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“You want to answer that question again?”
“Not tonight.” My voice heeds a warning that my friend takes.
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen her smile like this,” he comments, pointing to where the women in our lives are gathered on the section couch with their phones looking for tattoos.
“Yeah,” I agree. He’s right. Amelia has been carrying her illness with her, not letting us in, and even after she told us, she was tight-lipped, but the minute she told me she was pregnant, there was a change in her. As if she has something to live for. To fight for.
“This isn’t going to turn out all sunshine and roses,” I tell him, taking a swig of my beer.
“No,” he agrees.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I say quietly.
“One day at a time, brother.” Ridge rests his hand on my shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze.
I swallow back the lump of emotion forming in my throat. I know I have to be strong for Amelia, for Mara, hell, for all of them, but fuck this is hard. I want my baby, but what kind of bastard does that make me? For her to give up her life for our child’s. I’m struggling with that. I know that’s not really what’s happening. I know there is no cure for her cancer, I know that she’s not choosing the baby’s life over her own, but it feels that way. I can’t seem to make my brain understand that she’s dying.
“This a private meeting?” Tyler asks, joining us. Mark and Kent follow along behind him.
“Nope, just taking it all in,” Ridge says, saving me from my pity party for one.
“They’re excited.” Mark looks at his wife and smiles.
“About what?” I manage to ask, fighting back the anger and sadness.
“They’re planning a trip, a long weekend to Niagara Falls. Marking another item off the list,” Kent tells us.
“Should she be traveling?” I ask.
“Her OB said it was safe,” Tyler explains. I turn to look at him, eyebrows raised, and he laughs. “Hey, I listen to my wife.” He chuckles.
“Sounds like my little sister has you trained,” Ridge jokes.
Tyler shrugs. “My wife talks, I listen. Simple as that.”
“What about you? How are things with Mara?” Mark asks.
“Great. She’s incredible, and Finley, that little girl.” I can’t hide the smile that pulls at my lips when I think about her. “I just wish… fuck, I don’t know what I wish.”
“Whatever you need,” Tyler announces.
What I need is for this to be a bad dream. Not the baby. I’m okay with the baby. Sure, it’s complicated with Mara, Amelia, and me, but it’s a baby. What I’m not okay with is the cancer. The fact that it’s silently eating away at her, and she’s letting it. I want her here on this earth for as long as possible, but I want my baby. This situation is fucked and my head is fucked because of it.
“Do you think Sonia and your mom would mind helping out with Finley for a few days?” Mara asks.
We’ve just gotten home from Mark’s and are lying in bed. The room is dark, all except for the moonlight. Her back is to my chest, and my arms are locked around her. Having her close. Moments like this, holding her while there is a storm raging inside me, almost seems as if it’s under control.
Almost.
“What do you mean?”
“The Niagara trip.”
“Is there a reason I need help?”
She turns to look at me over her shoulder even though the room is dark. “You want to keep her?” There’s surprise in her voice.
“Why wouldn’t I? She’s our daughter.” I can’t see her, but I can sense her surprise from her body language and her tone of voice.
“Seth,” she whispers. She rolls over, and her hand lands on my cheek.
I pull her close and just breathe her in. I’m trying really hard not to get pissed off that she wouldn’t think that I would watch her. I know it’s my anger at life in general, not Mara. “What do you think we’re doing here, Mara? When I asked you to move in, I meant to share your life with me, and that includes Finley. I know she had a dad, but he’s not here, but I am, and damn it, I want to be that person for her. For both of you. Why can’t you see that?” Pissed that I’m getting frustrated, I release my hold on her and slide out of bed. Feeling my way through the dark, I exit the bedroom and make my way to the kitchen. Reaching into the fridge, I grab a bottle of water and down it. Once finished, I toss the empty bottle in the trash, then brace my hands on the counter, and slowly count backward from ten. When that doesn’t work, I start at a hundred. I focus on deep, even breaths. I have to get my shit in order. I can’t go snapping at her. Finley is her daughter, not mine. I have no claim to her whatsoever. No matter how badly I wish that were not the case.
“Seth.” Her soft hand lands on my bare back. “I’m sorry.”
Standing, I pull her into my arms and bury my face in her neck. I love this woman. I’m being a dick, and she’s still here. Still standing beside me. “No, I’m sorry. It’s all just… getting to me I guess.”
“We’ve never really talked about Finley. I know you love her.”
