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But did that make it my fault?
I knew what Lucas would say. He would argue no, a thousand times over most definitely not. For the moment it seemed like my mom would agree with Savannah, and I had no idea where I stood on the issue.
Because I agreed with what I had said before. Savannah and Georgia had been the ones to pressure me into all of it. Even if I had taken the first sip, they had been the ones to put the drink into my hands. They had even told me how worthless I would be if I didn’t lose my virginity that night.
So maybe I didn’t agree with them, and I thought Lucas was right. It wasn’t my fault, I had been pressured, I had been violated and I had never said yes to any of it out loud.
But that didn’t mean that I didn’t grieve some loss. That I didn’t miss having friends. That I didn’t still want a wider support network around me.
I just wished that I had picked better while I was in school the kind of people that I wanted to surround myself with.
Because now the only person I had was Lucas, and that really hurt a lot.
No matter how much I loved him, no matter how important he was to me, he still couldn’t be a whole support network. He couldn’t replace the love of my mom, and he couldn’t make up for the fact that I had had shitty friends in college, and they were hurting me even now.
So throughout the day while he was gone, no matter how hard I tried to distract myself and move away from the thoughts of how bad I was hurting, I just felt like I was going to cry.
12
Lucas
I didn’t know if the fact that Bernadette hadn’t called or texted me once throughout the whole day was a good or a bad thing.
I knew that it either meant she was coping well, or she wasn’t doing well at all but was just too scared to call me and disturb me. I hoped that she was doing well, but as I walked into the house, I realized that it was exactly the opposite.
She was curled up on the couch in the living room, softly sobbing into her hands.
I rushed over to her immediately, kneeling down in front of her so that I could grasp her hands and squeeze them tight in my own as a gesture of reassurance.
“Bella, what do you need me to do right now? We can talk about what’s going on if you want, or I can help distract you so that you don’t have to think about whatever it is that is making you cry right now.”
“I think I need to talk about things,” she said, wiping her face with her free hand and suppressing another sob. “There’s a lot that’s going on.”
“I know. You have a lot to deal with and I can’t imagine the hormones are making it any easier. Let’s talk then.” I got up to sit next to her on the couch, pulling her into my side and squeezing her tight. I had always been the one to comfort her whenever we were little, and so it felt so natural to do it now.
“I called my old friend today,” she said, which made me look at her in surprise.
“You mean your friend from college?”
She nodded.
“Oh Bella, why did you do that? You know that neither of those girls have your best interests at heart.”
She sighed. “I know that. I really do, especially now. But the fact is that I wanted someone else to listen to what’s going on. You’re incredible and I’m so grateful that you’re here for me, but you’re also the only friend I have, and you’re currently deeply involved in the situation.”
I should have known that she would feel lonely. All this time that I had been coddling her, that I had been having lunches with her at work, had I actually been preventing her from doing what she needed to do and making better friends?
That’s certainly what it was seeming like.
“I’m sorry, I know I’ve kept you from meeting other people at the office. I’ve felt so protective of you, I’ve just wanted to make sure that you’re all right and that no one hurts you again.”
“You’re going to have to let me learn sometime, Lucas. Besides, I know that I can make better choices now. I know what I’m looking for when it comes to a friend. I need to be able to talk to other people, to have a larger support system.”
“I know, and I think I know just the way to make that start happening.” I winked.
She looked at me curiously. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I was thinking we throw a party.”
