Page 126 of Gravity

“Then that’s all you need to do.”

Chapter Thirty-Five

Grayson

The door to my house opens, and my chest tightens when Asher steps out onto the porch. Without a word, he sits on the bench in front of me, resting his elbows on his knees, his head low. This anxiety I feel is hard to comprehend. I’d wanted to be with Nora while she spoke with him but knew they needed that time alone. But now he’s sitting opposite me, the apprehension of what I’m about to encounter weighs heavy because I’m unsure which way this will play out. The moment Nora said she wanted to see him, a part of me was relieved because I’d secretly wanted that myself. The friend in me needed to know how he was. I don’t want to argue with him anymore, for the sake of Nora, but there’s also that animosity I feel after everything he’s put us through.

Watching Nora through the window fall apart in his arms, him cradling her like he once did, was not only a form of comfort but also hard to witness. All of that could have been avoided if it weren’t for his actions. The Nelsons’ could have mourned properly as a family instead of being torn to shreds from every angle. However, as much as it frustrates me that it’s led to this—that Asher has caused it to be like this—I also can’t sit here and judge him because I know what it’s like to fall into darkness.

The silence is not helping the awkwardness between us, and as Asher’s knee bounces up and down, I can tell he’s feeling more nervous than I am. Because my friend was full of hatred and harsh words just days ago, he’s the one who needs to break the ice between us, but the longer it goes on the more unbearable it gets.

“Do you love her?”

His question surprises me, not that I’d known what to expect—what might leave his lips first—but it frustrates me that he can’t even look at me.

“Yes. I've loved her for years. I’ve tried not to, but she's the only thing that makes sense in my life, and I wasn’t going to run away from that.”

“Why couldn’t you?”

“Because why would I run from something that helps me to breathe? Nora is that person for me and I wasn’t prepared to walk.”

I hadn’t realized how much I’ve needed to say that to him until the relief leaves my body, but once again, I’m met with silence, and as much as I want to make peace with Asher, I need to be with Nora. My body aches to hold her, comfort her after the tears I know she’s cried today.

“If you’ve come out here just to ask me that and say nothing else, then I’m going back inside.”

“Don’t.”

It’s only one word but it’s one that has me rooted to the ground because of how much distress comes from it. Running his hands through his hair, he pulls at his dark locks as his body trembles. When he finally looks up at me, the distress behind his eyes is a blow to the gut and the vulnerability in him is something I’ve not seen before—if ever.

“I don’t know where to start. Asking for forgiveness seems wrong because I don’t deserve it after everything I’ve done, but what else can I do?”

“Change.” I spit out, a little harsher than intended, but that’s only because the conversation has my mind right back to Nora being on the ground. I can’t deny that he’s trying to make amends, though. "I despise you for what you have put Nora and everyone through and because of that, a part of me believes you deserve to suffer. But I can’t go back inside this house and tell Nora I’ve pushed you aside when all she wants is peace and love put back in her heart. I knew she would accept your apology. I know she wants her brother back, and for the sake of her heart, I’m willing to forgive you, but I will never forget the damage you have caused. Ever. And I swear to God if you do anything like this again then we are done." I let out a heavy breath, my heart pounding as I wait for his reaction, but I’m met with silence once again and this time I’m thankful for it as it gives me a chance to control the irritation inside.

“I thought you would be harder to win around than you have been.”

“It’s not about scoring fucking points, Asher. You nearly killed her,” I growl.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry.” He lowers his head, his fingers fidgeting at his side as his leg continues to bounce up and down. His comment is out of order, but I need to give him credit for how hard this all is on him, and when he looks up at me with tears in his eyes, it proves to me just how sorry he is.

“I need help, Gray. I don’t know who I am anymore,”his voice cracks.

My stomach drops, the urge to grab him and wrap my arms around him is so powerful, but I stand my ground. I can’t let my guard down yet, as there is still so much that has happened between us.

“No one can help you, Asher, unless you are ready to help yourself. The first step is admitting you need it, but there is so much more that comes with it.”

“But I don’t know how to do it.”

“By talking, letting people know what is going on in your head instead of reaching for a bottle.”

“The bottle is the only thing that helps me ignore,” he mumbles, but it’s loud enough for me to hear.

“Ignore what? That your dad is gone? Your job? The mistakes you’ve made?”

“Me. It helps me ignore what I am!” It’s the first time he’s raised his voice, and I can see he regrets it the moment he does because he buries his head back in his hands. I’m unsure what he means, but I assume he means everything he’s become in the last few months.

“And what are you, Asher?”

I’m waiting for him to say he’s an alcoholic. I’m waiting for him to say something that will explain to me who he’s become over time because the man that was once my best friend is nothing but a stranger now. I’m waiting for him to say something that makes all of this make sense, but none of that comes.