Page 20 of Addiction

“I know. It’s fine.” I rub my hand at the nape of my neck and look at the floor.

From this point on, we only look forward.

Nora’s words fill my mind.

When I look up, Grayson’s eyes are on me. He’s been my best friend longer than he hasn’t and has helped me through more shit than anyone. He’d seen how hard it was for me when I was sentenced, and he’s never let me down once when he has had every right to. Even though I’ve spoken with Nora and told her of my troubles, I can speak with Grayson on a different level.

“I feel like I’ve abandoned you these past few days.”

“You have. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night.” He grins. “No, seriously, I’ve held back for a reason. Nora and Fiona have needed your time. I can wait.”

At the mention of Mom, our conversation the day I arrived home comes flooding back.

“You should have told me about Mom. I’m not happy that I’m only now finding out about her depression.”

“I’m not happy I had to keep it from you. Nora wasn’t either. But that’s what Fiona wanted. She didn’t want you to send yourself crazy with worry whilst in St Brides.”

Even though I’m not happy with not knowing, I understand why I was never informed. “I’m glad she had you while I was gone,” I say. “Knowing Mom and Nora had you while I wasn’t around made it a little easier. So, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.”

“There’s no need to thank me, Asher. I did it because you guys are the only family I have. I’m just glad to have you back in it. We’re all glad to have you home.” His smile is reassuring. “Nora said she found you at the cemetery.”

I blow out a heavy breath. “I didn’t think it would be as hard as it was. My head’s got used to the fact that Pop has gone but being there…”

“Made it even more real.”

I nod, my insides a bag of mixed emotions.

“This is not how I imagined being home would be,” I admit, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jeans. “Twelve months is a long time and, although I deserved my sentencing, home is somehow feeling like a whole new sentence altogether.”

“Why?” He folds his arms as he rests against the wall.

My conversation with Theo plays back in my head about how talking will help. So that’s what I do. Even if it doesn’t make any sense.

“After Nora’s accident, it was a strict routine of rehab and therapy while I waited for the court date. St. Brides was the same: same schedule, a different day. You got up, you did your shit, you went to bed. There was no change. Now I’m back, I have to start all over again, only this time I have to work harder than I ever have. I have to remain on the road to recovery. I have to work out how far my stress levels can go without looking for temptation. I have to somehow move on and not dwell on the things I can’t change when deep inside the guilt still eats away at me. Life is a whole new ball game now and where it’s easier in some ways, it’s harder in others, and I’m fucking terrified, Gray. I’ve got nothing to guide me.”

I hate how my mind is being so fucking contradictive right now. Earlier I was hell-bent on looking to the future; now it sounds like I’m wanting to run from it.

He studies me for a second. “Sometimes we may not need something to guide us but someone.”

“Meaning?”

He points to the floor. “The people that are here now want to support you. Me. Nora and your mom. If you don’t feel you’ve anything to guide you then let us help you with that.” He pauses. “Asher, we are here for you. No matter what. You must know this?”

I nod. “I do. It’s just, even now, it’s still hard to get my head around things.” So much has happened that I can’t change. Alcohol and PTSD have robbed me of years I’ll never get back and here I stand, a free man, with a future ahead of me.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“You’ve nothing to apologize for. Now, are you ready to go and be the center of attention for a few hours?”

I smile. “I guess so.”

“Good. Now come here and hug it out.”

I chuckle, going over to him and entering his embrace.

His arms wrap around me, and he slaps me on the back.

“I’ve really fucking missed you, man,” I say.