“I do. You two are my entire world. It’s as if my heart has two strings, one for each of you, and the two of you are tugging on them, pulling me closer.”
“We love you too.” She rests her head against my chest as we stand in the darkness of our kitchen holding on to one another. “You want to be her dad?” she finally asks.
“More than anything.”
“Okay.”
My heart stills in my chest, and I have to suck in a deep breath to remind myself to keep breathing. “Yeah?”
“She’s a lucky little girl.”
“I’m the lucky one.”
“We’ll tell her tomorrow when we pick her up from your parents’ place.”
“I want you both to have my last name.”
“Okay.”
“Just like that?”
“Life’s too short. I know she loves you, you’re the only father she’s ever known. I know that I love you, and that’s not going to change. With everything with Amelia, it makes you look at life differently. At least it does me. I know in my heart you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”
I swallow hard, trying like hell to hold in my emotions that are threatening to take over. “I—” I cough to clear my throat yet again. “I love you both. So much.”
“We love you too.”
I hold her tight, letting our conversation sink in. My life is in pieces, my happiness with Mara and Finley. Not only am I gaining a daughter in Finley, but gaining mine and Amelia’s baby too. Then there’s Amelia. I feel bittersweet joy at the prospect of what my future holds when hers has a time limit. None of us know when that might be, but we know it will be sooner rather than later. I have so many things to be thankful for. Then there’s the sadness, the anger, and the pain for Amelia.
Mara’s words play on repeat in my mind. “Life’s too short.” No truer words have ever been spoken. One breath, one second, one minute, one hour, hell, I’m not sure how much time passes as we stand in the middle of our kitchen, bathed in darkness holding onto one another as if the other might disappear. What I do know is that even through the sadness that threatens to choke me, I have to keep moving toward the light.
My light is Mara.
Finley.
My unborn child.
Suddenly everything is clear. Mara, Finley, Amelia, our baby… they’re all counting on me, and I’m not going to let them down. I have to pull myself out of this pity party and chase the light. Starting now.
Dropping to one knee, I capture her hands with mine. “I can’t do this. Life… I can’t do it without you. I don’t want to. I know I come with some baggage, and our situation is fucked up, but, Mara, I love you. I love Finley, and I want you to be my family. You said okay when I told you I wanted you both to have my last name. So here I am on one knee, pledging to love you both until I take my last breath. I promise to be the man
she can look up to, to guide her through life. I promise to love and cherish you both. Mara Reyes, will you do me the incredible honor of becoming my wife? Will you marry me?”
I can’t see her, and I’m kicking myself in the ass for doing this in the middle of the night in the dark in our kitchen, but fuck, the moment felt right to me. Standing, I reach out and flip the light over the sink. We both squint with the new light in the room. When my eyes finally focus, they’re on her tears. The ones that are rolling silently over her cheeks. I begin to panic, worrying this isn’t what she wants after all… until I see her smile. She’s smiling through her tears, and it lights up her face.
I drop back to my knees. I need to do this where she can see me. “Mara, will you marry me?”
She begins to nod, and I’m on my feet. Lifting her in my arms, I twirl us around in the kitchen. Her laughter rings out and it soothes my soul. Stopping us, I set her on the counter and settle between her legs. My hands cradle each side of her face. “I can’t believe you’re mine, Mrs. Jennings,” I say before pressing my lips to hers. I keep it slow as my tongue traces her bottom lip. I have a lifetime of kisses. Right now, I need to show her what she means to me.
She’s the first to pull back, and this time, it’s her turn to cradle my face in the palms of her tiny hands. “You’ve changed my life. You’ve changed Finley’s life. We’re so lucky to have you. “
“We need a ring.”
Her smile is blinding. “I don’t need a ring. I have your heart, Seth. That’s more than enough.”
“Nope. We’re getting you a ring. In fact, we’re going to go shopping in the morning. We can pick it out together before we go pick Finny up from my parents.”
“Seth.” She tries to argue.
“You’re getting a ring, baby.” Turning, I give her my back. “Hop on.” She chuckles and wraps her arms and legs around me. “Hit the light.” I lean in close so she can reach the switch and slowly make my way back to our room. When I place my back to the bed, she releases her hold and falls back, laughing. Grabbing my phone from the nightstand, I pull up the website of the jeweler I know the guys have used for their wives’ rings. “Let’s take a look. See what you like.”
