Page 16 of Addiction

Nora has always been headstrong. She knew what she wanted in life, and she fought hard until she got it. She is passionate, determined and knows her mind and a part of me has resented her for that. It had been the same with Grayson or anyone else who seemed to have their shit together. All I’d ever had was the drive and passion for being a SEAL, I’d known nothing else, I hadn’t wanted anything else. But when that turned to shit, it had been the beginning of the end.

“Do you know they tell you in recovery to make amends with the people you’ve hurt?”

She nods.

“I knew I had to do that with you. Even before Mom, you were top of my list and, although in many ways I’ve achieved that and things are now good between us, I've still not told you everything.”

“Can you tell me now?” she whispers.

I look back across the burial ground. “I was jealous of you. The way you were with Pop. The games you played, the attention you gave him and the love he showed you back. You were fearless, and I was envious of your relationship with him. Not because I wanted it but because I never knew how to be anything other than who I was around him. I never thought about playing games with him, helping him to develop all the skills he lost with his stroke. I just seem to freeze up when it came to stuff like that and the only way I knew how to act was just being... me. But the more I fought to change who I was around him, the harder it became.” I look at her now, “Does that make sense?”

She nods, her eyes glistening with fresh tears. “Sometimes all we can be in those situations is who we are. It doesn’t make it wrong. Maybe being who you are with him was your purpose. Maybe that’s all he needed.”

“I could have done better,” I whisper. “I wanted him to be so proud of me, yet I failed at that.”

“You never failed him, Asher. Not once. Pop loved you.”

“My biggest regret was not being here for him. It tears me apart every time I open my eyes, Nora. It eats away at me each day, and that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. I never got that chance to say goodbye.”

I slam my eyes shut, fighting the tears. I can’t fucking breathe with the guilt I carry when it comes to my dad.

“I never got to say goodbye to him either, you know.” Her words hit me hard, causing me to look at her.

“We’d spent the day at the beach, and I wanted to go home to help Mom, but Grayson also wanted time together. Our relationship was so new then and remained secret, so we grabbed every chance to be alone. It was later I got the call. But by the time Grayson and I reached the hospital, it was too late. The doctor came in to tell us not long after we got there.”

My heart feels like it’s stopped as I process her words. I had no idea. All this time I’ve been wrapped up in my shame when she too has been suffering on her own.

I should have been there.

I should have fucking been there.

“I—I didn’t know this.”

She wipes away her tears and, like earlier, I take her hand, trying to give that reassurance she gave me. “For a short time, I blamed Grayson because I believed it was his fault. But in the end, it was nobody’s fault. It was just the way it turned out. Even if I had been with Pop, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome and, in many ways, I wonder if not being with him at the end was a blessing.”

I frown. “Why?”

“Because the memories I have of him that afternoon at the beach and seeing him happy is all I need. I’d rather have that memory than the one of him in a hospital bed not looking like our Pop.” She shifts herself closer, taking my other hand in hers so she’s holding both, her grip tight, her words full of determination and direction. “Greif is the most gut-wrenching thing anyone can live with, Asher. But do you know what is far worse than grief?”

I shake my head.

“Guilt. It can tear a person apart and ruin everything they thought they were. Don’t let your guilt of not being with Pop destroy you any more than it has—”

“Nora.” I bow my head. Her words feel like they’ve clawed inside and ripped me apart.

Dipping her head to meet my gaze, she squeezes my hands harder. “Don’t let it, Asher. Don’t do this to yourself. Pop wouldn’t want this for you. You know this. This is not your fault.”

“I failed him,” I whisper.

“No. No.” She grabs my face with both hands forcing me to look at her. “You did not fail him. You were his boy. He loved you so much. Don’t let what happened then ruin what you have ahead of you. You’ve got so much to live for now. Tell me you understand what I’m saying.”

I do. I’ve heard every word, and they’ve wrapped themselves around me like a comfort blanket. Maybe Nora is right. Maybe I can’t keep doing this to myself. It’s not going to bring Pop back and with my alcoholism, it certainly isn’t healthy to be chasing myself around in circles over something that will never change. I messed up, but dwelling on it will only make the chaos in my mind worse. But fuck it’s hard trying to turn off that guilt switch.

Knowing I need to try, I nod. “I understand.”

“Grab this second chance you’ve been given, Asher, and hold on to it so hard because, even after everything you’ve been through, you deserve happiness even if you don’t believe it. Keep your head held high and don’t look back on the past. Promise me you won’t punish yourself anymore over this.”

“I promise.”