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Katie raises her eyebrows. “Complicated how?”
I sigh and scan the pond, watching people play frisbee on the far side in the grass. “He’s my coworker. We work at the same firm. We're both lawyers. His dad owns the place. He runs it now because his dad isn't able and our relationship could jeopardize both our careers, our reputations, not to mention the firm’s reputation.”
No matter how I look at the situation, every outcome seems like some kind of disaster.
Katie clearly doesn't see things the same way. “So what? You're both adults. You're both single. Other people need to mind their own business.”
That's not the way any of this works. “It's not that simple, Katie. It's never that simple. There are consequences to everything, and I don't want to risk losing him or my job or my self-respect.”
“I know,” she says, a false smile on her lips as she watches people go about their strolls in the sunshine. “It’s not fair, is it?”
Nope.
“You shouldn’t let fear hold you back. When you get one chance at life, don't do things that you'll regret.” I know she's right, but the thing she doesn't seem to see is that I'm not sure which decision will lead to the least regret. I’m going to have regrets no matter what I do.
“Are you settling in well to your new office?” I ask, needing to change the subject away from myself in Clifton.
Her animated expression tells me everything I need to know. I'm so proud of her for her promotion to head of her department. She's worked hard for years, and she finally got where she wanted to be. I’m so happy for her.
“It’s amazing! I have a view of the city and everything!” She flashes me a sideways glance. “My offer for you to come work with me still stands, just so you know.”
I'm grateful as always for the offer, and this time I consider it.
It's not that I don't love my job. I do, and I love the firm that I work at. But if I left the firm, Clifton and I wouldn't have to worry about office politics. We could stop hiding our relationship and wouldn't face any potential backlash. We would be free to be ourselves and together.
But again, that leaves me wondering which decision I'd regret more, giving up my job working at the place I love or giving up the man I’m falling for. I’ve been losing sleep over this struggle.
Is being with Clifton without worries truly worth giving up my beloved job?
Chapter Twenty-five
Clifton
The doctor might as well have reached into my chest and pulled out my still-beating heart; that would be kinder than the news he just gave me.
Disbelief floods me and the weight of the news makes my legs buckle. I drop into the seat at my father’s bedside as words burst out of me.
“How was this missed?” How could they have made such a potentially fatal error?
But the doctor seems to have no answers, and I imagine that’s to protect himself and the hospital from a lawsuit. I glance down into my father’s pale face, wishing I’d have known, that I could have done something. The subtle rise and fall of his chest is little comfort as I take his hand and wrap my fingers around his.
As numbness wells up in me, replacing every feeling and thought, I try to stay present.
“I’m so sorry,” the doctor says before making a hasty exit from the room.
Sorry. They’re sorry.
I can't believe this is happening. I'd come in to see my dad today, so full of hope and excitement to see his progress. Instead, I learned that he's dying. Somehow an infection turned to sepsis without anyone noticing. And now his very blood is poisoning him.
What else did the doctor say? Something about how they're doing everything they can, but it doesn't look good and once again, I need to prepare for the worst. The words don't matter, only the way I feel right now does.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my father so soon after we'd finally made peace. I’d stupidly thought we were safe and that things were getting better. And by all accounts, they'd seemed to be.
Putting my other hand over my face, I slowly let my arm droop, dragging my fingers downward as I roll my eyes toward the ceiling, trying to figure out what to do now.
A bubble of pain pops within me and the sudden agony of knowing my dad is dying and I can’t do anything for him turns to poison within me. I’m going to watch him die, helplessly standing at his side while he faces the fight of his life.
My dad is the only family I have left. Once he’s gone, I'm alone in the world.
