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Brynna and I continue on our walk through the park. She points and coos at leaves, birds, and squirrels that scamper by. I love her reactions. She’s an attentive little girl, and her blue eyes go wide before she lets out a peal of laughter. She’s too young to talk, so she gurgles and giggles a lot, waving her chubby fists.
We’re both slathered in sunblock, but the bottle at home is beginning to run out, and it makes my chest clench with anxiety. Money is so tight right now that I can’t afford to buy sunblock, at least not until Joey’s next paycheck. It seems like such a small problem, but it’s enough to make me anxious.
But I force myself to remember everything that I do have. We may not be rich, but I have a beautiful daughter who lights my world up with every smile. I have a brother who loves and cares for me. I have a place to live, food to eat, and a life I can be proud of.
“How about that, sweetheart?” I ask my daughter gently. “Do you see that bird over there?”
She turns to look at me with eyes so blue that my heart breaks a bit.
“Ga!” she gurgles. “Boo!”
I laugh a little, myself. Her chubby features are so sweet, and I only want what’s best for my daughter. My child. She’s the love of my life, the one to replace the other great love which I lost.
We continue walking down the trail further into the park. This is Brynna’s favorite place to visit, and there’s a little pond halfway down that my daughter adores. She can’t go into the pond, but she loves to see the water glinting under the sunlight, as well as the ducks that quack in greeting.
Come to think of it, there’s a duck eyeing my daughter now.
“Goo!” she greets him, waving one chubby fist. “Ba-ba!”
“Yes,” I hum, pulling Brynna out of her stroller. “Mr. Duck likes you too.”
I set my daughter down for a moment, and reach back into my bag. I packed a blanket, some snacks, and a bottle for the baby so that we can enjoy a nice picnic by the water. I put out the blanket and then take out some toys for the baby. She’s teething, so she finds hard plastic difficult to resist. As if on cue, immediately, Brynna grabs a set of plastic keys and starts banging them against the ground.
“Are you making music for Mommy?” I ask gently.
My little girl smiles toothlessly, even though she has no idea what I just said.
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
I press my lips to her tummy and blow. Brynna squeals with pleasure, squirming in my arms. My daughter loves raspberry kisses and giggles with delight.
As soon as I pull away, Brynna goes back to playing with her keys. With her occupied, I grab the sandwich I packed for myself. It’s two slices of bread and a piece of ham. It’s not much, and certainly nothing like the enormous, hearty sandwiches John used to make for me, but it’s enough to fill my stomach until dinner.
Sometimes, my thoughts wander back to Joey’s words. Is it true that I fell in love with John in part because he fed me? Because I was so hungry, that I was willing to do almost anything to keep my stomach full? It sounds terrible, and I tell myself that that’s not the truth at all. Yet, I know that I was desperate at that time, and that my stomach literally growled during my interview at ShopMore. John is the CEO of a grocery store, and was uniquely positioned to help me.
Yet, I know our relationship was never so sordid. I fell in love with John Hemsworth because of his generosity, yes, but also because he took care of me and wanted the best for me. He encouraged me to finish high school, and agreed when I told him I was quitting to focus on my classes. Even if it was ultimately only an illusion, I know that something was there. We had feelings for one another, even if he doesn’t want to see me anymore.
I sad smile comes over my lips and Brynna waves her arms again. She wants her bottle, and I hold it up to her lips. Of course, my daughter accepts it instantly, still clanging her keys around. She sucks down half the bottle in just a few gulps, and I sigh. Formula is expensive, but my little girl gets her appetite from her father. I remember watching John devour three or four sandwiches for every one I ate. Our first date out by the river wasn’t the only time we raided the soon-to-expire deli selection. We made good use of the free food, and I certainly put on weight while I was dating John.
