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“I know he doesn’t want to go back,” she said.
“He doesn’t, but that’s not going to change anything. He has to. Things are not great back home. His mother needs him, and he has reasons for feeling responsible.”
No way was I going to violate Caleb’s trust by telling her about his home life. But I wanted her to understand.
“I’ve always suspected there was something back home that wasn’t right.”
“Anyway, I don’t mean to blow off your idea about a going away party. I just don’t know if I can handle it.”
She stared down at the table. “Maybe Dad and I will take him out to a nice dinner. That way it can be low key, and you can decide if you want to come. No big goodbye party.”
There was that word again. Goodbye. It cut like a knife.
I nodded but doubted I’d be able to sit through any kind of event that celebrated his leaving.
“You know…” she said. “When I was around your age, before I met your dad, I had a boyfriend who had to move overseas for a job. His name was Alvin.”
“Interesting name.”
“Yeah. He was an interesting guy, too.” She grinned. “Anyway, we tried to make it work, but eventually it just became too difficult. It was hard to lose him. I remember feeling like he’d chosen the job over me, and ultimately that resentment was what did us in.” She sighed. “He was my first love, so I can relate to what you must be feeling.”
I wanted to be irritated with Maura right now for prying, but her words had a calming effect. Her relationship with this guy had ended, and eventually she met my father, who I knew she was head-over-heels in love with. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world when a relationship ends.
“Thank you for sharing that with me.”
Still, I refused to open up any more. My feelings were so raw. I’d fallen in love with Caleb and couldn’t help feeling like his leaving was an abandonment, even though that wasn’t fair and I knew better.***Caleb: This staying away business is fucking hard. (And so am I.)Caleb and I had been doing a great job distancing ourselves from each other. So I wasn’t sure how to respond to his random text without telling him how sad I was. I chose not to respond at all.
Then he texted again.Caleb: I fucking miss you, Teagan. Don’t even respond, alright? I know this isn’t helping. But I’m feeling very weak right now, because I’m right upstairs and can’t see you, touch you, kiss you, be inside of you. So since I can’t do those things, here I am texting you. Which I HATE. Because I can’t stop thinking about you. If you take anything away from our time together, I want you to know this: You, Teagan Carroll, are the smartest, funniest, most unique person I have ever met. The weeks where we let go of our fears and allowed ourselves to experience each other to the fullest were the best weeks of my life. I want you to know how much it means that you gave yourself to me. I’m sorry I have to leave. You have no idea how much.His text hurt my heart. Because as beautiful as his words were, they didn’t change the fact that he was leaving. The more minutes that passed, though, the more unnatural it felt not to return his sentiments, so I gave in.
I let go of everything. The floodgates opened.Teagan: Is this the part where I get mad at you for writing out your feelings instead of talking to me when I’m right downstairs? Didn’t you tell me never to do that? (Kidding.) I’m glad you didn’t come down here, because I wouldn’t be able to control myself. And we know how that would have ended. I don’t know what to say to your kind words, except that the pleasure of knowing you and experiencing being with you was all mine. I have no regrets about anything, Caleb. None.A few minutes later, he sent one more text.Caleb: CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO* * *CALEBMy last days went by in a blur. Too fast. With only three more nights left, the Carrolls were supposed to be taking me out to dinner. I knew Teagan was working late at the aquarium and wasn’t planning to join us. And I was fine with that. Or at least I told myself I was. Because I knew it would be hard for her.
About an hour before we were scheduled to leave for the restaurant, Maura caught me blankly staring out the living room window.
She came up behind me. “How are you holding up?”
I turned around and forced a smile, certain she could see right through me. Then I just admitted the truth. “Not well.”
