Page 124 of Gravity

Sitting on the opposite side of the room, he takes a seat, his leg jumping up and down with nerves. Grayson comes to sit at the side of me, taking my hand for support. Asher’s eyes land on our joined hands and his jaw clenches. Where I’m here trying to overcome one battle, it’s only now that I realize Asher is fighting two: his addiction and my relationship with Grayson.

The silence between us all is as cold as ice. I need one of us to speak, only now I’m unsure if I’m strong enough for this as my body begins to tremble with the anxiety, especially as Asher’s eyes still remain on mine and Grayson’s hands.

Unsure about what to do for the best, I turn to Grayson. “Can you give us some time?”

His eyes dart from me to Asher before he squeezes my hand. “You sure?”

“Yes.”

He holds my gaze for a moment, and I smile, reassuring him that this is what I need. “Okay. I’ll be outside if you need me.” When he stands to leave, he places a kiss on my head and murmurs. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

The second the front door closes, the tension is eased a little, and I exhale.

Wanting to get this over with and the conversation started, my eyes find Asher’s.

“Nora, I—”

“You could have killed me.”

They’re the only words I need to say for him to break. Leaning forward with his face buried in his hands, my big bear of a brother falls apart as I’ve never seen before. My heart collapses, and my tears fall right along with his as his apology spills out over and over.

How could I have been so blind? How did I not notice he was so damaged?

Needing to be close, I slowly shift myself off the couch and lean forward to grab hold of the coffee table, using it for support to help me move as I drag my leg. Pain shoots through my shoulder, but I push through it as Asher needs me more.

“Ash, help me.” I reach out and grip his arm for him to guide me to the couch. As I wrap my arms around him, all the distress and anguish I have felt over time leaves my body as I break down. The times I’ve needed him to support me with Dad’s death… The times I’ve wanted him to be here and he wasn’t... The time I screamed at him when I never wanted to... All of that comes crashing out around us as he holds me tight, making me wince with the soreness in my body but being too afraid to let him go.

“I’m so sorry, Nora,” he cries. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know.”

“I can’t lose you. I just can’t.”

“Shh. It’s okay. I’m here.” I grip him tighter, my hand rubbing his back, trying to comfort him. We hold each other until our tears subside, until our bodies relax and until the silence falls between us. And it’s a silence that is now killing me.

“Asher?”

“Yeah?”

“I need to know why,” I say, finally asking the question I’ve wanted to ask for a while. “I need to know why you’ve changed. I need to try and understand.”

His chest tightens under me, and I wait for him to give me excuses—to tell me he can’t do this. Anything that gets him out of opening up. But he doesn’t. Blowing out a heavy breath, he takes hold of my hand.

“But, Nora, how can you explain something when you’re unsure of what is happening yourself? My head was messed up long before Dad. And the only thing that eased the flashbacks was alcohol. I’ve lost so many men whilst out on the field and even more friends. I couldn’t bare losing anyone else.” He pauses. “When he became sicker, I couldn’t watch. So, I headed out, thinking it would help my state of mind. Only it didn’t.”

I lean back to look at him, his eyes haunted and dark. “So why not come home when he died?”

“I couldn’t.” His mouth quivers on a whisper. “The coward in me couldn’t. I’d failed everyone so much already, and the drink in me told me to stay away. I was so lost within myself that it was easier to not return.”

“You stayed away from all of us when we were broken and grieving, yet you made contact with Lacy.” The anger I have toward that woman races through me. “Do you have any idea how much that hurt us even more?”

“I know.” His head lowers. “She made contact with me, and for a while, I never picked up, but the more she called, the more I wanted to know why. In some sick and twisted way, it felt better to see her name on my screen than those I loved. Finding out about you and Grayson gave me a perfect reason to come home that didn’t involve me having to face the fact my dad had died. My battle with Grayson was an easy excuse to mask the storm inside I had with myself. I drank more whilst home because I struggled with being back. I couldn’t breathe with Dad not being here, and I loathe myself for failing him—for not being here when he needed me. When you all did. My selfish actions have made me lose so much.”

“What happened on the day of the accident? Why were you at the bar? Was it just to aggravate Grayson?”

“No,” he shakes his head and blows out a shaky breath. “The day I hit… The day I hit you, I went to see Dad. I sat there for ages, crying, talking. After that, the only person I wanted to see was Grayson. I don’t know if it was to talk, to argue or to do nothing at all. I just knew I had to see him. Only, when you have a drinking problem and you walk into a bar, your previous intentions disappear, and the temptation becomes too great. The drink became my only priority. Then after that, everything changed.” His voice cracks, and a fresh set of tears hits him when he looks at me. “I swear I didn’t know it was you, Nora. I never meant for any of this to happen. You have to believe me.”