Page 91 of Addiction

She stirs. “Grayson… What time is it?”

“Almost eleven. But I need you to wake up.”

“I’m tired.”

“I know. But there’s a conversation that can’t wait.”

“We can do it tomorrow if it’s easier?” I say, but I get a glare from them both. From Grayson, because he knows I’m backing out and from my sister because she’s now realized I’m here.

“Whatever he’s here to say, I don’t want to hear it.” There are tears in her eyes and it’s suddenly painful to breathe: like someone has just gripped my heart in their hand and is squeezing the life from it. I’ve not just hurt her: I’ve broken her.

As Nora stands, Grayson grabs her wrist when she goes to leave. “Wait. Look at me,” he says. He wipes her stray tears from her face before cupping her jaw. “I understand you’re angry. I understand you are hurting, and I understand that being here right now is hard for you because it’s brought everything back that happened before. But you need to hear him out. You need to hear his reasons.” He kisses her on the forehead and whispers. “Trust me, shortcake. Everything is going to be okay.”

“You promise?” she whispers back.

“I promise. I wouldn’t have brought him here if I thought otherwise.”

She nods in agreement, and he kisses her again. Turning back to me, Grayson gives me another hug, telling me to take as long as I need before he heads up the stairs.

It’s just me and my sister now, and I don’t know who seems more on edge. I can hear my heart pounding as I take a seat on the couch. The silence echoes around me, and I don’t know if I should come right out and say it to break the tension or wait for her to speak when she’s ready. In many ways, this is worse than when I had to admit to her that I was an alcoholic—the time when I’d had to pray for forgiveness because the thought of losing her had been unbearable. Now, I’m silently praying all over again for a completely different reason.

“Nora, I—”

“Why?” she interjects, glaring at me as she stays with her arms folded. “I know I shouldn’t be mad at you. I know I should understand that this could have happened. I know I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did but you promised me, Asher,” she cries. “Maybe I held on to the hope that you wouldn’t fall back too much. Maybe I was naïve to think that you wouldn’t look twice at a drink ever again. But even so, you promised me it wouldn’t happen again.”

“I know I did. But I shouldn’t have promised, and it was unfair of you to ask me to.”

“You should have talked to me. You should have come to me if you were struggling. No more secrets we said. No more lies, and here we are.”

“I can explain, Nora. “

“Then do it.”

I hold out my hand and look at her, silently pleading and waiting for her to accept it. When she finally does, I bring her to sit beside me, never letting go. The last time we’d sat like this, crying over confessions, was when she’d come out of the hospital after I’d hit her with my car. I thought I’d lost her forever. I’d promised her then we’d have no more secrets, even though I’d been sitting on one that would change everything. But Grayson is right, I can’t run from this anymore.

“You know how I like to drink away my problems? Well, tonight was no different. Only I wasn’t just running from them, I was drinking to stop other feelings from taking over.”

Confusion clouds her eyes, but she remains silent.

“Even though I promised you and everyone else, I’ll always be an addict, Nora. That temptation is always going to be there, and tonight I stupidly listened to my demons rather than fight them.”

“Why did you listen?”

“Because I’ve been living a lie,” I admit. “I’ve been living with something so close to my chest I’ve found it hard to breathe, and I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I drank. It was stupid, and I know I’ve jeopardized everything with you and Mom, but… I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to live like this anymore.”

“Then tell me,” she whispers.

Taking her other hand, I look down at them, trying to find the words because even though Grayson made me say them more than once, it’s still hard to speak them in front of someone else.

Taking a deep breath, I look at her, but as I go to speak, no words come out.

Jesus this is hard.

Tears cloud my eyes. “I…”

“Asher, you’re scaring me,” she whispers. “Whatever it is we—"

“I’m gay.”