about me that Isabel is nothing—and I mean nothing—like the person I loved first.” I dropped my hand and forced myself to stare at Beth’s picture. The gold of her hair and the deep dimples on either side of her smile. I pinched my eyes shut. “Isabel scares the hell out of me, and I never had that with Beth.”
She made a soft sound that I couldn’t decipher.
“And I promised her,” I said quietly, “I promised her and Anya, and I don’t know how to break that promise without feeling like I’ve betrayed her memory.”
“Aiden,” she started cautiously, “I loved Beth too. But she never should’ve given Anya that list. I know she was just trying to make a scared little girl feel better, and maybe it made her feel better too, but I don’t think she truly meant to box you into something you didn’t really want.”
A stray tear slipped down my cheek, and I wiped it away.
“You are not betraying Beth by finding happiness, son. It’s horseshit, and if she was here, she’d tell you the same thing.”
I exhaled a laugh.
“You are so honorable. You’ve always done right by the people in your life. It’s what made you a good father, and husband, and son and brother. But the only thing that matters is that you find someone who loves you and loves Anya. That’s it.”
“It’s so soon,” I said quietly. “And when I moved here, I wanted calm. Peace. We’d had so much chaos, so much upheaval.”
“Isabel doesn’t bring you peace?” she asked.
I exhaled a laugh. “No. I don’t think I’ve had a moment of peace since I laid eyes on her. She’s too … she’s more than I expected.”
My mom sniffled on the other end of the phone. “You know as well as anyone, there’s no rule book you can follow, no plan that is guaranteed. And if this person can bring life into your heart, into Anya’s, then you owe it to Beth to see where that leads.”
It took me a second to find my voice, but when I did, it was hoarse. “You know, I think even if you’d told me to let her go, find someone … else, I don’t think I could’ve done it. But I’m glad you didn’t say that.”
“I can’t wait to meet her,” she said warmly. “Now how can I help?”
