Page 18 of Addiction

“P-promise m-me somethin’, Ash,” he whispers before coughing up blood, his breathing getting more difficult.

“Anything.”

“P-promise m-me you w-won’t lie to y-your…self any-more.”

No. We are not doing this now. I’m nothing like him.

“Stop talking shit, man, and fight,” is my only reply.

Moving his thumb to run over my lips, my body stills.

“P-promise… A-asher.”

“I’m not promising anything, asshole. This is not the time,” I snap, both frustrated by what he’s saying and hating myself as he’s in this position because of me I look around, peering through the cracks of what's left of the battered building. A few bodies of the fallen enemy lie in the battle zone, but I see none of my men. No Davie, No Sam. No Timpson.

“Fuck.”

When I feel Wyatt’s hand slip from my jaw, I look down and everything stops. My blood turns cold and the ache in my heart explodes when his lifeless eyes look back at me.

“No. No. No. Wyatt, wake up,” I cry, shaking him. “Please. It can’t end like this. It just can’t. Wake the fuck up!”

I wake with a jolt at the sound of my cell phone ringing. Sweat covers my body and my heart races as the nightmare once again torments my sleep. Reaching out to the nightstand, I swipe the screen without looking.

“Hello?”

“About time. I was starting to worry.”

My eyes open wide at the sound of Theo’s voice. “Theo. What? What do you mean?”

I roll onto my back, confused as to what’s going on and why he’s worried.

“You missed our mid-day call appointment. I’ve rung you three times since and got no answer.”

I pull the cell from my ear to catch the time and see it’s late in the afternoon. I’ve never missed a call. Fuck.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I slept through.”

After my time with Nora at the cemetery, I had been physically drained. I wanted a call with Theo because I’d known visiting Pop would be hard.

“Are you feeling okay?” Theo asks, and I can’t help but smile at his question.

“I’m good. I swear. I’m just so fucking exhausted.”

“It’s normal. You’ve had to adjust all over again and deal with situations you hadn’t faced. Emotional exhaustion is normal, but you’ve done incredibly well dealing with it all, Asher.”

“Have I? Because I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere,” I admit. My nightmare is still very much present.

“How do you mean?”

I sit up and rest my back against the wall, trying to work out how I’m feeling. “That’s just it, I don’t know. I don’t understand how I feel. I just feel like something is missing. I thought yesterday would change that after going to the cemetery, but it hasn’t. I’m happy to be home, I’ve talked with Mom about stuff and got even deeper when talking with Nora, but I don’t feel any lighter. I thought talking was meant to make everything easier. What if I can’t shift this feeling inside me? What if it’s with me forever? What if I…”

I trail off not wanting to say the word—not wanting to imagine myself like that again. But Theo calls me out and makes me go to that very place anyway.

“What if you relapse?”

“I can’t go back there, Theo. I just can’t.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose and blow out a heavy sigh. The line is silent for a moment, and I know he is giving me time to process my thoughts. I knew coming home wouldn’t be easy, but I never realized it would be this hard either.