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The fact that he was even considering staying filled me with what was likely false hope. “Do we have any other options?”
“I should have the answer, but I don’t,” he said.
“I just can’t imagine never seeing you again,” I cried.
“Sometimes I feel like I need to do something drastic so we don’t have to be apart, but…” His words trailed off.
My heart beat faster as I continued his statement for him. “But?”
“The more I think about it, the more unsure I am that…being with me would be the best decision for you right now.”
My stomach filled with dread. “The right decision for me?”
He placed his hand on my side and squeezed. “You’re so young, Teagan. We both are. What if we turn our lives upside down for each other only to find it was a mistake?”
What was I thinking?
I truly regretted proposing he stay. Caleb not going back to England was a fantasy. He had too much responsibility back home, and we both needed to finish school. That had always been clear to me. It had just gotten clouded by my growing feelings.
“This doesn’t have to be the end for us, Teagan. We need to take it one day at a time. Maybe you can take a trip to England, or I can come back and visit.”
Visit?
The thought of only seeing him for short visits sounded miserable. It was hard enough now when he merely came home late from the restaurant. I knew deep down I could never handle a long-distance relationship. I didn’t want to put that burden on either of us. This just sucked.
“If two people are meant to be, they find a way to be together,” he said. “Even if not immediately. But I don’t think it’s wise for either of us to make any promises.”
I felt my heart breaking. He didn’t seem confident that we’d ever work out. I knew I needed to make a mature decision before I got hurt.
“Maybe we need to tone this down right now, then.”
He swallowed. “You mean, stop sleeping together?”
“Everything.”
While he looked disappointed, Caleb nodded. “If you think that’s best.”
“It’s not what I want, Caleb. But we’re getting down to the wire now. If you know there’s no chance in hell of you sticking around, we should start weaning ourselves off of each other.”
“Fuck.” He turned to stare up at the ceiling. “That sounds painful. But I get it. I don’t ever want to hurt you, and I’m afraid I already have. So if I can avoid doing more damage, that’s what I need to do.”
I turned his face toward mine. “I don’t want you to think I will ever regret getting to experience everything with you. I absolutely won’t. It would have haunted me if we didn’t have this time together.”
“I needed to hear that.” He leaned in to kiss the nape of my neck. “This last month is going to be tough.”
“Let’s just take it day by day, okay? Try to get through it without hurting one another.”
His voice was strained. “I never want to hurt you.”
I forced a pathetic smile. “I know.”
Caleb’s brow lifted. “I assume this means I’m going up to my room.”
I nodded sadly. “Yes. I think it’s best if you do.”
Caleb stole one final, chaste kiss before lifting himself off the bed. Even though my heart was broken, I knew this was right.
After he left, I couldn’t sleep.
I was devastated.***Maura caught me in the kitchen after I went upstairs for breakfast the next morning. “You have a second?”
Opening the fridge, I said, “Sure. What’s up?”
“I was thinking of planning something for Caleb’s goodbye. Maybe a party or a dinner out? What do you think?”
I paused on my way to the carton of milk. Something about the word goodbye hit me hard. I knew he was leaving, of course, but hearing that actual word caused me to burst into tears.
I just wished it hadn’t happened in front of Maura. She was already on to me, and now there would be no denying what was going on.
I wiped my eyes. “Whatever.”
“Teagan, I know you’ve been sleeping with him.”
I closed my eyes and continued to wipe my face.
“I’ve heard him coming up from your room in the early morning when he thinks we’re asleep.”
Not sure why I felt like being candid all of a sudden. Maybe because there was no sense in denying something so obvious. But I also needed to let it out to someone.
“We’re not…doing that anymore. We decided to stop, so that neither of us gets hurt any more than we have to when he leaves.”
“You care about each other.” She smiled sympathetically. “I’ve always known that.”
“I do care about him. So much. But we’re trying to be mature. He has to go back to England. That’s the end of the story.”
She took a seat and gestured to the chair in front of her. As much as I didn’t really want to, I sat down.
