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Pain knifes through my chest.
“I don’t disagree with you. My parents gave me an incredible life.” I swallow. “But yeah. You’re right. The idea that my mom gave me all these awesome things she never had—it hurts. Julia, don’t you think that’s…I don’t know, crushing?”
“Crushing, but beautiful, too. Let’s not forget that women in her generation weren’t always encouraged to follow their dreams the way we are. I know my mother struggled to make herself a priority. Women were taught to always put other people first.”
“That still happens.”
“But at least you and I have the ability to choose differently.”
“That’s so damn unfair. On a lot of levels. Part of me is relieved I have the ability to seek out my own fulfillment and do the stepmom thing—if that’s what I choose. Another part feels really bad for my mom, because she wasn’t given that choice. She wasn’t given many choices at all. She did the best she could with what she had.” I let out a breath. “Jeez, talk about holding two opposing ideas in your head.”
“Something I certainly encourage.”
I grin. “As a professor of English, I figured you would.”
“Look. You can love your mom and admire her but still build a totally different life for yourself. That doesn’t make you a bad person.”
My grin fading, I let out a breath. “I needed to hear that. Thank you.”
“I won’t try to sway your decision either way,” Julia replies, curling Parker into the crook of her arm. “But I’m a mom now—obviously—and I still intend to teach and take on design projects and travel. Having him isn’t going to stop me from doing the things I love. Having him isn’t some kind of trade, where I get a baby but give up my freedom. Yeah, it’s hard.” It’s her turn to swallow. “Really hard sometimes even just thinking about how I’m going to manage to do it all. But so far, my experience of motherhood has been a pretty good one, all things considered. Perfect? Absolutely not. Would I do it again, taco meat nipples and all? Absolutely. My only advice is if you’re going to do it—then do it all the way. Jump in with both feet.”
I consider that for a minute. Feeling my gut tighten with the sense of certainty I’ve been searching for.
“Good thing that’s the only way I know how to do things,” I say. “All or nothing.”
Julia grins. “I think motherhood just might suit you.”
I keep thinking on my drive home. Like Julia said, I’ll never have definitive answers to some of my questions. I’ll never get the guarantee that I’ll end up happy—that I won’t end up trapped—if I make this choice, or any other choice.
I won’t get the guarantee that if I start to date Ford in earnest, it’ll work out. Yes, maybe we’re on the same page about this issue. But there are a million others that we’ll need to face.
What if I end up missing my old life?
What if the heat and the connection Ford and I share fizzles out?
Most importantly: how the hell are we going to make this relationship work with everything we have going on in our lives right now? How do we successfully combine our two insanely great, insanely full schedules?
I’ve just held on so tightly to everyone and everything my whole life in the hope that I could control every outcome. That I could keep disappointment and failure and unhappiness at bay.
But I’ve experienced all three in spades. And I’ve lived to tell the tale. In fact, I’d say I’m a better person because of the difficult shit I’ve been through.
One thing that doesn’t make me better? Continuing to hold on so tightly that my life is devoid of joy. What if I took Ford’s advice and trusted the universe?
What if I gave parenthood a chance?
What if I closed my eyes and took the leap despite being scared out of my mind?
What if it worked?
My mind is finally made up (!). But I still take a couple days to decompress. Let the idea sink in. Because if I’m going to do this thing, then I’m jumping in with both feet, like Julia said. It’s going to be one hell of a commitment.
Then again, the perfectionist in me is always up for a challenge.
I’m going to give it my all, and be the best damn stepmom to Bryce I can be. Just like Ford is the best daddy. After all he’s done for me, and all the poor guy’s been through, it’s what he deserves.
It’s what Bryce deserves, too.
When Thursday rolls around, I pick up the phone and invite Ford and Bryce over for dinner.Chapter Twenty-FourFord“You said love makes fools of us,” Sophie said, placing the flat of her palm over Edward’s naked chest. “Wherever did you learn that?”
