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He stalks off, still feeling sorry for himself while I furiously dry my hands and snatch my phone from Mom.
“What are you talking—”
What the fuck is that?
“Nope, this isn’t mine,” I assure her, examining the photo from every angle. “It’s obviously a wrong number or something.”
Or something being my two very childish friends.
“Darcy, it’s okay,” Mom soothes. “You’re twenty-three now. If you want to advertise for a man—” She tilts my phone back in her direction, so she can study the photo again. “—wait, is he dressed as a Care Bear?”
“What?” I laugh. “No.” I grab the phone and nod. “Yes. Yes, he is. Seriously though, Mom, it’s just—”
“Darcy, stop stressing.” Mom wraps her arms around me. “Everyone is different. I’m sure even I have desires that would shock you.”
“And I probably would be shocked by those desires, if you didn’t keep accidentally cc’ing me into things I never ever wanted to be privy to,” I tease.
Three or four times now, I’d received very descriptive emails from Mom, outlining things she wishes to do to Jim that I never wanted to know about.
“Oh, you thought that was an accident?” She winks at me.
I shudder, then shift my thoughts back to Katie and Sasha.
I’m going to fucking kill them.
I set down my phone, jumping when it rings almost immediately. Mom raises her eyebrows.
“Do you want me to get that for you too?” she asks.
“Very funny,” I say, making a face.
“Well, why not?” Mom baits me, her electric blue eyes sparkling with amusement. “If the photo wasn’t meant for you—”
“Fine. How about I just put it on speaker?” I say with a shrug.
It can’t be any worse than the photo, right?
“Hey. I’m just wondering if you’re adverse to consuming bodily fluids?”
Mom’s eyes widen. I stare at my phone in shock, then I burst into laughter.
“I’m sorry?” I sputter. I can’t look at Mom, who is now bent over in tears, she’s laughing so hard. “I think you have the wrong number.”
“Okay … so this isn’t Arsy?”
My mouth drops open. Those bitches.
They used my childhood nickname—which, by the way, is nowhere near as dirty as it sounds.
I struggled with pronouncing my name as a child, so I called myself Arsy. My parents thought this was adorable and basically encouraged it. I just wished they’d have seen the potential issues arising from that.
Pre-schoolers can be fucking harsh.
“No. Well, it is, but …” I shake my head and let out a growl. “I’m sorry, but how did you get my number?”
“The classified you placed on Anything Goes.” He speaks slowly like I’m crazy. “If it’s a bad time, I can call you back,” he offers. “Although … maybe you could just let me know where you stand with the bodily fluids issue. No point wasting both our time.”
“No, I do not consume bodily fluids,” I snap.
“Right. Okay, then. Maybe you want to consider rewording your ad then. I’ll do anything twice is pretty misleading if you’re not open to consuming my—”
I hang up and stare at my phone, laughing helplessly.
I can’t even string words together right now.
“I’d ask if this is something for me to be concerned about, but I think I already know the answer is yes.”
I spin around, my eyes widening when I see Jim standing there.
Fuck.
At least he looks amused. He glances between Mom and me, then back to Mom, who is now sitting on the floor, gasping from laughing so hard.
“I guess when Darcy is involved, it’s always a worry.” Jim continues with a grin.
“Says the father of Satan,” I mutter under my breath. But not low enough, because Jim throws his head back and releases a hearty laugh.
“Don’t worry.” He grins, “I’m the first to admit that Cameron can be a … handful.”
“A handful?” I raise an eyebrow. I can think of so many words that would be much more appropriate to describe him. “Okay, let’s go with that.”
“So, do I want to ask what I walked in on?” He pauses. “You should probably be aware that in some countries, consuming someone else’s bodily fluids is illegal.”
“Thanks for the heads-up. I guess I’ll go cancel my around the world fetish trip.” I shake my head and start to walk out of the kitchen. “It’s nothing. Trust me.” I give him a smile. “I better go and get ready for lunch.”
As I pass Mom, I shoot her a glare, making it clear that I don’t want him knowing, because A: it’s embarrassing enough as it is and B: I don’t want to risk Cameron finding out. Not that he’s ever said more than two words to me.
The second I’m in my room, I call Katie.
“Are you kidding me?” I growl. “My mom saw a photo that some creep just sent me. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she roped me into putting some weirdo on speaker.”
