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My stomach churned, my eyes burning. We were both covered in water; she wouldn’t notice if I cried, would she? I let the tears fall, scalding my eyeballs before they dropped onto her skin, washed away with the rest of the water.
Murmurs blurred in my ears as she held me close, not caring that we were both dressed and soaked through. She held the back of my neck in a firm enough grip that I felt it even through my numbness, and more tears fell.
I was going to be sick again; I could feel it in the twist of my stomach and the sharp ache in my chest, burrowed deep into my soul. I wanted to scream again, wanted to sob, but I swallowed the sounds and—
I knew those words. My breath caught as the rough blur of noise resolved into words in my native language, one line repeated over and over, promised over and over.
A small sound choked in my throat and I sniffled, tears flowing faster.
I will always be your shadow and light; you will always be my rose and life.
I didn’t realise she knew them by heart. My face collapsed; I buried it in her shoulder and cut off every pained sound that tried to claw its way free.
"Let it out, my night," she murmured, her thumb stroking circles on the back of my neck, making my breath catch. Like the hitch gave it a chokehold, a sob tore free, followed by another, and then five, until I didn’t stand a chance of holding them back. "I’m here, I’m here, let it all out."
A sharp, keening cry shook my chest when she spoke our promise again, her pronunciation clumsy and soft, making my stomach cave in. I clung to her with shaky, still numb hands and wished I could feel her, wished I felt her fingers as more than a faint brush in my hair. Her scent filled my lungs with every sobbing breath, taunting me with what I’d lost.
I couldn’t accept it. That she was back, that she was right in front of me. Relief crushed me when I first saw her, sitting on Em’s lap like it was a normal day, but I didn’t feel that relief anymore. I couldn’t feel anything but emptiness and pain and—fear.
"I’m not going anywhere," she promised like she knew exactly what I was feeling. "Do you hear me, Kai? I’m here, and I’m staying. No more fighting titans, no more god shit. I won’t even go to Hell to talk to my friends, because they’re right in the thick of all that bullshit, and I’ll just be drawn back in."
Something squirmed in my soul—her emotion.
"What?" I asked, hoarse and tight. "What is it?"
"Lucifer is dead. Cronus ate him. I meant what I said, I’ll stay away, but … Lili’s gotta be messed up right now."
"Everyone’s messed up," I rasped, her words clearer to me now, their meaning easy instead of sluggish.
She exhaled a rough sigh, pulling back from me and gazing at the wreckage of my face. "Kai…"
"It won’t work," I told her, too afraid to meet her eyes. "This. Holding me, talking to me. It won’t work. I died right there with you, Haley."
"But I came back," she said in a small voice. "Please look at me."
I shook my head, the numbness wearing off and exposing the tangle of pain and misery and sickness underneath. "No."
"What are you scared of, Kai? I’m right here. I swear it’s not a trick or a lie. I’m really here."
"For how long?" I tried to shift her away, to rise to my feet, but she wouldn’t let me. If I’d called up my magic, I could have moved her with a single snake, but that part of me, like my heart, was hollowed out.
"What?" she whispered.
"How long until the next death? How long until you don’t come back? How long until—until we have to bury you and throw dirt on your coffin and walk away forever?" My voice broke. Shit.
She shook her head, her throat bobbing. "Not gonna happen. We’re done with anything and everything that could ever hurt us. We’re done, Kai. Not even a damn bar fight."
When I just stared at the place her thighs brushed mine, she asked, "Do you think I want to die again? Don’t you think I was terrified, Kai? You know I still have nightmares of the first time we were killed, and this time was—worse." She sucked in a sharp breath, her chest jumping. "The first time, I was alive one moment and the next, there was nothing. No blackness, no white light. Nothing."
I knew. I’d experienced the same thing. My hands flexed, palms tingling; I rested them on her waist, sweeping my thumbs over the curve of her hip, and a new wave of tears squeezed out of my stinging eyes at the feel of her under my hands—hot and soft and familiar.
But if I accepted this was real, I opened myself up to losing her again. And I would; it was all I’d ever done. Love her and lose her.
"This time," she said, swallowing, "it wasn’t instant. I felt my life being stolen, and it took a whole fucking eternity of pain until everything finally went dark. I heard—I heard Em screaming. I felt your pain—yours and Harvey’s. I’m sorry, Kai. I know you’re angry, and I’m so sorry."
"I’m not angry," I said. "I don’t feel anything."
"Kai," she said, pained, and pulled me into a tight hug. Now the numb had worn off, I felt every indentation of her fingertips on my shoulders, felt the rapid beat of her heart against my chest and the quick, panicked rush of her breathing. Why was she panicked?
