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‘What’s her name?’ I ask.
‘Athena Williams, but just Athena will be great.’
I take the CD, sign it, and give it back.
He smiles. ‘All right, Sir. Thanks for this. You take care now.’
‘No problem,’ I say, and walk out of the door.
Outside it is gray. There is not a single reporter or TV crew waiting. I have to hand it to Octavia. She knows her job.
I stand on the deserted stone steps and suddenly I remember that night Tori dressed me up in the mustache, beard, and fake nose. It feels like a lifetime ago. I was happy then. But all of it was a lie. Fuck her. I don’t need her.
A woman is coming up the steps, our eyes meet. She recognizes me. As she opens her mouth I let my eyes slide away and, keeping my head down, start down the steps. I’ve got no wheels. The fuckers impounded my car, but whatever. On the pavement I walk briskly down the road.
When I see a taxi I hail it. I sit at the back of the cab and don’t allow myself to think. As the taxi turns into my street I shake my head. Fuck! Both sides of the streets are full of camera crews from all the large TV networks. So she called them.
‘The fucking bitch,’ I swear under my breath.
The driver meets my eyes in the rearview mirror. ‘I can turn around and take you somewhere else.’
I shake my head. ‘Just drop me off right outside that black door.’
‘Right you are,’ he says crisply. ‘My youngest daughter loves you by the way. Can I have an autograph?’
I sign a fifty pound note and slip it through the gap in the partition.
‘Thanks, mate,’ he says.
He stops outside my door.
Pandemonium breaks around me as I run up the steps. Microphones being thrust into my face, flashbulbs going from every direction, people screaming, ‘Here, Cash. Look here, Cash? Is it true you were caught having a blow job at the back of your car? Who was the girl, Cash? Turn this way, Cash? Will the police be charging you with reckless driving? How high over the limit were you? Are you going to lose your license, Cash? Give us a smile, Cash. Any comments?’
I slip my key into the keyhole and turn it. The door opens. I walk in and shut the ugly world outside. The phone is ringing steadily. God, what a bitch! She leaked the story that someone was giving me a blowjob when I was stopped.
An excellent example of a 24 karat bitch style revenge.
Well done, Octavia.
Tori
I catch the six o’clock news and I am shocked by how horrendously pained my heart is by the knowledge that a woman’s lips other than mine have been wrapped around Cash’s shaft. In my mind I must have already claimed it as my own. Then the agony of knowing how quickly he has replaced me.
I go down to the bottom of the garden and sit under the apple tree. The air is muggy and lazy with the buzzing of bumble bees. I pull my knees up to my chest and cry my eyes out. My heart feels like it has shattered into millions of pieces.
In my mind I cannot stop scolding myself. If only I had sat him down earlier. If only I had told him. I’d give anything to turn the clock back. Why did I waste that opportunity in my room having sex? I should have told him then. If only. Oh God. Why? Why didn’t I do it? Stupid. How stupid I have been!
I hear the sound of rustling. I look up and my aunt is standing in front of me. She sits beside me, arranges her skirt around her ankles, and turns to look at me.
‘I’m sorry, Tori,’ she sighs softly.
Fresh tears start pouring down my cheeks. I wipe them away with the backs of my hands.
‘Tell me what happened?’ she asks, her face concerned.
I know I have to tell her. This is going to take much longer than I imagined to get over. I can’t walk around like death warmed over and expect everyone to pretend that all is well. Haltingly I tell her everything.
‘I did write those words. It was my diary and it was where I recorded all my frustrations and thoughts, but she took it out of context and made it sound so bad, Aunt Claire. She made me out to be such a conniving bitch. As if I had set out to trap him. I swear it was never my intention. I just wanted to finish my crush one way or another.’
I sniff and blow my nose.
‘I thought, I actually thought that I would meet him and in the worst case scenario we’d have sex and he would start ignoring me, and I’d have to draw a line in the sand and move on, or best case scenario I would see him up close and realize that he was a media created, shallow creature and naturally fall out of love. And be free. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody. In my plan the only person who might have got hurt would have been me.’
‘Oh, Tori,’ my aunt exhales.
‘And you know what the worst thing is? I hurt Britney. She’s the sweetest, most generous soul ever. It was her birthday party and she had so looked forward to it.’
‘Why don’t you call him?’ my aunt suggests gently.
‘I can’t. He’s totally disgusted with me. You should have seen his face, Aunt Claire.’
