Page 102 of Addiction

“I don’t have any.”

Lying bastard.

He places his thumb under my chin, bringing my head up to look at him. “We both know you have,” he murmurs. “I can see it in your eyes. You don’t talk about your parents or your past when it comes to family. Tell me. Please. If whatever this is between us leads to something, after everything we have been through, we can’t afford to have any more secrets between us. No matter how big or how small.”

I have the biggest secret of them all—not just about Jonny’s death but who my father is. Who my true bloodline is.

I’m not the man he thinks I am, and if he knows the truth it’ll no doubt change the way he looks at me.

I’ve hidden who I am for years, I altered my name for good reason, and I’ve buried the demon of my father’s actions as deeply as I can. I can’t go back, nor do I want to. But he’s right. This man has opened up about his biggest fears, and if we do have a future together, it’s only fair I do the same.

I will tell him about Jonny, but I can’t tell him about my father yet.

The words don’t want to escape my tongue because the thought of going back to that day when Jonny died is already killing me.

“My tattoo is a reminder of my brother, Jonny.” I murmur. “He was three years older than me, and the best friend I’d ever had. Aside from Nigel,” I say, trying to lighten the changed mood. But Asher being Asher doesn’t react. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I speak the words I’ve buried for some time.

“Jonny was the one who I went on my adventures with: that spin-the-globe thing I told you about. It was him that started the idea of it. He was a nerd when it came to books, and he wouldn’t admit it to anyone but his obsession with Harry Potter was a little extreme.” We both chuckle. “He never failed to make me laugh even when I was going through tough times and was always there when I needed him, no questions asked. In between our studies, we’d hit the road and head off to our next destination.”

Needing to move, I leave the bed and head to the window, trying to ease the wedge in my chest. Soon enough, Asher moves position and stands beside me, taking my hand in his.

“What happened to him?” Asher whispers.

If only I could have a whiskey right now.

I close my eyes as I relive that very day. The screams of those around me are still vivid, and the happiness I’d felt seconds before is nothing but a haunted memory now.

“Have you ever been in a situation where all your control is taken from you in seconds, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it from happening?”

He doesn’t respond right away but the second he does I can hear the grief in his voice. “Yes.”

“It was the day of our vacation. England this time, and Jonny was so excited to go to the Harry Potter studios. I’d never seen him so animated.” I smile sadly. “Everything was such a rush because we were running late, and while I was stressing out, he was high on adrenaline, bouncing with enthusiasm and skipping his way through the airport parking lot. Even though I was in a panic, I couldn’t stop laughing, and I knew I had a vacation ahead that was going to be filled with nothing but laughter and movie quotes.”

Anguish twists in my stomach and unshed tears cloud my eyes.

“Then everything changed,” I murmur. “In the days leading up to our trip, he’d asked repeatedly what time our flight was. So, when he asked me again in the parking lot of the airport, I rolled my eyes before repeating myself for the hundredth time. Little did I know that would be the last thing I said to him.”

I push myself off the wall and return to the bed, this time sitting on the floor at the bottom, my head resting on the mattress. I sense Asher sitting down the bed, respecting the fact he is giving me space.

My skin begins to burn. That deep, sick ache in the pit of my stomach awakens once again to remind me—a dormant ache that’s never truly gone. It’s unbearable.

“Before we knew what was happening, gunfire and screams were filling the air. Everything happened so fast and became so still as we fell to the ground. I got hit in the shoulder, but when I looked over at Jonny… I just knew.”

My knuckles are white at my sides, trying to stop my body from breaking down, but I know I’m about to lose the battle when Asher reaches down to take my hand in his, stroking his thumb over my knuckles. My heart feels like it’s been ripped in two through the sheer agony of what I’ve kept secret all these years. But the sob that pulls from my throat when I say the next words is harder than ever because that’s the last time I can remember seeing Jonny smile.

“My tattoo is a reminder of the last thing I said to him. Six-twenty-four. It was the time of our flight.”

I’m engulfed in Asher’s strong arm as it links around my neck and for the first time since that day, I don’t fight my emotions. I’ve relived that day many times in my head, in my nightmares, but nothing ever changes and I’m still the one that the blame falls with.

My parents were right: all I’d had to do was get out of bed that morning, but instead, I’d pressed the damn snooze button.

I let out the grief I’ve kept locked away all this time in the arms of a man that knows all too well what it’s like to lose someone you love.

Maybe it’s fate? Maybe Asher has come into my life to help me just as much as I want to help him, I don’t know. But what I do know is that right now, regardless of my pain, I’m right where I want to be, with him holding me as if I matter; as if I have nothing to fear; and as if he’ll be the one to help guide me through life no matter the consequences.

Because there is something about this man that makes me anything but alone.

“I know how to carry guilt… I’ve been doing it for a long time. I know how you are feeling. But what I am starting to accept is that these things are out of our control. What happened with me in Iraq was not my fault. And what happened with Jonny was not yours.”