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Letting her go is nothing I want to do. I just don’t have a choice.
Regrets… the taste of them nearly destroys me.75ToiThe waiting is taking forever. I’m sitting in the surgery waiting room. I have Harley’s head in my lap. He should be home, but he was there today and he’s not willing to leave my side. I push my hair out of my face, feeling so tired it hurts to move. I look down at my pants and see blood on them…
Marcum’s blood.
You bled for me, I’ll bleed for you…
I’m paraphrasing, but the craziness of what Marcum said to justify dying for me makes me angry. I want to push through those double doors, find his surgery room and scream at him. How dare he make the decisions he made! How dare he tell me goodbye!
How dare he think it’s okay for him to leave me…
It’s not okay. It’s not.
I motion over to Babs, because I know I’m close to losing it and I can’t do that—not in front of Harley.
I point to Harley, trying to get my message across without talking. She nods her head in understanding. Unfortunately, Harley wasn’t really asleep and jerks up as I try to move so Babs can take my place.
“Where are you going?” Harley cries, fear thick in his voice. I swallow down my panic. I kneel down in front of his chair and ruffle my fingers through his soft hair. My voice is gone. Between the crying, the pain, overusing and not taking my medication… Still, I take a breath and I try.
“I…” my voice cracks and the only sound I can make is that of a wheeze.
“You’re mad at me. I didn’t know Toi, I swear. Cherry said you were going to make Dad send me away. She said you wouldn’t want me anymore now that you had a new baby, because I had been mean to you.”
“Harley.” I try to push through my limitations. I say his name, but it’s so quiet that I doubt even Harley could hear it.
“It’s my fault. It’s all my fault, Toi. I killed Daddy,” he cries and my heart breaks all over again. I fall to my ass on the floor and pull Harley into my lap. I hold him so close that I’m probably squeezing him too tight. I put my lips at his ear, because I need him to hear me.
“You are not the reason Daddy is hurt and Daddy is strong. He’s going to survive Harley. He’s going to survive,” I tell him and I’m praying I’m right. “It’s going to be okay,” I whisper over and over, rocking Harley in my arms. While, in my head, I’m begging Marcum to hear me and fight to come back to his family.
We need him.
I need him.76ToiI stare at the casket, eerily calm. I feel so cold. There’s nothing left inside of me. It’s all gone, everything. Around me are Marcum’s men; Desi and Harley are with Max. They’re all remembering Marcum, smiling and quietly subdued.
I’m sitting here staring at the casket, unable to move. Above the casket is a monitor and it’s going through pictures of Marcum. Some I’ve never seen. Some from when he was young. He looked like he was about to defy the world. Picture after picture pages through his life. Pictures of him with Max, some with his other kids, pictures with Harley and Desi, and with all of his men. In each, he’s smiling that cocky smile that says, “I got it under control.”
The one thing that’s not on the screen… not once… are pictures of me and him together. That’s because we don’t have any. I loved him with all my heart and now it’s like… like we were never a part of one another’s life. Like Marcum led this happy, beautiful life… without ever having met me.
I was no one.
I’ve watched the pictures cycle through over and over. I’ve lost count as to how many times and each time… it hurts more.
There are no pictures of me.
There are no pictures of our marriage.
There are no pictures of the children we would have had.
No pictures of the life we would have had… because we didn’t get that.
We’ll never get that.
That’s when the sobs start. Huge, uncontrollable sobs that rock through my body, leaving destruction in their wake.
“Hush for me, Dragonfly. Hush for me.”
I look up at the casket and Marcum is sitting up looking at me, telling me to stop crying.
I scream.“Toi, honey, wake up.”
I’m jerked back to reality by Max’s arms as he shakes me. I look up at him, blinking—tears still falling down my face.
I look around the room frantically searching for Marcum. But I’m not at his funeral. There is no casket and the only people in the small private hospital room are me and Max—and he just got here. I was alone in here all night.
