Page 68 of Gravity

“So, after he left, she drank to stop the demons he had created in her thoughts,” I murmur, closing my eyes at the thought, now with a better understanding about why Sandie had turned to alcohol.

“Yep. He was gone physically, but mentally he was still in her head. Before long, she was out of control while I was out of my depth regarding knowing what to do with her.”

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed someone, even though it was your choice not to have anyone."

He lets out a heavy breath, leaning his head back to look up at the ceiling. "I honestly thought that locking myself away was what I needed, Nora. Now I realize I was wrong because I’m no further forward with no escape."

“Can you tell me what happened that day?” I whisper, looking up at him.

He’s never spoken of the day Sandie died—I don’t think even Asher knows what happened—and keeping this close to his chest is part of the reason why he’s still drowning in grief. His jaw tightens and tears threaten to fall as he struggles to keep it together.

He swallows hard, shaking his head. “I was tired. Tired of trying to stop her from falling apart. Tired of watching her poison herself. Tired of being that care giver. So exhausted that I failed to see she had hit rock bottom. We argued. I told her I hated what she’d become and that she wasn’t thinking about anyone but herself. I knew it was wrong and that I was playing a pretty selfish game, but I just wanted her to realize what was more important... So I gave her a choice.”

I close my eyes, already knowing the outcome.

“I produced a bottle of vodka in front of us and told her to choose which was more important to her. The booze or her son. I waited and waited as she stared at the bottle, and when she looked at me with tears in her eyes, for a moment I felt relief. I felt pride because I thought she’d do the right thing and choose her son… But then she swiped the bottle from right in front of me and told me to leave. So, I did.” His eyes slam shut and his jaw muscles tense. “I left, disgusted with myself that I had done something so low because she was sick, but I left broken-hearted because it wasn’t me she needed. Hours later, I shattered completely when I was rushing her to the hospital after I found her laying on the floor in a pool of her own vomit. But it was too late.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, the lump in the back of my throat thick as I try and stay strong for a man that’s falling apart.

“I wanted her to stop, Nora.” His voice breaks as a single tear slips down his cheek. “I wanted to save her from killing herself, but I went and killed her anyway by making her choose.”

“Don’t say that; this is not your fault.” I cup his cheek, needing him to know that he can’t hold himself responsible for a death he had no control over. Sandie had been an alcoholic, and regardless of those around her desperate to help, she’d refused it.

“Grayson, you can’t blame yourself for something that was way out of your control. Your mom was ill, and nothing you could have done would have stopped her if she didn’t want to. This isn’t down to you; you have to understand that.”

“I miss her so much. I just wish she was here so I can tell her that I love her.”

“I know.” I rest my forehead against his. “But she would have known that you loved her. She knew you loved her. And I also believe that she wouldn’t want to see you this way. She wouldn’t want you still living in a home that has her belongings right where she left them. It’s not healthy, Grayson. You need to try and move on.”

He pulls back, holding my gaze, his eyes less haunted than when I first arrived. However, the sparkle in them that I’m longing to see, isn’t quite there.

As he tucks the hair behind my ear, a sad smile tugs at his lips. “I know I need to pack them up, but in the beginning it somehow felt like she’d never left. All these things and all these memories reminded me of the times when she hadn’t been sick—when alcohol hadn’t been her purpose or her reason. I just want to remember those times. Only now, I don't think I have the strength to move forward."

“Pop once said that for someone to grow as a person, they need to find the courage. Finding that gives you the strength in order to change.”

“He’s a wise man your dad,” he smiles.

“He is.” I stroke my thumb over his cheek. “You’re stuck, Gray. You need to find your bravery in order to change, and while you do that I’ll be right beside you. Let me help you.”

“You don’t have to do that,” he whispers.

“I want to.”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t deserve to feel this way, and I can’t bear the thought of knowing you carry this guilt each day when you’ve nothing to be guilty for.”

He studies me for a moment, cupping the nape of my neck, pulling me closer so our lips are a breath apart. “I don’t think you have any idea how special you are, Shortcake. Your heart is pure gold and should never be broken.”

When he presses his lips to mine, I fall into his touch. Our tongues dance, teasing and tasting as my fingers grip the back of his neck. His hand trails down my stomach before he grabs my hip and moves me to straddle him. When his arms circle my waist, he breaks the kiss and holds me tight, kissing my neck as whispers of his gratitude decorate my skin. I hold him in return, hating the vulnerability I’ve seen in him tonight but pleased he has finally let his guard down.

Grayson may believe my heart is pure gold, but his is platinum and, if he’ll let me, I’ll hold it in my hands forever.

Chapter Nineteen

Grayson

“Are we okay?” Asher asks, standing in front of me as I sit at the patio table of the Nelsons’ backyard. His hands are in the pockets of his jeans, apprehension and remorse clouding his features, while the dark shadows under his eyes tell me that he has had another night of drinking.