‘I still think you should explain. The man I met wouldn’t push you away.’
‘He knows where I am, but he doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I can’t say I blame him. I should have told him.’ I pause. ‘Anyway, he’s moved on. It’s not like he’s lacking in female company.’
‘I find that hard to believe.’
A bark of bitter laughter passes my lips. ‘They mentioned him on the six o’clock news. He was caught driving under the influence and … and … he was getting a blowjob in his car.’
My aunt frowns. ‘Oh dear. Still, you can’t believe everything you see on the media. A lot of this stuff is just … fluff and scandal to sell more newspapers and boost viewing figures.’
‘I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe I have messed up this bad. It’s so painful I can’t bear it. I can’t stop thinking about him. At night I lay awake for hours, tossing and turning, and when I finally fall asleep I dream of him. Everything reminds me of him.’
‘I know you are hurting now, but you are young and you will get over him.’
I shake my head. ‘No, I won’t. I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember, Aunt Claire. Nothing I’ve ever done has changed that. I’ve tried having other boyfriends, I tried cold turkey and I’ve tried this latest fiasco, and in the end I just fall deeper in love with him,’ I sob.
‘Oh, darling. What you need to do is leave England, at least for a while. Activity and change. That’s what is going to knock him out of your mind. Why don’t you take that trip you planned to Europe, hmmm? Isn’t Leah just waiting for you to say the word?’
‘Yes, but the idea of backpacking through Europe has completely lost its appeal. I can’t even bring myself to think of going to the corner shop let alone all around Europe. I’ll just be miserable there instead of here.’
‘No, you won’t. When you’re on the move and seeing new things every day you won’t have much opportunity to mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Trust me. It’s the best thing for you.’
I lean my cheek on my knees and look at my aunt. ‘What if I go and I’m still miserable and I just end up spoiling poor Leah’s holiday?’
‘Honey, you have more chances of winning the lottery than spoiling Leah’s holiday. If I’m reading Leah right, she’ll drag you right over this slump and bring you out on the side of the living.’
I smile weakly.
‘So it’s decided then. You’ll both go on your holiday. She’s coming over tomorrow so we might as well do a bit of shopping today to get you everything you need for your holiday.’
My jaw drops. ‘Leah is arriving tomorrow?’
My aunt nods. ‘Be grateful for everything you have, Tori. Because you have a lot. Far more than most people. You have a big family who love you to death and you have Leah who’ll do anything for you.’
‘She didn’t say she was coming and I thought she wanted to save a bit more money for at least the next two months.’
‘I lent her
the money.’
I look at her in amazement. ‘You did?’
‘It was worth it to get your cute little butt out of my way,’ she says with a smile.
My aunt and I go to the airport to meet Leah. She doesn’t say a word. Just envelops me in a big, silent hug and lets me cry my guts out. Never once does she say, ‘I told you so.’
Afterwards, bless her, she takes total charge. She is like a whirlwind. In two days we are in St Pancras International. As we pass a newsstand I see the screaming headlines in one of the tabloids.
Alkaline break up.
I can’t help but read the subtitle.
Sources close to Cash Hunter say that he is the reason the band is dissolving. He wants to pursue a solo career in music.
Then, before I know it, I am sitting on the high-speed train to Paris. I stare out of the window. Cash Hunter is leaving. He’s going to pursue his dream of making the kind of music he wants, and I won’t be there to see it.
I feel my heart sigh deeply. It’s over. The party’s truly over. I’ve drawn the line in the sand. I’m hurt and shattered and I am filled with regret for the things I did, but I don’t regret coming to England. I don’t regret meeting Cash, loving him, giving my body to him.
If I had my time over I would make the same decision again today, only the execution would be different. I would tell him the truth on the first day. I’d say. ‘Wow, do you know, Cash Hunter, I’m your biggest fan?’ Who knows what he’d say. One thing for sure it’d be crude and funny. Maybe I’d laugh. Maybe we’d have dinner. Maybe …
Maybe my aunt is right. One day I will forget. One day I will stop being so crazy over him. I will glue all the broken pieces of my heart together and I’ll find someone else. In the glass I see my reflection. My face is pale and my eyes red-rimmed and blotchy.
‘Look, the white cliffs of Dover,’ Leah cries, her voice full of excitement.
I turn my eyes towards the majestic sight. ‘Goodbye, Cash. Goodbye.’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ny4izkgnX_k
(To Be By Your Side)
