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I inhaled deeply and blew out a huge breath. It was time for me to tell her some things that I had been holding in for a very long time.
“Hello?” my friend said, sounding chipper. “How’s everything going?” She seemed so happy and nonchalant that I almost hung up the phone — instead, I burst into tears.
“Oh, Monica,” I wailed, not exactly sure why I was crying. “I feel horrible. I’ve been keeping a secret from you, and I hope that you aren’t mad. But it’s about Joshua.”
“Joshua?” she asked, sounding alarmed. “What did that prick do now?”
“No, no,” I said, waving a hand in the air as if she could see me. “It’s nothing like that. It’s…well…I love him.” My heart thumped as I admitted it for the first time, and I knew that it was true. Not letting my friend get a word in, I powered on. “We’ve slept together. Actually, we’ve slept together a few times. And whenever we have sex together, neither one of us will talk about it. Ever. We just pretend that it never happened and talk about everything except that. And I was okay with that pattern for a while, but now that I know how I feel about him, it’s not okay. And I just don’t know what to do.”
The phone was silent for a minute. I thought that I’d hung up the call until I heard Monica cluck her tongue.
“You two are the most chicken shit scared people that I’ve ever seen in my life,” she said. “You need to get over it, stop being so scared, and just go for it. If you two have slept together, then that means that he obviously has feelings for you. And you guys are so wonderful together. I mean, you’re acting like you’re not in love when it’s as clear as day that you are in love.”
Was that true? I sat up straight in the bed, almost knocking the headboard against the wall. I knew for sure that I was in love with my best friend. The only question was: was he in love with me? Could Josh feel the same way I did?
“Yeah, you’re right,” I said, feeling the room beginning to spin. What was that? Nerves? I stood up and walked across the carpet to open a window, thinking that maybe some fresh air would do me some good and keep me from puking all over the place. I told Monica how I was feeling and that I probably needed to get off of the phone and find something to drink.
“What you need to do is go to the store and pick up a pregnancy test,” said Monica. “If you two have been sleeping together, there might be a chance that you’re pregnant.”
I hadn’t even thought about that. It just seemed like such a crazy idea — me being pregnant — that it hadn’t entered my mind as a possibility until now. But it kind of made sense that I would check to see if I was pregnant since Joshua and I hadn’t used any type of protection when we slept together. Our nights were always unplanned and crazy.
I quickly got off the phone and told myself that I wouldn’t think about the possibility that I might be pregnant. Yet, it was almost impossible to think about anything else. I could feel my heart starting to race, as well as my thoughts. What was I going to do? What would Joshua say? What would our families say? I was in full panic mode.
I called Joshua, ready to tell him what may be going on, but his phone went straight to voicemail. Enraged, I hung up the phone and threw it across the bed. Sprawling out on the mattress myself, I decided that I would watch some TV while I waited for him to come back.
I sat absentmindedly flipping through the channels for what seemed like forever until I just couldn’t take it anymore. There was a drug store that was a few blocks away from the hotel. I would have to walk, but maybe the night air would help clear my head. Grabbing the second key to the hotel room and my purse, I headed out.
Under the flickering of old fluorescent lights in the corner store, I bought a pregnancy test, a candy bar, and a soda. The teenage clerk barely looked at me, which was fine. I needed answers, not comments right now. If the test came back positive, my whole life would change…and maybe not for the better.
I all but ran back to the room and took the test. As the timer clicked down, I sat on the edge of the bed, waiting the two minutes that it was going to take to find out if I was pregnant or not. My mind was reeling as I waited impatiently to see if there would be one line or two. After the beep on my phone, I picked up the test and stared at it.
