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"Where's everyone else?" I'd asked once, voice barely a whisper. But I knew the answer before Parker's silence filled the room. They were absent, just like their supposed loyalty. It was a lesson learned in the harshest of ways. Money could buy you company, but in the end, when you're lying on what could be your deathbed, it can't buy you love.
I shake my head, dispelling the ghosts of the past as I hear the plane engine approaching the hangar. With each breath in, it erases a little bit more of the bitterness that clings to my soul. I've found my truth at the ranch, among the grains and knots of the wood and the animals, far away from the false glitter of a billionaire's life.
"Ry, don't forget, you're still worth something without all that cash," Parker had said, clasping my shoulder, a lifeline in a sea of opportunists. And he was right. Out on my ranch, creating beauty from raw nature, I'm finally starting to believe it.
Time passes, even though I’m not able to get into my book that I’ve been trying to read to buy my time, and I’ve spent way too much time thinking about this trip, reading the same sentence a dozen times as a favorite album plays on my ear buds. It wasn’t enough to push her out of my mind, if only for a half hour.
The plane is pulling up now to the hangar, and I don’t wait for them to greet me at the end of the steps. Nope, as soon as the ladder lowers, I’m climbing up the steps. I stow my bag in the cabinet next to my seat and put my book and phone on the shelf between my chair and the window. I have a few minutes before I have to power down for takeoff.
It won’t be a long flight. When I land, I have a lot to do on the ranch, I need to go for a ride, and I have some decisions to make.
Hard decisions.
Chapter 20
Julia
I felt weird about the way I’d left things with Ryan once I had time to think about it at the end of the day. Was he angry with me? He’d texted me that he flew out and then he texted me when he landed. I was busy. I told him I was glad he made it home safe but hadn’t offered any other conversation. Should I have?
I’m not good at this stuff. I still can’t believe that someone like Ryan exists, someone I’m actually attracted to who seems to understand. But, after today, I’m wondering if he really does understand. I had made it clear that my career was the most important part of my life right now, even if I do have feelings for him.
I didn’t expect that either. Feelings. I don’t even know when it crept up on me and became what it is now. I know that I don’t want to lose him, but I also know that I’m not willing to give up my career for a guy. I’ve worked way too hard to get here. What I have here is mine and I’m not willing to give up any part of it.
He’s a country man and I’m a city girl. How is this supposed to work? He doesn’t seem to want to be in my world at all and I don’t want to live on a farm for the rest of my life. I have no purpose there. If we’re going to make this work, it has to be in our separate lives. Neither of us should have to give up anything.
I keep thinking back to when he was here, inside me, up against that couch. I think about all the other places he’s been inside me, moving in all the perfect ways he moves. No one nightstand of the past can ever live up to that. That’s how I know there are real feelings here. And I’m not sure how to handle it.
He makes me forget things. I was in the middle of building a presentation when he showed up; and I got so distracted by his dick that I missed adding a slide that was pretty important. I was able to make it work, but it was still embarrassing at the moment. Even now, after my day is over, I’m thinking about him. I should be reading, prepping for my meetings tomorrow, but instead, my mind is on when I’m going to see him again.
This isn’t me.
Tomorrow, I have another meeting with IT. We are still having difficulty launching the much-needed upgrades, and if we don’t get this done soon, the servers are going to be overloaded, and could shut down the entire freelance platform. I have to prep for options that we can do in case IT can’t fix the glitch. I can’t trust it to anyone else. I’ve always been like this, though, the person who has trouble delegating. This has to be more important than the next time I’ll see Ryan. I have to make my work a priority. THE priority.
When I get home, I pour myself a glass of wine, turn on my favorite playlist through the Bluetooth speakers connected to my laptop, and dive back into my prep work. I order some sushi from a place I know is open late. Then I turn off my phone, but not before I see that I have messages from Ryan. Although, I don’t read them. They can wait until tomorrow.
It takes another three glasses of wine for me to get to sleep. He’s on my mind after I’m done with my prep. I expect I’ll dream about him. When I wake up in the morning, I’m regretting those extra glasses of wine. I make my trusty hangover recovery smoothie and get going with my morning routine.
The barista at the coffee shop doesn't need to ask; she knows my order by heart. Latte in hand, bagel in tow, I face the day head-on with each step along the bustling street a chance to clear cobwebs and construct barriers against intrusive thoughts.
Ryan will understand, or so I tell myself while chewing absentmindedly on the bagel's edge. He knows me, my priorities, and he knows that when duty calls, I must answer first and foremost to it. But even now, walking alone with only the steam from my latte for company, I can't shake off his imagined response. His patience, or perhaps disappointment, is clouding the clarity of this brisk morning air.
The meeting goes well, and I’m glad that I put aside my feelings for Ryan for a day to get that handled. That’s when I have an epiphany. I can have my career and keep Ryan too if I put each in their own little box and keep them there. I can compartmentalize these important parts of my life and give them each the time they deserve.
By the time I sit down to lunch, there are nine messages from Ryan waiting to be read still from last night along with a few new ones. I open my messaging app while I’m waiting for my salad to arrive.
Message 1: Had a lot of chores to do when I got back, but I was thinking of you.
Message 2: Heading to bed. Hope to hear from you soon.
Message 3: Good morning. Good luck in your meeting today.
He remembered that I had an important meeting. He wants to hear from me, even though I basically dismissed him after sex when I know he wanted more before he left. My salad arrives, but I’m not hungry anymore. I keep reading.
Message 4: I know you’re heading in for your bagel and latte. I hope you have a great day.
Message 5: Did you do the meeting yet? How did it go?
Message 6: I’m starting to get worried. Are you okay?
