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Emma threw off the covers, said, “I’m going for a run,” and locked herself in the bathroom.
She stared at her pale face, the bruises beneath her eyes, and knew that everything Kate was saying was true. But just because things were true didn’t mean you could necessarily believe them.
Take her mother. She knew her mother loved her. But it didn’t mean that her love was healthy or good for Emma in any way.
The same went for Jason. He’d meant it when he said he loved her. She understood that from a place deep within. But that didn’t mean that he’d fulfilled his need for payback, for revenge. It didn’t mean she believed he wouldn’t continue to punish her again and again over the years for her stupidity, her youth, her bad decisions.
After changing and leaving the bathroom, Emma jogged down the front steps and down the sidewalk. Her stomach grumbled and she was glad for it. She hadn’t eaten anything yesterday, almost as if she were punishing herself for daring to trust Jason, for daring to believe her life could be better, that she deserved more.
Her old patterns were reemerging: running on a empty stomach, feeling virtuous for not allowing herself to eat. The familiarity of returning to the way of life she’d always known comforted her, and she felt almost as if she were returning to herself. She was no longer in the fantasy world she’d been living in with Jason, a world where she didn’t work 100 hours a week, where she ate anything and everything she wanted.
A world where love actually meant something.
She crossed University Avenue at the light on a crowded Sunday morning in downtown Palo Alto filled with babies in strollers and parents. And lovers.
The sight of a couple walking hand-in-hand, sipping from a frosted drink in a clear Starbucks cup nearly felled her in the middle of the street. Tripping, she barely kept from skinning her knees on the pavement.
Somehow she made it to the other side of the street. And knew that she couldn’t do this to herself anymore. Couldn’t keep falling down and almost getting run over because of bad decisions.
All her life, she’d starved herself, thinking that if she was skinny enough then maybe she’d be happy. But really, hadn’t she only been doing that to make her mother happy?
And now, now that she was falling back into the black hole, she realized there was another person she wasn’t eating for: Jason. Hoping her frailty would punish him. Make it perfectly clear how much he’d hurt her.
Back in college, she’d known he’d been worried about her eating and exercise patterns. But he was too gentle to force her to admit that she had a problem. And then, in Napa, she ate to make him happy—every decadent bite of food a way to teach her mother and her ex-husband a lesson.
Had she ever made one single decision for herself?
Her stomach grumbled again and her legs shook from lack of energy. Today would mark her first official solo decision: She was going to stop hurting herself on purpose.
And she was never going to eat or starve for anyone else again.
Minutes later she was sitting at an outdoor table enjoying a sesame seed bagel with cream cheese. It wasn’t decadent by any means, but neither was it a weight-conscious choice.
But it did taste damn good, mostly because she knew it was her very first baby step in the right direction.
At long last.
“Sorry I screwed everything up for you, boss.”
Jason continued chopping chives. He’d been chopping and thinking all morning, trying to figure out his next step, the right move to get Emma back. She’d only been gone one day, but it felt more like a year.
“You’re a bastard, that’s for sure. I thought I could trust you,” he said, and then, “But you did what you had to do. What anyone would have done who wasn’t a complete prick like me.”
“Are you feeling all right?”
“Emma was going to find out sooner or later.”
“But she left you, man.”
Jason nodded. He didn’t exactly need Rocco to point that out. He could feel Emma’s absence in every breath. He saw her all over town, in every room of his house, in his kitchen.
But she wasn’t actually there. And it was his own damn fault.
“Yeah, she did.”And I want her back.
He didn’t need to say the words aloud for his friend to hear them. All along, Rocco had known the score.
He’d tried to warn Jason about his stupidity, but he’d been too blinded by self-delusion and wounded pride to actually take notice and listen.
“You should know, Kate’s been trying to get your lady to see reason.”
Jason put down his knife. Was it possible that he actually had an ally? He’d thought himself lucky to have even Rocco in his corner after the way he’d been behaving.
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Nope. She seems to think you’re capable of being a stand-up guy.”
“I can’t believe it. I thought Kate would want to slice my balls off and feed them to a pack of wolves.”
Rocco grinned. “That was her first idea, actually.”
Jason picked the knife back up. There went his only ally. “Great. Glad to hear it.”
“But mostly she thinks you guys belong together. Underneath her tough lawyer suit she’s just a big, soft romantic.”
Jason raised an eyebrow, trying not to be a selfish bastard who only thought of himself. Something in Rocco’s voice seemed to say that his buddy was unleashing his own gushy, romantic side as well.
“I take it things went well on your date with her last night.”
“You could say that. I’d call it spectacular, myself. She is one hot, smart babe.”
Jason smiled at his friend’s enthusiasm for a very unlikely candidate. Although, he had to admit, hot, smart babe was a good description for Kate.
“I’m heading down to Palo Alto in a couple of hours. Gotta admit I’m kind of looking forward to seeing what the world looks like in black-and-white Pleasantville.”
“It’s not actually that bad. There are a few slashes of color here and there.”
Emma’s blue eyes were the first thing that came to mind. And her lush red mouth. And those polished pink toenails in her sexy sandals.
“Then why haven’t you been back for so long?”
Jason didn’t reply. Why bother when they both already knew the answer? Obviously, he’d been scared shitless about seeing Emma again.
Because after all these years he couldn’t stop loving her.
Rocco acted like he’d just had a spur-of-the-moment idea. “Why don’t you come with me? Sam and Judy can cover for us. We’ll make it a road trip.”
