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I'm just his afternoon snack.
"I'm not expecting anything from you."
"What if I want to give you something?"
At this, I shake my head. "Considering we didn't use protection. I truly hope you didn't."
Apparently, I've crossed a line, and as soon as I've said it, I wish I'd said something sweeter, told him something more romantic, because the truth is, what we just shared really was romantic.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit it was a romantic rendezvous.
But I also don't want to get attached to someone I'll never see again.
"Look," I say, trying to soften things. "Thank you, again. But I really need to go find my friends."
He scoffs. "Just like that?" He shakes his head and gets out of the pool. "I really thought you were different than this."
"What did you think I was?" I can't help but ask.
"I thought you were a tender-hearted woman, who saw me as more than what everyone else sees."
"And what is that?"
"The fact that you have to ask ruins the entire thing."
"So you regret this, after all?" I ask, watching him get out of the pool.
I just lost my virginity—I feel both intoxicated with exuberance and ridden with disappointment.
He wishes it hadn't happened.
This Greek god, who has a back ripped with muscles, whose body moves with a fluid self-possession, a man so strong, standing here in the flesh. I can't believe this man was inside of me.
He turns around, facing me again. His eyes now ringed with a sadness I wouldn't have believed he could possibly understand. But when I look at him now, I know his emotions are as true and firm as anything else in this world.
And my words have stung.
It's shocking to think I have any sway over this man, at all.
"I don't regret it," he tells me. "No one could regret what just happened. It was the best sex of my life. Hell, the best hour of my life." He clenches his jaw, steeling himself. "But I'm gonna try to erase this current conversation from my memory."
I move to leave the water, but he shakes his head, motioning for me to stay put. "Listen," I say. "I don't regret it either. And you can be comforted by the fact that you just did something very nice for a complete stranger. It was a random act of kindness."
He snorts, not liking those words either. "A random act of kindness? That's what you call this?" Raising his hands in defeat he adds, "I don't have time for this. I really thought you were different."
And then, without another word, he walks away. I watch as he zigzags through the crowd, but then, I lose him.
And I know I'll never see him again.
Tears sting my eyes and I press my knuckles to my lips, willing myself not to cry.
I try to regain my composure, not wanting Lexi or the rest of the party to see me upset. I don't want anyone to know about what just happened.
So I try and focus on what I do want to remember.
Yes, the encounter ended on a very sour note... but the rest?
It was perfection.
I look around and seal this moment to my memory forever.
As I get out of the pool, looking for a restroom, I memorize the salty air and the palm trees swaying, the pelicans soaring toward the ocean, and the party music in the distance.
I sigh, knowing this afternoon has changed me forever. I smile, this cabana smells like coconut oil and it looks like sex.
But more than anything, it feels like spring break should.Chapter FiveFifteen Months LaterWhile holding Asher, I one-handedly turn on the mobile above his crib. Winding it up, I pray that he manages to stay asleep tonight.
"Okay, mister, you know this is Mommy's favorite night. You are going be a little angel and stay asleep, okay?" I kiss his cheeks, inhaling his baby powder, freshly bathed, seven-month-old smell.
He may be driving me up the wall with his sleeping patterns, but for the most part, he's pretty much perfection.
I lay him down in his crib and he reaches toward me, smacking his hands together as if clapping.
"You got this, baby," I tell him. "You know you want to sleep, you know you want to go nighty-night," I speak in a singsong voice, chanting the mantra that he'll one day have memorized. "Sleep is good, sleep is bliss."
I'm hoping if I say it often enough, he'll start to believe it.
As if by miracle, he seems to acknowledge me by dropping his hands and rolling to his side.
Letting an exhausted sigh of relief escape, I readjust my nursing tank and turn off the light to his closet-slash-bedroom.
Once I found out I was pregnant, I upgraded from my studio apartment to a one-bedroom with a walk-in closet a la baby nursery.
It felt like destiny. I can barely afford it, but it's close to Asher's daycare and right next to a subway line. I'm able to go to work every day and be home by four.
