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“A what?” I sniff, pulling away from her, “I don’t do those.”
“Well, a one-night stand, then.” A pink tinge sweeps over her face as she leans over and refills my mug from the cafetiere. Vicky never has instant coffee, which is a bit of a nuisance when she comes round to mine because that’s all I have.
“Oh, Vicky.” I rub a hand over my face. “If only I could highlight the last twenty-four hours and press delete.”
“If only,” she smiles. “What’re you going to do about Daniel?” She leans back and curls her legs beneath her on the sofa.
“I’m seeing him on Sunday,” I sigh. I called him on my way here, agreed that we should meet-up and talk. “He says he wants to explain. I owe him that at least.” She nods thoughtfully, says at least that gives me a couple of days to sort my head out.
“Are you going to tell him about, you know, what happened?”
“That I was unfaithful to him, you mean?” I say rhetorically. “There’s no need. I’ve decided to call it a day with him, anyway. It’s not working out. There’s no point in hurting him anymore.” Vicky’s eyebrows rise and fall.
“Shame, he seems like a pretty decent guy.” She takes a sip of coffee. “Am I allowed to ask why?”
“I’m not right for him. We’re not right for each other. We just don’t fit. He’s just too intense, fast-moving. I mean I like him, but…” I trail off.
“And what about Nick?” She eyes me carefully over her coffee mug.
“What about him?”
She puts her mug down and takes my hands. “Look at me.” I lift my head and meet her gaze. “You know you’re like a sister to me, don’t you?” I nod, it’s true, Vicky’s been like the sister I never had, “and that I only want what’s best for you?”
“Yes, of course, I do.” I look at her searchingly. Where are we going with this?
“Okay.” She takes a long breath through her nose. “Are you sure that Daniel isn’t just a smokescreen? That you’re still in love with Nick, that —”
“No, no, NO!” I cut across her sharply and pull my hands away, leaping out of my seat. “I care about Daniel.” Her eyes widen. “I do!”
“Then why are you dumping him at the first hurdle, hmmm?”
I start pacing up and down, wringing my hands. “Because… because of other stuff. He’s got too much baggage. He’s too full-on, suffocating. And God knows what bombshell he’s going to drop on me tomorrow. And he’s got a temper on him.” I run a hand through my hair, “I don’t need all that. I’ve had enough of being lied to by men.”
“I mean, let’s face it,” she exhales loudly, ignoring everything I’ve just said. “Nick only strayed with…” She waits for me to fill in the gap.
“I dunno.” I throw my hand up haphazardly and look out of the window at the thick, grey skies. “Some girl he met in a pub.”
“Well, anyway, you were actually on a break when he went off with pub-prossy. As far as he was concerned you two were over. It’s not entirely his fault she fell pregnant, is it? It does happen. Spontaneous sex, I mean, especially if you’re half-cut, as you know.” She leans forward and adjusts the baby monitor on the table in front of her, glancing up at the clock on the wall. It’s a quarter to two. “I’ll have to wake them soon or they’ll be up all night, and I need to take my meds.” I nod, wordless, arms folded.
“He could’ve used something,” I protest as she pushes her feet into her slippers.
“Well, we’re not all as sensible as you, are we?” She gets to her feet, we’re face to face. “Won’t be a minute.”
“He messed me around, Vicks,” I say into her back as she heads for the kitchen. “Then he left me, abandoned me.”
“I know, love.” She saunters towards me, pops a yellow pill into her mouth and necks a glug of water straight from the bottle.
“I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.” I rub my forehead, the painkillers are wearing off. “And now he’s having a child with another woman.”
“Some couples get through it.” She shakes her slippers off and sits back down. “How many people do you know who have children with other partners?”
I let her words settle in my mind like fresh fallen snow, and then I say, “But even if I was still in love with him, hypothetically speaking, that is! What if I can’t love his child?” I look up at her desperately. “What if he doesn’t love me with the same intensity once his baby is born? I’m scared, Vicks,” I gulp. “My heart can’t take any more punches.”
“Well.” She pushes my hair off my face gently, “Yes, Nick will divide his love between you and his child, but it’s a different kind of love, honey. And as for loving his baby, remember, he or she is a part of Nick, and if you love him you’ll…”
“No,” I snap, feeling as if shutters have shot up around my heart. “I can’t be doing with all that. If it was just an affair, a one-night stand.” I wave a hand in the air as Ronan’s face bounces into my mind. “Then maybe we could have worked things out, but this is too much.” I close my eyes briefly. “I can’t, Vicky, I just can’t.”
* * *
