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“She did?” Kat bursts out laughing. “Oh, that’s even better than I’ve been imagining. Happy birthday, by the way.”
“Gee thanks,” I snap. “Mom either thinks it’s real or she’s doing a great job of winding me up.”
“She’s always been good at stirring you,” Katie giggles. “It’s totally obvious whom you inherited that trait from. Hey, are we still on for lunch?”
“Yes. Lunch is still good.” I sit down on my bed and sigh.
“So, what did he say?” she presses.
“The guy who replied? Oh, it was just your average, cookie-cutter first contact phone call. He wanted confirmation that I was willing to consume his body fluids.” I pause. “At least I think he meant his own? Could’ve been someone else’s I guess.”
“Yuck,” Katie gasps. “Are you kidding me?”
“No. Oh, and the first guy? He sent a text. Well, a photo, actually, of himself dressed as a Care Bear, fucking some chick from behind. I think Mom was impressed.”
“A Care Bear?” She giggles.
“He got points for choosing the blue one.” I grin. “But sending a photo of yourself balls deep inside another chick—even if she was dressed as a bear? What do these people think?”
“Probably not too much.” She cracks. “God, Darc, I’m sorry. Sash suggested it—”
“Oh, so the fact that it’s pretty much the same thing you did to Adam last year is just a coincidence?” I tease her, referring to the prank she played on her boyfriend. “Which I helped you come up with, I might add.”
“All the more reason you should be able to take a joke,” she replies in a small voice.
“I’m taking it, aren’t I?” I grumble, ignoring the beep of my phone, alerting me to an incoming call. “I’ve been taking it for twenty-three years now. You’re lucky I’m finding these responses funny,” I say, cracking a smile. “Have your fun today, but if it’s not deleted by midnight—”
“It will be. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Good,” I say. “I’ll see you later then.”
My phone buzzes repeatedly when I end the call. Emails, texts, missed calls all come flooding in simultaneously. I shake my head because who knew there were so many people in LA, wanting to get their freak on?
I can’t resist reading through a few emails. Some of these replies are fucking hilarious, especially the super creepy ones, although most of them are too offensive to repeat. I toss my phone on the bed and laugh. I have to admit, as far as birthday pranks go? This one is pretty good.
One day of this I can handle, but any more is going to drive me insane.Chapter TwoDarcyGroaning, I roll over when my alarm goes off at seven, ripping it clean out of the wall. Why would anyone intentionally get up this early? I know seven won’t seem that early to a majority of people, but it might as well be three in the morning for me. It doesn’t seem right. I rub my eyes, forcing them to stay open as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed. I’m at least sitting up now, even if I’m not really awake.
Welcome to the workforce, Darcy.
When Jim offered to use his connections to get me a job at Emerald Lodge, I was so excited. As far as psychiatric clinics go, Emerald Lodge is the place to be. It’s a private hospital that’s very popular among celebrities who require urgent, inpatient treatment. Working there, fresh out of college is unheard of. People with years of experience under their belt, get rejected because, in an already competitive field, EL is the top choice. But when you’ve got one of the most respected judges in California vouching for you, I guess anything is possible. Somehow, what was supposed to only be an interview turned into a job offer. I was grateful, but in the back of my mind, I worried about what other people might think.
Before I get up, I check to make see if the ad has been deleted. I’m pretty sure it hasn’t been, considering the number of times my phone vibrated through the night. A smarter person than I would’ve gotten up and switched it off or even turned it on silent, but the actual act of getting up wasn’t something I’d been ready to commit to.
I sigh. Just as I thought, the ad is still live. I create a new text, and I add both Katie and Sasha.
Me: If that ad is not removed today, I’m gonna go all postal on your asses.
And now for the fun part. Some of these messages—no, scrap that, all of the messages that have come in fall into three categories: Obscene, disturbing and offensive. Some people were even talented enough to tick all three boxes, so you knew right away, they were going to be a real catch.
I click on the first message and giggle. I turn my phone sideways because I’m not even sure what way it’s supposed to go. I study it for a moment and then I nod decisively. Yep. I definitely understand why this guy is still single. I click on the next message and wince.
