Page 126 of Addiction

Raymond twists his head to look at me, his departing words hitting hard. “I trust you will do the right thing, Asher. You know what you need to do.”

Do I though?

My first thought is to tell Raymond to shut the fuck up and that he’s wrong. Wade and I are good. Great. I don’t want to lose him. But what if his dad is right? Look at me. I reacted to the smallest of things. Each day to the next is a challenge. But what if…

What if I’m not good enough for him? What if I am getting in the way of him being happy with someone better than me?

That familiar little voice of doubt in my head has me closing my eyes. It’s haunted me too many times and I know it’s a sign that the devil is trying to find her way back in once again.

I know I shouldn’t believe Raymond because he’s only here to cause trouble, but when I already struggle with the idea that I am not good enough, hearing it from someone else causes uncertainty and doubt to invade my thoughts, making me question everything.

“I trust you’ll do the right thing, Asher.”

What if I can’t make Wade happy like I know he deserves? What if he can only cope with being with me when I’m sober… What if I lose him by falling back into my old ways and he can’t deal with it? I relapsed before we even got into a relationship and that was hard enough. I can’t put him through that. I can’t bring him down like I know I will.

As I start to overthink everything, the devil’s voice comes hard and fast, and I know when I’m like this I’m more vulnerable. So many questions are racing through my head that I can’t think straight. I need to talk to Theo. Or Grayson will know what to do. Then, like a smack in the face, his words from this morning hit hard.

I do it because I love them.

Is that what ‘the right thing’ to do is? In order to protect Wade from my complications do I do the one thing that I know will break us both and end it because I love him? I know I shouldn’t listen to Raymond because I know he is nothing but a troublemaker but what if…

What if just this once, his father is right?

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Wade

I’ve been awake for the last hour watching Asher sleep.

The early morning sun casts a glow over his tan skin as he sleeps with one arm stretched out underneath his pillow. His long lashes and plump lips are just two of the many things I love to look at and will never tire of. This past week has been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster for me, and I wouldn’t have been able to get through it if it weren’t for him. He’s held me when I’ve needed him, He’s kissed me when I’ve been sad, and he’s loved my body in ways that have driven my heart wild. I love this man more than life, but this morning, my gut is telling me something isn’t right. I’ve burdened Asher with my troubles with my father, and I fear that the upheaval has put a strain on his recovery.

When he returned back after his run late last night, I could see he wasn’t himself.

The last thing I want to do is push him, but talking is the only way I know how to help him.

Getting out of bed, I take a quick shower and decide to make him pancakes for breakfast. When they are about ready, I head back into my bedroom. He’s turned over now, so I kneel up behind him and softly press a kiss to his cheek.

His eyebrows rise, and for the first time since yesterday, a smile graces his face.

“Wake up sleepy head,” I whisper. “I’ve made breakfast.”

“Smells good,” he mumbles, still with his eyes closed.

“So do you. Would you like me to put breakfast on hold so we can snuggle up in here for a bit?” I trail my hand down his chest, but as I move lower, he grabs my wrist, stopping me.

“No. I will get up.”

It’s not his rejection that hurts my heart, it’s the tone in which he’s said it. Like he’s annoyed with my suggestion. I know I need to brush it off, but something doesn’t feel right.

“Go take a shower,” I order, getting off the bed. “You’ve got ten minutes.”

He doesn’t even look at me when he leaves the bedroom and takes even longer than normal in the shower.

When he enters the kitchen, I place his plate in front of him as he sits down. “There you go.”

“Thanks.”

I kiss his cheek, but the vibe I get doesn’t sit well with me. He’s normally all over me, touching me, kissing me, but he’s barely looked at me at all.