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It wasn’t exactly the way I might have imagined this playing out, but this wasn’t some windswept, romantic figment of my imagination. This was reality. And the reality? It wasn’t just us in the equation anymore. He was engaged to another woman. He had a life in another country. In his continuing silence, I could feel confusion emanating from him.
As my fingers continued to thread through his beautiful, thick hair, I wondered if I was touching my Gavin or someone else’s. I couldn’t breathe that sigh of relief I so desperately wanted to. Instead, my chest was tight. He’d never known I loved him. This was my only chance to tell him how I felt, even if it was too late.
He opened his eyes and finally looked up at me. That was my cue.
“Gavin…I...” I hesitated to catch my breath. “I never got over it. Never got over you. I tried so hard to make the other relationships I had work, but the memory of what it felt like to be with you… It always felt like I was selling myself short. You can’t give your heart to someone when it belongs to someone else. You’ve always had my heart, even though you didn’t know it.”
He reached up and cupped my face, caressing my cheek with his thumb. He remained silent as he continued to look at me.
I closed my eyes a moment. “Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It felt like part of me died that day, and I’ve never gotten it back. We only had one summer, but it was everything to me. I never had a chance to tell you how I felt, that I was in love with you, too. I loved you, Gavin. So much. I still do.”
Admitting that last part was a little risky, but it was all the truth. I did still love him, and I needed him to know.
He kept nodding, and then he let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, Raven. I’m sorry my mother manipulated us. I’m sorry I trusted her word and never figured out the truth. At the time, I begged her to tell me if she had anything to do with it, and she swore she didn’t. I stupidly bought it. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you when your mother died. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for everything else you’ve been through since. I’m sorry you’ve had to see me with Paige. I’m just…sorry. So fucking sorry for everything.”
“Please don’t apologize.”
He closed his eyes again, but this time, I didn’t feel so comfortable running my fingers through his hair. Something about his apology, his reluctance to return my declaration of unwavering love, sparked panic inside.
Then he asked, “Why didn’t you come find me after your mother died? Why didn’t you tell me the truth then?”
I tried to explain my reasoning as best I could. “I was in such a bad place after I lost her. I felt very vulnerable, and honestly, I still feared your mother, that she would harm me somehow for telling you the truth—that she would do something bad to you, too. It had been three years, and I also worried you’d moved on. There were a lot of reasons that seemed legitimate at the time, but I see now that they were all just fear—the same reason it took me so long to admit the truth to you now.”
I waited for him to say something—anything—for agonizing moments.
He sighed deeply. “I don’t feel like I have any answers. There’s so much I need to figure out. There’s a lot I want to say to you right now, but I don’t know if any of it’s appropriate under the circumstances. I need to step back and process all of this.”
I tensed up. “Of course.”
We sat in silence for a bit until he said, “I have to go back to London tomorrow.”
I knew he was leaving, and what did I expect him to say or do under the circumstances? He was engaged. His life was there. Even if he still had feelings for me, he had to go back. London was his home.
I had to accept that there was a very good chance his knowledge of the truth wouldn’t change anything. This was far from my dream outcome. But at least he knew. At least I no longer had to live with the burden of that lie, one I thought I’d take to my grave. For that, I was grateful.
Gavin stood up, and I followed suit. He locked his fingers with mine. As he towered over me, I looked up into his beautiful blue eyes and thanked God for at least giving me the opportunity to tell him how I felt.
He took me in his arms and held me tight. The frantic beat of his heart reflected the turmoil within him. Was this our goodbye?
