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“So what’s the issue?”
“Well.” I let out a breath. “Committing to him would be committing to his daughter, too.”
Julia’s eyes light up with understanding. “Right. He and Bryce are a package deal. And you don’t want children.”
“See, that’s just it. I’m not sure that’s the case anymore. I definitely know I want to be with Ford. But what’s surprising me is how much I enjoy spending time with Bryce.”
Julia grins. “She is a cutie, isn’t she?”
“Oh yeah. Such a fun age. She and I had the best time hanging out together at the tasting the other day.” I smile at the memory of her warm, sticky hand in mine. The pineapple glitter in her hair. The way she lit up eating my food, and how interested she was in my cookbook and my writing. “For the first time ever, I could see myself…you know. Maybe trying on step-parenthood. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought lately, and it’s time to make a decision. Ford and I…things are getting serious, and I can’t keep stringing him along. But as much as I want to say yes, I’m still struggling to overcome my fear that, if I do try on parenthood, I’ll inevitably end up trapped and unhappy like my mom. She had to sacrifice so damn much for her kids. Her career. Her sense of self-worth.”
Julia hisses when Parker releases her nipple. She tips her chin toward a stack of folded white fabric on the coffee table. “Mind passing me a burp cloth? I want to get a good burp out of him before he passes out.”
I drape a cloth over her shoulder and watch as she holds him there, softly patting his back. For several beats I just look at her, shaking my head.
“I still can’t believe you’re a mom.”
“You can’t believe it? Eva, I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone half the time. It’s been the most surreal experience of my life. But we’re getting to something juicy here about you and your fears about motherhood. I totally get where you’re coming from, so keep talking.”
Sitting back down, I run my hands up and down my thighs. “Okay. So, like, witnessing my mom’s experience over the years—seeing how much she’s had to give up, how she’s gotten progressively unhappier—I guess what I picked up from that is motherhood is the place where things like dreams and fulfillment and happiness go to die. No offense.”
Julia laughs. “None taken.”
“I want my story to have a different ending than my mom’s, as terrible as that sounds. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a really, really great mom, and I love her dearly. I love her so much that I’ve tried to give her that happy ending myself. But at some point…” I shrug. “I talked to Ford about it, and he made me realize that it’s not my job to make her happy, or change her story. I need to focus on my own story.”
“Ugh. He’s even more awesome than I thought.”
“No shit. So I figure the best way to guarantee that I get the ending I want is to not become a mother myself. Not to let myself get trapped that way. Does that make sense? Because becoming a mother leads you to resent your partner, and resent the choices you’ve had to make. And even though I’m really enjoying Bryce right now, I can’t help but wonder what will happen if something goes wrong down the road. I saw my parents’ marriage fall apart after my sister got in trouble, and it was awful. But up until then, things were okay. They were good. Then shit hit the fan. I’m worried the same thing will happen to me. Us. Ford and me and Bryce.”
Parker burps in reply, a stream of puke trailing down Julia’s arm.
“So much for the burp cloth,” she says, and I stand up, grabbing another cloth to wipe her down with. “Thanks, friend.”
“Anytime.”
“And yes, that totally makes sense. But I want you to consider one important point. Well, a couple of important points. First, we can’t control the future. You’ll never get the guarantee that what happened to your parents won’t happen to you. But you also have to realize that your parents’ experience won’t be your experience.”
I blink. “What do you mean by that?”
“I mean that you’re different people, living in different worlds, under enormously different circumstances. To be brutally honest—because I know saying this will make you hurt for your mother—but you’ve been given privileges she never had. A stable home to grow up in. A stellar education. Parents who were actively involved in helping you make your dreams come true. You’ll always have more options than your mom. If something goes wrong, you’ll get help. You have the money and the family and the mobility she didn’t to seek out help so you won’t have to make the sacrifices she did.”
