AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I dared a quick glance at her face and sucked in a sharp breath at the ocean of misery in her eyes. Fuck. I pulled in a slow breath and shoved my way through the tangled mess in my chest, reaching for her soul. I jumped in surprise, snapping my arms around her and dragging her flush against me. She wasn’t just panicked; she was absolutely petrified, terror bleeding through her soul like shards of ice and venom, making every part of her it touched wilt and cry.
"I’m not angry," I repeated, some emotion seeping into my voice even as I flinched from it. If I let myself love her, unreserved, it would kill me when I lost her.
But if I held back, it would kill her now, while she lived.
"Not with you, my rose," I added, deciding honestly was the best policy. "With the world? With the monster who forced your hand? With myself for not glueing to your side? Yes. You? No."
I wasn’t angry. I was hurt and confused and insecure, but her soul was all around me and I knew if I spoke those feelings, she couldn't handle it. She was barely holding herself together, probably pushed close to a breakdown by our grief piling on top of her own.
"It’s not your fault," she argued. "Nothing you could have done would stop it. You’d have died with me and—and you might not have come back."
I wanted to push the subject, but a tremor went through her soul at the thought of me dying and I choked down the words, holding her tighter.
"Talk to me," she pleaded after minutes of silence, only the water drumming around us. "Please, Kai."
I tipped my head back so water cascaded down my face, the pressure hard enough that it felt punishing. "I can’t."
"It’s going to torture you," she breathed.
"My mate died. I’m already tortured."
She nodded, blinking fast. "I came back. I—I remembered you, and I came back. In the darkness, I could have just … slipped away and never come home, but I saw my mates. I saw you, following me from the safe house that night, giving me my daggers, kissing me until nothing else mattered."
Her voice choked off. My eyes burned, my teeth clenched as emotion ravaged every one of my weaknesses, clawing into my soul.
"I’ll lose you again," I bit out. "I always do. You’re ripped away from me every fucking time, and I—"
My voice twisted, a strangled, broken thing, and I ducked my head as I lost control.
Haley brushed wet crimson hair away from my ear and cradled my head to her chest. "Listen," she urged. "Listen, Kai. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. You can come watch me pee with Harvey if you want, I don’t care. Just tell me what you need, because I’m not going fucking anywhere."
I gripped her tight, my breathing fast and wrecked, but the rapid thud of her heart met my ears, drowned out every other side, and I had to clench my jaw to stop another destructive wave of tears.
"Haley," I rasped, the shower shuddering as my magic quaked through me. I jumped when she tugged a lock of my hair, hard enough that sensation flashed across my scalp.
"Stop holding back. If you need to cry, cry."
Her voice was every bit as stern as her grip on my hair. "I don't want to cry."
"Tough shit. Do it."
I laughed, a sob escaping on the tail of the sound. "My cruel rose."
I clenched my jaw tighter, the echoing thud of her heart in my ears, every thud-thud breaking down my walls until the trembling, terrified thing they hid threatened to escape. My hands flexed, holding her too tightly, and I unclenched them instantly, panic shooting through me like a falling star. What if I hurt her? What if I lost her again because I was too careless?
Fuck. She was really here, really back, and all I was doing was hurting her. She wasn't safe with me—
"What's going through your head, Kai?" she asked, her voice harder. "I can feel your panic escalating. Talk to me. And this time it's non-negotiable; we're not leaving this shower until you tell me what you're thinking."
I swallowed, the thump of her heartbeat driving into me like a punch to the gut every time. She was alive, and real, and I was fucking this up. The thought of telling her about the mess in my head made me want to throw up, but if talking was what she wanted, I could suck it up and talk.
"This doesn't feel real," I said quietly, only brave enough to confess it because my face was hidden in her chest. "I know it is, I can feel you through the bond, and I—I'm starting to accept that you're here, you're back with me. But it doesn't feel real. I'm—I'm grieving you, Haley, and you're right here but I'm still grieving you."
Her breath hitched. She held me fiercer. "I hate that you're hurting."
"I'm hurting because I love you," I said, swallowing, "and I'll never regret that. But losing you has me fucked up and I—I don't think I can be the Kai you love right now."
Fingers gripped my hair so hard I hissed; she pulled my head off her chest so I could witness the glorious scowl on her face. Fuck, I loved her. I missed her. I needed her.
