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“Yeah. And…” I struggle to find the words. “And you mean a lot to me, too.”
She closes her eyes. “I wish there was a way. I’ve been thinking about it all day.”
“Me too.”
When she opens her eyes to look at me, the shine of her tears sends me from my seat around to the other side of the table, where I bend down to pull her into my arms.
“I can’t even do a long-distance relationship because I’ll be working undercover again,” she says, holding on to me tightly. “If I could still talk to you every night and at least see you on weekends…”
“I know, babe.”
“But I can’t.”
I pull back and take her hand, leading her to the living room, where we sit side by side on the couch. She wipes her tears from her face with one hand and puts the other one on my knee.
“I wouldn’t be happy if I quit my job for a man,” she says, sighing. “Even you.”
“I’d never ask you to do that.”
“But keeping my job means I can’t talk to you or see you once I leave here. I mean, I could see you in between assignments, but that’s only a few days every so many months most of the time, and…”
“It’s not enough,” I finish, putting an arm around her.
She smiles at me through her tears. “Why do you have to be so amazing, Jonah West? Why do you make me want to be your girlfriend? I’ve never felt this way, and I have to admit, I’m not sure I completely like it.”
“That’s because you like being in control, and for once, you’re not.”
She gives me a sharp look. “Because what, you are?”
I have the best laugh I’ve had all day. “Fuck no, I’m not. Do I look in control to you? I fucking ate ice cream for lunch like some wallowing teenager.”
Rey laughs with me and then gives me a sheepish look. “I’m sorry.”
“At the risk of sounding like a therapist, which I definitely am not, I get it. What happened to you when you were a kid is unthinkable. Your world fell out from under you and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it.”
Looking down at her lap, Rey softly says something I’ve heard her say before, “My grandma stepped up and took care of me, though.”
“Hey, look at me.” I brush Rey’s hair behind her ear on the side that’s facing me so I can see her face clearly as she looks up and over. “You can say that to everyone else when you talk about it. That’s your way of gutting up and saying you could have had it worse, I know that. But not with me. I see you, Rey. I know the truth. You lost your mother forever as a little girl and the man who killed her was supposed to love and protect both of you. That’s fucking hard, and I’d be shocked if you didn’t have trust issues.”
Her expression crumbles. Rey leans her forehead against my shoulder as she cries. Not silent tears, but powerful sobs that shake her shoulders. I close my eyes and kiss the top of her head, wishing I could take the pain away. It’s part of who she is, though, and I love every inch of her.
When she’s out of tears to cry, Rey looks up at me, her dark eyes red-rimmed and swollen.
“Do you think you can ever love another woman?” she asks in a small voice. “I see you, too, and I know your wife was your everything.”
My heart catches, both from the mention of Lily and from the hope in Rey’s voice. I swallow hard and cup her tear-stained cheek in my hand.
“She was my everything, but she’s gone. And I know she’d want me to keep living.”
“I’m nothing like her. I’m not good, or sweet or patient.”
I smile. “You aren’t patient, I’ll give you that. But you are good, Rey. You’re every bit as good as Lily was. You’re just different. You’re you.”
She nods, and I take a breath, my heart racing as I put everything on the table.
“You asked if I could love another woman again, and the answer is that I already do. I love you, Rey. I wish you could stay more than I can even say, but at the same time, I love that your way of coping with what happened to you is saving kids. If you quit doing that for me, you wouldn’t be you anymore.”
She releases an emotional breath. “I love you, too, Jonah. And I hate so fucking much that I have to leave you.”
“Maybe someday…” I shake my head. “Yeah, this fucking sucks. I don’t want you someday. I want you now.”
Rey stands up. “I’m so sorry, but I have to go. This hurts so damn much. I want to spend my last couple days with you, but if I do, I’ll just spend them crying and wishing things could be different. In those couple days,” her voice breaks with emotion, “I’ll just fall a little more in love with you.”
