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The first tear slid down my cheek, and I rubbed a knuckle underneath my eye, but something about feeling the wetness against my skin—tactile proof of all the things boiling over inside me—just made it worse.
A sob stuck in my throat, a pressing, thick pain that felt like it would never leave.
“I feel like there’s no way I won’t mess this up,” I admitted in a hoarse voice. I pressed the heels of my hands against my eye sockets, still crouched there in front of his grave, that dirt-filled hole that couldn’t give me advice and couldn’t make me feel better about any of this. “And I can’t mess up with her.”
The words held a desperate edge as they came out, choking me in a way that I’d never experienced. But something was liberating about letting them be said. So I did. And I let the clear, bright day and the yellowing grass, the cold hard stone in front of me bear witness to the thing I’d been terrified to admit.
“No matter how hard I tried not to, I fell in love with my best friend, and nothing has ever scared me more than this.”
I sank my head into my hands and breathed hard for a few minutes, the truth of it washing over me, wave upon wave of warm comfort, utter rightness, swallowed by uncertainty and icy fear. Then the cycle would repeat, and fuck if I didn’t want to just settle on one.
“What do I do, Dad?” I whispered brokenly. “God, I wish you were here to tell me what to do. I have lost so much in my life. I’ve buried you and Mom, and I already know what it’s like to live without Harlow, and now that I have her back in my life, I cannot fucking handle the thought that she’d be one of those things I’d lose again. Everyone thinks this should be so easy, to change something this big between us, but it’s not. There’s no going back once we try this, and it’s not just me and Harlow. I … I would never forgive myself if I hurt them, if I lost them.”
Letting the words out, yanking them out of wherever they’d been hidden didn’t free me. I didn’t magically feel lighter. But I could breathe through the pain of knowing what held me back, the understanding bringing the last few days of indecision into focus.
The sound of a car door had me standing, frantically wiping at the wetness on my cheeks with the heel of my hand.
“Ian?”
When I turned, Sheila was approaching with a small bouquet of red roses in her arms.
“Hey.”
The tear-thick sound of my voice had her pausing, her eyes going glossy. “Oh, sweetie. Please tell me I’m allowed to give you a hug right now. I don’t think my heart can take it if I don’t.”
With a quiet exhale, I opened my arms, and Sheila walked straight into them. She was so much shorter than me, and when I tightened my grip, she felt so small. Since Dad died, she’d lost weight, and that had my ribs squeezing uncomfortably.
“You don’t have to tell me what brought you here, Ian,” she said quietly, refusing to let go. “And I know that I don’t give nearly as good of advice as your dad did, but I love you as if you were my own, and I’ll listen if there’s something you want to talk about.”
My eyes burned again because of all the things I’d lost in my life, gaining this woman was such a fucking gift.
It was almost identical to what I’d said to Sage on the front porch, and I tried to imagine a version of my world where they wouldn’t be there, where I couldn’t throw a football after school, or let that kid braid my fucking hair, or help with a tangled necklace, or watch Harlow’s favorite movies or dance with her in the dark.
Impossible. It was impossible to imagine, clawing straight through whatever walls I’d built until they were reduced to ash.
I pulled away and stared off at the trees and mountains in the distance. The immovable mountains, unshakable and strong and true.
“I’m in love with her.” I swiped a hand over my mouth, not pausing to consider what dominoes might tip over as a result of letting it be said. “And I’ve been afraid to admit it because if she doesn’t love me back like this, or if I do something to screw it up, I am completely terrified to lose her forever.”
I quickly glanced at Sheila and found her watching me with infinite patience. There was no I told you so, no triumphant smirk, no we all knew this would happen.
Instead, I found the kind of understanding I would’ve seen in my dad’s face. Eventually, she nodded, letting out a thoughtful sigh.
“Loss is one of the hardest parts of life, isn’t it? No one’s immune to it. Sometimes we know when it’s coming, and sometimes we don’t,” she said quietly. While I watched, she crouched down and gently laid the roses in front of the headstone, then smoothed her hand over his name while her chin trembled. “Your father was my best friend, too, you know. We could talk about anything, and that man understood me in ways no one else ever has. Choosing to love each other after everything we’d been through was the biggest gamble of our lives.”
Sheila sucked in a deep breath and stared at the lifeless rock in front of her, voice hardly above a whisper when she continued. “Some days I still wake up and think, oh God, I don’t think I can do this without him. I miss him so much that I can’t believe I’m still standing.” With tears streaming down her face, she stood and cupped my face. “Even if I had half the time with him that I did, there is not one second of this heartbreak that I wouldn’t do a million times over because of what it was like to be loved by him, to build a life and a family with him.”
I wrapped her in another hug and held her close while she cried. Even through the heavy pang of sadness, knowing she still felt this way, knowing that the only way to lessen the power of those fears was to simply step into them, I could finally think clearly as I allowed Sheila’s words to knit something back together in my head.
“You just have to talk to her, Ian. The biggest changes in our life always come with a little fear and a lot of honesty.”
“And if she doesn’t feel the way I do?”
Sheila pulled back and looked up into my face. “I won’t speak for Harlow because it’s not my place. But that woman has always seen straight into your heart. So let her see all of it.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly. “You do him credit, you know. Taking charge of the family.”
She pulled back and emitted a watery laugh. “That’s hilarious that you think I’m in charge, sweetie. I’m just along for the ride.”
