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“Is the little guy okay?”
I looked up, almost startled to see Adrian still sitting across from me. “He’s hurting,” I said. “He went to the hospital today for initial testing. It was scary and a little painful, and I wasn’t there.” I didn’t want to cry, but the urge was right there, balancing on a knife’s edge. “You were just telling me I was a terrific mother,” I said, voice thick with emotion, “and you couldn’t have been more wrong.”
“Whoa, hey, no,” Adrian said. He reached for me, wiping away my tears. “What you’re doing is brave, and it’s so that you and Elias can have a better life. Without Hayes, you could settle down somewhere permanently and build a real home.”
“But—”
He shook his head. “I can see you spiraling,” he said. “I’m not going to let you slander yourself, all right? I wasn’t lying before; you’re the kind of mother all kids should have. Elias is lucky to have you to take care of him.”
I wasn’t at all sure I agreed with him, but I wanted to believe it, so I let myself be swayed. “You don’t think he’ll hate me?”
Adrian cracked a smile. “I think all kids hate their parents at some point in their lives,” he said. “But I don’t think you have anything to worry about right now.”
I swatted at him. “Don’t remind me of the teenage years,” I said. “I’m not ready.” Though I didn’t mean it, not really. All I had wanted since hearing Elias’s diagnosis was for him to beat the odds. I’d be thrilled if he got old enough to be sullen and acne-covered, hiding in his room and listening to terrible music. Making it to thirteen, to sixteen, to twenty-one would be milestone occasions—they would mean that he survived, and that was all I could ever hope for.
“I don’t think any parent is,” Adrian said, “but I think you’ll weather that particular storm just fine. You kept your head even when faced with a heavily armed private military group; I think you can handle something as natural as puberty.”
He was trying to make me smile, and damn him, it was working, even when I didn’t want it to. When I didn’t feel like I deserved it. “I think—” I sighed. “I think I’m going to shower. Turn in early, maybe.”
Adrian raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to join you?”
I shook my head, thinking of the last time we’d climbed into the motel’s shower together. It had been all wandering hands and searing kisses, and I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of that right now. “I’m not in the mood. I’m sorry.”
“You never have to apologize for that,” he said, eyebrows wrinkled in a cross between concern and consternation. “I just meant I could wash your hair. Maybe rub your shoulders a little.”
It was tempting, but I still shook my head. “I’d rather be alone,” I said, lying through my teeth. I’d like nothing more than to lose myself to the comfort of his arms, but I held back. What would the point be? When all this was said and done, what would any of this mean? Nothing. Elias was what mattered. He was the part of my life that was real and lasting, and he deserved my sole focus. He deserved a mother who could put everything she had into supporting and raising him. I’d had my fun, but now it was time to be serious again.
I left Adrian on the bed, looking slightly forlorn, and dug out my pajamas from my bag. “I won’t take all of the hot water,” I promised before I locked myself in the tiny bathroom.
The fan whined overhead, and the water splashed everywhere, but I stepped under the stream and let the water, near boiling hot, beat down on my shoulders. Usually, this was one of my go-to methods to relax, but today I found myself reaching to turn the temperature down.
I must be truly sensitive after everything if I couldn’t even handle a little sting from the hot water. Pathetic, I told myself. Truly pathetic.
FIFTEEN
ADRIAN
“Could you have picked a more rundown motel?” Gabe griped the moment he and Zach stepped through the door. “If I were hunting someone down, this would be the first place I’d check. Jesus.”
I snorted and looked at Zach. “Has he been a peach the whole ride here?”
Zach gave me a flat look. “Just about, yeah. He didn’t want to leave Charlotte and Savannah, as if leaving Marissa and Lacy was super fun for me.”
“Yeah, but your daughter is nine, so you could at least explain to Lacy why you were going. Savannah just kept demanding to come with me.” I wasn’t sure how eloquent a sixteen-month-old baby could be, but whatever she’d said had clearly been hard for Gabe to resist.
“Oh, I’m glad Elias didn’t do that,” Nataliya piped in, drawing all of our attention. She looked sheepish. “I don’t think I would have been able to get in the car.”
Gabe’s expression warmed. “See? Nat gets it.”
I wrinkled my nose. Nat. It didn’t suit her at all. “Nataliya,” I corrected.
Gabe blinked. “Oh, sorry.” He looked at Nataliya. “I apologize if that was rude.”
She shook her head. “It’s fine,” she assured him, smiling far too kindly. “I haven’t been able to use my own name in a long time, so a nickname certainly doesn’t bother me.”
I tried not to scowl. It was the most she’d said since the day before, and Gabe had gotten a smile. Ever since Sam called about Elias, she’d been distant, quiet, and sad with her expression defaulting to a frown. Not that I could blame her—I was worried about him even after only knowing him for a handful of days, so it wasn’t hard to imagine how helpless she must feel right now—but we’d called this morning, and Elias had bounced back just fine. He was chipper over the phone, and Sam promised that he had slept well and wolfed down his breakfast. But still, Nataliya hadn’t relaxed.
“What happened with the FBI agent?” I asked, interrupting them. “Did he ever come back?”
