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I held my breath, waiting for her reply. If she outright refused me, I couldn’t blame her. I would have to listen to her wishes, even if that was what I was most afraid of.
“I’m not sure,” she said after a few minutes, sighing and throwing her arms up. “I want to believe you, Ben, but your track record so far is terrible.”
I nodded quickly. “I know. But if we could just try? Take it one step at a time. I’m not asking you to trust me now, just give me a chance.”
She let out another sigh. She didn’t reply, but she went back to eating, instead of just getting up and walking away, and I hoped that meant she agreed.
Chapter Six
Ginger
Minutes after Ben and I had finished breakfast, and I’d left him to clean up the dishes, I was still in his apartment. I was in the living room, seated on the couch I’d spent the night on, wondering to myself just why I was still there.
“What the fuck am I doing,” I growled to myself.
There was no reason why I hadn't left yet. I’d gotten the apology from Ben that I’d been waiting for. We were…possibly going to try again in our relationship. At least, he’d asked, and I hadn't exactly said no. Was that really what I wanted, though? Because I was feeling confused now.
To go or not to go…
He was a room away, and while I couldn’t see him, I could hear him moving around. There was silence between us, and I wasn’t sure if it was just me, but the air in the apartment felt so fucking awkward.
Ben had apologized, and…what was supposed to come after that? We’d have a conversation? I’d talk to him about Fern, and he’d meet her?
“Crap!” I hissed, my eyes widening as I only then remembered my daughter. And my mom, who I’d left to go home without me last night, only I never made it home.
What the hell was I supposed to say to them!
My purse was on the floor right in front of the couch, and I picked it up, rooting inside for my phone. Before I could make the call, though, it rang, and the name that flashed on the screen was Mom. I answered quickly.
“Hello, Mom?” I said quickly. “I’m so sorry about not being home last night; I swear I can explain.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, worried about her being angry or disappointed. What would she have thought if her adult daughter stayed out all night, after going to meet her… An ex-boyfriend? Ben wasn’t even that because technically, we never broke up. He just up and left, and we were both hoping we could resolve the relationship with him back.
It wouldn’t happen so quickly, though!
“Honey,” Mom said after a minute of silence. “I was worried when you didn’t come home, but you don’t have to explain anything to me. I trust you.”
My breath caught in my throat at my mom’s words, and my eyes stung. She’d been the same when, after Ben had left, I’d told her I was pregnant, once I confirmed it. She had been so supportive then, and I didn’t think I could have gone through the pregnancy and giving birth, and raising my daughter if it wasn’t for my mom’s support.
“Sorry,” I sniffled. “I didn’t mean to stay out. I’ll come home soon.”
“Oh, honey, you don’t have to. I won’t ask what happened last night, but I hope the two of you are at least talking now. You should spend some time with him for now. Fern is fine, and I’ll be taking her with me into work. You don’t need to rush home.”
“All right, Mom. I’ll talk to you later.”
I hung up the call and spent a minute just staring at my phone. Ben walking into the living room brought me out of my daze, and I looked up at him.
“Was that your mother?” he asked. “What did she say?”
“Uh, she said she’s looking after Fern, so there’s no need for me to rush home.”
I held my breath and waited for him to ask about Fern. He’d seen her yesterday, and it wasn’t such a huge leap to guess the child was his. Even if he’d assumed I was with someone else after he’d left and Fern wasn’t his; I still waited for him to ask.
“Good,” Ben said, smiling. “We can go to our secret spot, then, because you’re free today.”
I sighed, disappointed because he hadn't asked. Did I want him to ask? I wasn’t sure how we were going to have that conversation, but it had to come up sometime, because he’d been there to see her call me Mommy. Or did he just not care about her at all?
“You can't just walk back into my life after all these years and expect that things are going to be how they were before,” I growled at him, feeling extra irritated because he hadn't asked about Fern. “Also, I said nothing about being free. There’s still work. Mom told me not to rush, not that I shouldn’t go in at all.”
“But I don’t expect everything to be the same,” Ben said quickly, speaking up in his defense. “I know things are different now. I just…want to get out of my apartment. I haven’t been leaving all that often,” he admitted, looking sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck as his head ducked down.
“Really?” I asked, surprised.
Ben had never been the kind of person to just stay in one place. He wasn’t the kind of teenage boy that spent hours in front of a TV, watching a movie or playing a video game. More often than not, he was outside getting up to some mischief with his friends.
He nodded. “Yeah. Just part of being a coward, I only ever leave to see my dad. I wouldn’t mind a different view.”
I looked down at myself and wrinkled my nose. “I don’t have a change of clothes, but can I at least have a shower then?”
“Sure. Let me give my sister a call, see if she can bring anything up for you.”
He pointed out the bathroom to me. I froze for a second when I realized the only bathroom was through his bedroom, but I needed a shower, so I went in. I took a quick wash, then stood in front of the bathroom mirror and rubbed some toothpaste into my teeth, before rinsing out my mouth. It was the best I could do without a toothbrush.
Scarlett had dropped some clothes by for me, and thankfully underwear, too. Ben left the clothes for me in the bedroom to get dressed; then we headed out. We took his car, and he drove us to the spot we’d called ours since we were high school sweethearts, even though plenty of people probably went to the same place.
It was this place high up, right at the edge of a drop where we had a view of the whole town. He parked the car, and I sat on the hood, with him leaning back against it, sitting beside me. We sat in silence, just breathing in the fresh air and taking in the view.
“Before, you mentioned a name. Fern…”
My heart skipped a beat in my chest as I looked up to see he was already looking at me.
“She’s my daughter,” he went on. “Isn’t she?”
I nodded slowly. He let out a harsh breath, his head falling back as he frowned. Then his head snapped up, and he met my eyes again.
“Can you tell me about her?”
My gaze drifted down because I couldn’t keep looking at him. He had on this haggard expression that let me know he sincerely regretted not being there for her.
“I have videos,” I told him. “I wasn’t sure if you’d even come back, but I thought it would be fair so that you wouldn’t miss out completely. She had her first steps when she was a year and a few months old. Then her first words. She would cry every time I wasn’t with her from the time she was born until she could properly walk. But then she started getting inquisitive about everything, so I couldn’t stand having her out of sight because I just knew she would get herself into some trouble.”
I’d gotten as much as possible on film, for Ben’s sake and mine so that I wouldn’t forget those early times. In the three years, Ben had been gone for; I’d used up plenty of memory cards saving up the films.
“Has she started school yet?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Not yet, but soon.”
He hummed. “Then I didn’t miss everything, at least.” He sighed and met my gaze as I looked up. “I was involved in a plane crash. I had several months of recovery, and I met a lot of doctors, including a shrink. Because my status wasn’t the best, I was given an early dismissal from duty. That’s why I came back home.”
I stared at him, wide-eyed, even as he turned to look back at the view.
