Page 94 of Gravity

“And I didn’t expect to find you at work.”

With a heavy sigh, I lean back in my seat and scrub my hands over my face. I don’t want to be here. I want to be with Nora, but when I get no words from her and Fiona wants time to herself, I’m left with no choice but to seek solace in my work—a place I once drowned in when dealing with my grief but being here for the same reason now feels like a betrayal to those I care for because I should be with them.

“I’m not even working. I’m just sitting here, staring into space and wondering what the fuck to do for the best.”

“How do you mean?”

“She’s not eating. She’s hardly sleeping and spends most of her time in the tree house just staring into space. Fiona is coping better, considering, however, I feel like I’m intruding in their space every time I’m there and I’m at a loss.” My chest grips tight as my eyes sting. I’m trying hard to keep it together, but the truth is, I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I’ve never been good at this shit, and many times, I’ve cursed Pete for not giving me the advice I clearly need to care for his family. The promises I made to look after her and love her, I will always stand by, but what good will I be if I can’t even support her when she needs me at a time like this.

Before sitting, Mark walks over to the mini bar and pours us both a shot of whiskey before coming back to hand me a glass. As I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, I knock back the strong liquor and welcome the burn it has on my insides.

“First of all, you can stop with this self-blame shit. Stop beating yourself up about being a bad person just because you’re at war with yourself right now. It’s normal to feel hopeless, Gray. And second, it may not seem like Nora wants you right now. She may push you away, tell you she’s fine or not say anything at all, but she does need you. She will need you. You just have to be there in whatever capacity that may be.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I am right.” He takes a drink before sitting forward and looking at me as if he’s trying to figure something out. “So how are you coping?”

“What do you mean? I’ve just told you.”

“No, you told me how Nora is doing and how you feel helpless when it comes to her. You’ve not told me how you yourself are coping. This affects you, too, and it wasn’t that long ago you lost your mother.”

The image of my mother’s face appears as if she is sitting right in front of me. The first time it happened so vividly was the night Pete passed, and since then, guilt has ripped through my heart like never before because it made me realize that I’ve not thought about her as much as I probably should have these past few weeks. Every day, before Nora had come home from campus, the ghost of my mother had been everywhere I turned. The more Nora has helped me on the right track to finding my freedom, the less my mom has haunted me. But fuck me, I’d hated myself the night she’d reappeared in my thoughts. It had felt like a punishment, and I’ve not been able to get her out of my head since.

“Is it possible to mourn for someone more at a time when you should be grieving for someone else?”

“Of course.”

“Pete was like a father to me, but like a double bullet, losing him has hit home how much I miss Mom. How much forgiveness I actually have for her now. She had become a selfish drunk who cared more for booze, but even though I’d known alcoholism is an illness, it’s as if losing Pete has made me realize just how sick she was. You know? Back then it was just words. Now, if anything I understand that it was no one’s fault. Not hers, and certainly not mine.”

“It’s funny how the death of one person can make you realize you never truly accepted the death of another. Maybe now you can properly move on like you’ve wanted and not feel the guilt you’ve been drowning in for some time.”

“Yeah.” I blow out a breath and think of what has happened in the past two years. “How can two families be fucked over like this? Can anything else go wrong for us?”

He clears his throat. “Well, there is something else that could be a problem.”

My stomach drops. I’d known there must have been a reason for his visit today. “Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this.”

“Because you’re not. I’ve got news on Asher.”

“Where the hell is he? His phone is still going to voicemail.”

Last I heard, Mark had been contacting Jackson to send Asher home. Only that was days ago.

“He’s still in Cali. He’s been spotted several times coming out of bars, drunk.”

My anger grows. “I’m sorry. He what?”

“Maybe he just needs time.”

“How much fucking time?” I slam my glass down on the desk and raise my voice. “We bury his father in two days.”

Pushing my chair back, I head over to the window, resting my hands on either side and look out over the parking lot. My lungs burn with fury. My head is spinning with the news I’m trying to digest while my heart aches for the woman I’ve left at home to mourn.

I can’t fucking believe this.

“So not only did he leave Nora, it seems he’s too busy getting wasted to come back and say goodbye.”

“He might be back yet.”