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“Get well soon and don’t worry about work.”
I drag myself into my bedroom on a mobile phone search. It’s not in my bag or in its usual place on the bedside table. Damn. My hands find my hips as I survey the room. Where the hell did I put it? Drumming my fingers against my lips, I suddenly remember that during our short session of acrobatic random sex yesterday evening my bag flew off the settee and landed on the floor, spilling a few of the contents. I totter back into the living room where Jess has made herself at home, feet on coffee table, laptop on her patterned legging-clad thighs. I bend down and she lifts her feet up.
“Lost something?”
“Yes, my phone.” I stick my head under the sofa, and there, amongst my lipstick, two sanitary towels and a packet of chewing gum, my mobile phone beams. I scoop them all up in my arms and get to my feet, panting, hair wild. “What’re you watching?” I sit down heavily next to her and switch on my phone. Within seconds it starts bleeping with messages and missed call notifications from Daniel, Nick, Louise, Stacey, Jess, Mum and …Ronan.
“Just something a friend from Uni sent me on YouTube. It’s so funny you should…” But I’m not listening to her anymore; all I can hear is the soundtrack of laughter coming from the laptop and Ronan’s voice.
“Hi Audrey. Sorry to call so early but, well…hope you’re okay, and…er…just wanted to say that when I left yours yesterday I picked
Nick up from Gerry’s and…erm…we had a bit of a heart to heart in the car and…” His voice is heavy, remorseful. “I didn’t realise he was still in love with you.” I frown, yeah right. “I thought you two were over. I just saw that girl getting dressed in his room and put two and two together. …and oh, Jesus, Audrey, I just feel so bloody guilty now.” Guilty? What’s he on about? “I don’t know how you’re feeling, probably the same.” The same? “Look, I’d better go. I’ll try you again later. Bye for now.”
I stuff the phone into my dressing gown pocket angrily. Guilty? I can’t believe he said that. Is that what I am? A guilty mistake? Not that I want a relationship with Ronan or anything, but still. Has he forgotten what Nick and Catherine did to us? I look at Jess, chewing the inside of my bottom lip.
“Were Nick and Ronan round yours last night?”
“Yeah,” she says, her eyes not leaving the screen, she’s now playing a game of Words with Friends. “Saw Nick going in just as I was leaving. Don’t know about Ronan though, doesn’t he live in Scotland?”
“Ireland,” I say dryly. “Actually, I could murder a cup of tea, Jess.” She springs to her feet and hands me the laptop.
“Two sweeteners, right?” I nod, tell her they’re in the cabinet next to the hob. “Here, you can surf while I make them.” How kind of her to allow me to borrow my own laptop.
I sit back and stare at an ad that’s just popped up on the screen. Guilty? I shake my head.
As soon as I sign into Facebook the orange icon appears like a beacon in the corner of the page. It’s from Nick:
Hi Audrey, I know that you won’t reply to my text messages or answer my calls but I need to explain what happened yesterday with Connie. I didn’t sleep with her. I kept my promise. That day when we were waiting for you outside your flat, we got talking. She told me she grew up in Crouch End and I said that’s where I live, she asked me where - I told her. She then got excited and said a friend of hers lives on Nelson Road, what number was I? The next thing I knew she was on my doorstep telling me she was just passing and wanted to say ‘hello’. She practically forced herself in for a coffee. Anyway, when I went off to the kitchen to make the drinks she stripped and got into my bed. Then the doorbell rang and you know the rest. I knew you’d get the wrong idea if you saw her at mine; that’s why I tried to hide her. I didn’t bloody know what she was up to. I was just as surprised as you were. Nothing happened, I swear on my mother’s grave. I didn’t have sex with her. I didn’t do ANYTHING with her. When you left I had a right go at her and told her to do one. Ronan took her home, he’s visiting, long story. Anyway, I just want you to know I’d never do anything to hurt you again. Ever. Love. Nick X.
I slam the laptop shut, face boiling, as Jess appears with two steaming mugs of tea. I twist my lips thoughtfully. Surely, he can’t be telling the truth…can he? Connie. There was a message from Connie on my voicemail. I quickly retrieve her message as Jess whips the laptop off me, all the while droning on about how their house has turned into a bloody hotel. Connie’s voice is loud and clear on the voicemail.
“Hi Audrey, it’s me. Obviously, you don’t want to talk or your phone’s in your bag, as per. Whatever. Anyway, I wanted to say that Nick got really narky and went all weird on me…” I can hear her taking a long drag on a cigarette. “He made me promise to call you and explain. Well, I’m calling but you’re not…” the line goes fuzzy, oh crap, not now, “and I wanted to but he didn’t…haha. Is he gay or something? Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you two but my dad thinks the world of you so… just don’t hurt him, okay. Oh, and thanks a bunch for spoiling his birthday surprise, by the way, it’s off now. Laters.”
“Shit, fuck. Shit”!”
Jess gives me a curious sideways glance, then turns her lips downwards and nods. “Nice choice of expletives.”
“Sorry, Jess.” I take a gulp of tea. The heat scolds my mouth.
“Hey, take it easy, tiger,” she says, the glare of the screen lighting up her fresh, smooth, rosy-cheeked face. “That’s bloody boiling.”
My hands tremble as I retrieve Daniel’s voicemail.
Audrey, where the hell are you, for heaven’s sake?” he sighs heavily, “I’ve been calling and texting you for the last hour. You should be home by now.” More sighs, “I’m sick with worry.” A heavy pause. “Look, I’m sorry about what happened at my flat. I really mean it. We need to talk. I want to explain. I spoke to Aliki, she told me you went round. I promise you on Lily’s life, there’s no one else. But Aliki’s right. I need to tell you everything about my past. Just call me. PLEASE. I don’t want to lose you.”
* * *
Later, as I take a shower, washing away my infidelity, I think about what I’ve done. I shouldn’t have had sex with Ronan last night. He’s right, it was a mistake. We were drunk. I was upset. Daniel had been so harsh with me, lying to me, playing me. And then there was Nick sleeping with Connie, well at least that’s what I thought at the time. Oh, hell, it’s all such a mess.
I turn the shower off and lower my dripping body onto the bathmat, guilt seeping through the pores of my skin, so powerful, almost asphyxiating. I dry myself off, the steamed mirror in front of me masking my shame. I can’t even look at myself. It felt all right when I thought that Nick had slept with Connie, when I thought Daniel had another woman on the go, a mistress, an ex.
Now I just feel like a vindictive cow. I’ve got to talk to someone. My first thought is Louise but I can’t burden her with my problems now, she’s got enough on her plate, what with Gerry and the adoption and Francesca visiting. And how will Tina react if I tell her that I shagged her ex-boyfriend last night? I decide very quickly that there’s only one person that can help me. One person who won’t judge me.
31
“Oh, Vicky,” I sob into her red cardigan, “what’ve I done?” We’re sitting on her worse-for-wear blue fabric three-seater sofa, which also doubles up as a trampoline for the kids.
“Shhhh,” she soothes, stroking my hair, “it’ll be all right. It was just a buddy-shag, that’s all.”
