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"Take a shower, Sugarplum. I'll get some clothes for you."
"I still need to pee," she complained, but her hands stroked Kai's back and she didn't pull away.
It shredded my soul to walk away, but unfortunately for me I was a selfless bastard when it came to family. Kai needed time with her, too. Probably more than I did; he walked the scythe's edge of sanity at the best of times.
His reaction to losing Haley unsettled me. I'd never seen him go so silent and empty before. Breaking shit, screaming, acting out with magic? Always. But silence, staring, and isolation? I didn't like it. But they'd take care of each other. Even though it cut me up, I put one foot in front of the other and left the bathroom.
"How is she?" Wane demanded the second I slumped into the living room.
"Alive," I replied, going over to my brother and wishing I knew how to ask for a hug.
I must have looked pretty pathetic because he drew me close and squeezed me in a hug without me speaking a single word.
"Right now, that's all we can ask for," I finished.
CHAPTER 9
KAI
"Shh," Haley murmured, holding me close as my body collapsed, a wrecking ball destroying my chest until all I felt was pain, crashing through my stomach until I felt sick. "It's okay, I'm okay."
The bathroom blurred, the violently rainbow shower curtain smearing across my sight until it taunted me, so fucking colourful when my whole world was black.
"Kai—"
I lurched aside, bowing over the sink a moment before vomit burned my throat and my stomach cramped, expelling bile. I hadn't eaten anything, so it was acid that scalded my throat and splattered across the porcelain.
Another wave of nausea ravaged my stomach when Haley stroked my back, murmuring words of reassurance when I started to shake, the vibrations deep and out of control. When her soul brushed mine, the bond healthy and strong between us, my knees buckled. I gripped the edge of the sink hard, holding myself up through sheer force.
"Don't lock it up," she breathed, pushing sweaty red hair out of my face when I continued to shake even after I stopped throwing up. "Let your emotions out, Kai. I can feel them tearing you apart."
I bowed over the porcelain and dry heaved, nauseated and cold. Haley was behind me, touching me, but a thousand miles away.
"Maybe I deserve to be torn apart," I said so quietly I didn't expect her to hear me.
"Come on," she said, softness swapped for decisiveness as she pulled me from the sink and towards the mammoth shower in the corner. What bathroom needed a giant shower and a bath big enough for three? This whole house was overkill.1 "Get in," she ordered, bustling me into the cubicle fully dressed and reaching for the fancy touch-screen pad on the wall.
"Haley," I sighed in complaint, jumping when water drummed down on me, freezing cold before it warmed, scorching my skin and bones.
"Stay here. And face the wall. Why does no one think I'm serious when I say I need a fucking piss?"
That was one of those things I knew I should have laughed at, but I just turned to the wall and rested my forehead against it, letting the water drown my clothes until my body felt as heavy as my heart.
I barely processed time passing, my head tipped down and numbness starting to spread through my body now the sickness had abated. Maybe Haley was right and my emotions were tearing me apart, but I couldn’t feel a single one of them. I couldn’t feel the barbed edges of my grief at losing her, or the wobbly relief at having her back, not a single spark of happiness or irritation or—anything.
I jumped when arms slid around me from behind. Haley’s voice was muffled and deep, but her words were alien when she spoke to me. I couldn’t make out a single word, and my tongue was too thick and heavy to ask her what she’d said. Did it matter anyway? She died. My mate died. I held her limp body, kissed her cold forehead, and screamed until my voice gave out and silence filled every part of me. How long would she stay this time? A month? A week? A day? Death would come for her. I was never allowed to keep anything good and pure.
Firm hands pulled at me, and I let her manoeuvre me in the shower, pushing me until I sat beneath the water’s spray. I couldn’t even tell if it was hot or cold, it just soaked me to the bone, slicked my hair to my cheeks and forehead, and dripped from my lips like poison kisses.
Haley spoke again, her voice deep and garbled. I couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand the sight of her when I knew I’d lose her again, couldn’t bear her scent in my lungs and the feel of her hands imprinted on my body. It hurt—every scent, every hug, every word. They hurt like hell, and I was too weak to endure it.
Haley moved my legs until she could kneel between them, her hands catching my numb face and lifting it. Look at me. I saw her lips move, knew the words even if I couldn’t hear anything but a blur of noise.
I swallowed, my eyes fixed on her chin where an old scar nicked her skin, so small but as familiar as any scar on my own body.
She was here and real and I couldn’t accept it. The second I did, she’d be ripped away from me again.
I gasped when she pulled me close, the heat and feel of her making the entire foundation of my being tremble like it did when she held me from behind. Gentle fingers carded through my wet hair, pressing my face against her shoulder, my nose so close to her neck where her scent was inescapable.
