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My stomach sank as I tried to seem nonchalant. “Oh. Okay. He doesn’t normally do that—spend the night there.”
“I know. Things must be getting serious between them.” Maura cocked her head. “How do you feel about that?”
“How am I supposed to feel?” I responded defensively. “Why would I feel anything about that?”
“You and he seem to get along really well. I just wondered if maybe you...”
When she hesitated, I finished her sentence. “If I have feelings for him?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, he’s obviously a very handsome guy. And I don’t know… Ever since that night I walked out and found you two making s’mores, I’ve thought there might be…something there.”
My mouth welded itself shut. I sure as hell didn’t want to admit to Maura that I had a crush on Caleb. But I feared denying it would somehow make it more obvious. So I said nothing. I was really good at that.
“You have always resisted opening up to me,” she said. “There’s not much I can do to change that because the more I try, the more you retreat. But I want to remind you again that I am on your side. You can tell me anything, and I’ll listen, Teagan. I didn’t bring Caleb up to embarrass you. I just sense something between you and thought maybe you would want to talk about it. I know it’s none of my business. You’re nineteen now—an adult. At the very least, if you won’t let me be your mother, let me be your friend.”
There was no reason I had to keep shutting Maura out. I just didn’t know how to let her in.
“I’m sorry, Maura. It’s me, not you.”
“I’ve been worried about you,” she admitted.
Because of Caleb? “Why?”
“I feel like you might be harboring your emotions since the attack. Are you sure you don’t want me to find you a therapist?”
Oh. “If I were going to go to a therapist, I probably should have gone a long time ago for reasons other than what happened in the theater. I really am okay.”
I didn’t understand why I hadn’t been more traumatized by the attack. I’d had one good cry that night—the night Caleb walked in on me sobbing—but I hadn’t experienced anything like it since. Lately I’d mostly been thinking about Caleb, wondering if he was okay, because he’d seemed to be avoiding me since the night he told me about his sister. He’d canceled our last study session for no real reason. I missed hanging out with him but also recognized that my feelings were dangerous.
I needed to end this conversation. “Thank you for always being there, Maura. I know you mean well. And I’m sorry if I come across as unappreciative.”
“I just want you to be happy, Teagan. You’re at a tough age. As long as you know you can come to me about anything...”
“I do. Thank you.”***Later that night, Caleb texted, which was odd considering he was sleeping over at Veronica’s.Caleb: So, when you imagined Maura choking on a chicken bone, was it barbecue or perhaps a buffalo wing?Oh my God.Teagan: I was hoping you didn’t remember that admission.Caleb: I remember everything. So you’re out of luck.Teagan: Great.Caleb: So was it buffalo? Maybe some bleu cheese on the side?Teagan: Teriyaki. LOLA few seconds later he responded.Caleb: Sorry I haven’t been around to study lately.Teagan: Excuses. Excuses.Caleb: I’ll get back on track this coming week.My stomach did a little dip at the prospect.Teagan: What are you doing right now?Caleb: Veronica’s sleeping and I’m bored. Figured I’d taunt you.Teagan: Why aren’t you sleeping?Caleb: Why aren’t YOU sleeping?Teagan: I had two cups of coffee after dinner.Caleb: I’m just wired for no reason.He texted again before I had a chance to respond.Caleb: I also wanted to say thank you for listening the other night.Teagan: I was worried that maybe you were avoiding me because you felt ashamed or something.Caleb: That’s not it. I guess I just needed some time. I know the second I look at you, I’ll start to feel some of those emotions again. Because now you know, and there’s no hiding from it. It’s complicated, I guess. I needed a few days.The confirmation that he’d been intentionally staying away made me a little sad, but I understood.Teagan: I get it.Caleb: I’ve missed studying with you.I wanted to slap my own face for feeling tingly. I liked hearing that. Once again proof that I couldn’t control my feelings—about a guy who viewed me like a sister. Then I started to overanalyze. It hit me that maybe he liked me because I reminded him of what it would have been like if his sister were alive. She was younger than him. So was I.
I wished I could see him as a brother. It would make things much less complicated. I hated feeling jealous over his sleeping at Veronica’s. But I couldn’t help it.
