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“I’ll tell you about it for two reasons, Rory. The first one being is I remember how it felt to be in your shoes, afraid to believe in a good man. I almost waited too long, and I don’t want you to make that same mistake, because as hard as it is for women like us to believe… there are good men out there and Diesel is definitely one I count in that number.”
My heart flutters in my chest at her words, but I ignore it and try to concentrate on what she says next.
“What’s the other reason?” I ask her.
“I’ve had good friends, Rory—better than I deserved. My girl, Nicole, she took my back even though it almost killed her and almost destroyed the man she loved. I don’t know how to repay that. Sometimes I think I moved here to get away from the guilt I feel every time I see the dark memories enter her face. But…”
She stops talking, her face looking almost tortured. She grabs hold of my hand again and this time the hold is painful, but I return it with just as much pressure, because I think she needs something to hold onto… Something to center her.
“Tell me,” I urge her softly, knowing all too well the different ways you can get lost in your head.
“Until you’ve lived in the darkness that we have, Rory. Until it has touched you and scarred you with its blackness… You can’t understand it. You can’t begin to understand the decisions it forces you to make. And I know better than anyone how distant you feel from everyone else, because there’s just no way they can understand the hell inside your own brain. I see it in you and it makes me think… finally there’s someone who understands me. Zander loves me, and he loves me unconditionally, but he can’t understand. He wasn’t there. He saw the aftermath, but he didn’t live it. Living it makes all the difference,” she says and I just nod because I have no words.
“Tell me,” I invite, wanting to hear her story, needing to, because I think she’s right. Finally, there’s someone who might understand me.
“If I’m going to get into that conversation. I’m grabbing a bottle of Jack and we’ll go to your room. I’d rather not have anyone see me when I discuss this particular topic. Besides my man has radar. He knows the minute I’m upset.”
“Then let’s get that bottle,” I tell her, standing up.
“Wait. If you had sex… maybe you should have juice. You know, in case one of Diesel’s little swimmers decided to make a home…”
“What?”
She looks pointedly at my stomach.
“Oh. No. I’m good. We used condoms,” I tell her blushing and ignoring the empty feeling I feel inside.
“A condom? Fuck… really?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I just didn’t figure Diesel would allow that. I thought he’d try and tie you to him the first real chance he got.”
“We don’t need fucking condoms, Gorgeous. I need to fuck you raw. I want to feel you—all of you.”
Noah’s words from the other night instantly play inside my brain and it causes my body to jolt like someone hit me.
“Hah!” Dani laughs. “I’m getting the picture. You made the poor boy suit up.”
I ignore her laughter and walk with her while she picks up a bottle of Jack and two shot glasses. As we’re leaving the room, I feel Noah’s gaze burning into me. I don’t look back, but I really want to…43Diesel“Our women have been gone for a while,” Crusher mutters, looking anxious.
“Yeah,” I answer, taking a pull on my beer.
“You seem awful relaxed about that.”
“You have problems about Dani bonding with Rory?” I ask him, confused.
“What? Hell no. I like Rory. It’s about time you tangle with a woman worth it for a change.”
“Then, what’s your problem, Crush?”
“Dani had a bad night. I just would feel better if I could get my eyes on her, make sure she’s good.”
“Nightmares?” I ask. I’m one of the few that know Dani’s story here. The only other would be Gunner, but then he and Crusher were in the same crew when it went down. Dani went through hell. I respect the fuck out of her, because she’s a survivor. I felt like she got a raw deal from the other crew back then. When life repeatedly kicks you in the balls, it changes how you react to things. Your decisions might not be sound, because your head is fucked up seven ways till Sunday. Still, there are legitimate reasons behind every single decision. I definitely understand her. Going off to Montana, in hindsight, probably wasn’t the best laid plan, that said if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met Rory and despite everything… I would not have fucking missed that for the world.
Life is fucked. You take the good with the bad. In this particular case there’s no contest. If the good is Rory, I’d take whatever the bad holds every damn time. It’d be worth it, just to have her.
