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"Shit," I ran a hand through my hair for the thousandth time. I couldn't sleep. As much as I wanted to pull her into my chest and fall into the peace she found so easily, I just couldn't. For reasons beyond me, I was terrified of losing her. I knew what it meant to live without her and I knew I couldn't go back to that. But I didn't know how to keep her. My needs were distorted at best and down right fucked-up at worst. She thought she could be everything for me, but I didn't know if I could allow that. I didn't know if I wanted her to be everything. I'd taken it easy on her tonight. I'd shown her the good parts of BDSM. But there were so many other sectors of that kind of relationship. And, although I yearned for it, I fucking couldn't allow myself to subject her to those ways. I just couldn't. I had to find a way around it. For her. Not because I loved her…but because I needed her. Again, it was selfish. I was selfish.
My sex life was the only aspect in my life where I'd always been selfish. It was where I found release. Where I found control. As much as it looks like I am in control of my life, I'm not. My fuck of a father left me the company, forcing me to run his screwed up business despite the fact that I had no desire what-so-ever to do it. He raised me to become a businessman and I was just as cuttingly shrewd as he always wanted me to be. Without intention, I had turned into my father.
I threw another glance into Olivia's direction where she was curled up in the center of my bed with the blankets clutched tightly to her chest. She looked peaceful and innocent in sleep. I knew I would taint her purity with my darkness, but I just couldn't fathom the idea of walking away from her. Not again. The thought of losing her sent a jolting pain into my gut and my breathing shortened. I stood in shock and quickly crossed the room to the door. I needed food. Or drink. I needed something to take my mind off Olivia.
It was only Friday and I knew I should be at the office. But I wasn't and so long as Olivia was here, I had no plans on going in. I would have to improvise and use my home office. With a shrug, I descended the stairs and spotted Mrs. Clark working away in the kitchen.
"Good morning, Gail." I used her first name. Ever since she'd started working for me, she insisted I call her Gail rather than Mrs. Clark.
"Jace," she nodded. "What would you like for breakfast?"
"I don't know." I shrugged. I wish I knew more about Olivia. I didn't even know what she liked to eat for breakfast.
Gail cocked a brow. "You don't know?"
"I have a woman here and I'm not sure what she'd like?" I was surprised to feel my heart thump nervously at the words.
"A woman?" She gasped. Dropping the towel onto the counter. I wanted to tell her to pick up her open jaw with her now free hand, but refrained for the sake of politeness. "In all the years I've worked here, I only ever met one woman you were seeing and she was a little weird. What's this one like?" I knew she was blunt and referring to Lexie. She was like family, so I ignored the annoyance her statement brought on and answered her question.
"Her name is Olivia." I said gruffly. "She's nothing like anyone I've ever been with."
"Good to hear." She nodded. "Where is the girl?"
"Sleeping." I ran a hand through my hair. "I don't know when she'll be up."
"All right then," she went back to wiping the counter. "I look forward to it. Did you want anything to eat in the meantime?"
"No." I shook my head, stepping backward to my office. "I'll wait for her."
I didn't miss the knowing glimmer in Gail's eyes as I turned my back on her snickering face. My relationship with Gail was much like my relationship with my mother. They were both women I respected highly and cared for deeply. In all the years Gail worked for me, she had never once held her tongue. It was refreshing.
I shook the thought from my mind and wandered into my office. I powered on my Mac and checked my phone as I waited. I had countless texts and missed calls from Caleb. Most of them were asking me where I was in a variety of different approaches. I chuckled as I opened his last text message.
Where the hell are you? Answer your phone! I chuckled as I read the message and as though on queue, another one came in. I opened it. I'm on my way over.
I laughed out loud and messaged him back. I'm fine. Olivia's here. Won't be in.
A few seconds passed and my phone rang. Caleb's name lit the screen and I cursed.
"What a girl." I muttered under my breath as I answered the call. "What, Caleb?"
"I shoulda known you had Olivia with you. She's the only damn reason you bail on work." He joked.
"I'm working right now."
