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“God, I miss him.” I blow out a heavy breath in order to help push back the burning tears.
“I know you do.” I sit the picture back down and point towards the newer pictures of the kids, trying to keep from breaking down.
“I can’t believe they’ve already gotten so big.”
I hate that I can’t see them in person, but right now it’s too risky for them to know I’m still alive. It’s enough of a gamble for me just staying in touch with
Kacey like I do.
“Yeah, I know. Lily just turned seven and Quinn is almost nine.” She lets out a sigh. “It doesn’t seem possible that so much time has gone by.” She’s right. It doesn’t.
“Are you okay?” She asks, her voice full of concern. She knows me well enough that she can tell something is very off with me. Even when Cole was alive, I rarely talked about what was going on in my life. Normally when she asks me this I just wave her off, but today is somehow different. She knows I’m here for a reason. My answer comes easy.
“No. No, I’m definitely not okay.”
For the next two hours, I tell her everything. I don’t hold back on my detailed confession. Every lie, every sick twisted addiction, seeps out of me, virtually draining me in the process. When I finish, I expect her to be horrified, revolted even, but she isn’t. There’s no judgment in her soft, blue eyes, instead, there’s something much worse… Pity. That is the last fucking thing I want from anyone. Guilt eats at me enough, as it is.
“Don’t do that,” I warn.
“Don’t do what? What am I doing?”
“You’re looking at me like you feel sorry for me. You know much I hate that.”
“When are you going to let this go? It wasn’t your fault, Payne. You have to know that by now.”
“Living is my fault. I shouldn’t be here. Cole should.” She stands and sits beside me on the couch, placing her arm around me. She’s so tiny, her arm only makes it halfway across my back.
“You were all on an impossible mission. It was doomed from the start. You did everything you could to try to save him.”
“But it wasn’t enough, was it?”
“Damn it, Payne. When are you ever going to get it through your thick skull? Cole wanted you to live. I’m glad you lived. Why can’t you be?”
“Because I didn’t have a family to come home to, he did. He had a future with you and them.” I point to the kid’s pictures. “I had nothing to come home to except my best friend and I still ended up losing everything. How can I be glad about that?”
“It sounds to me like you finally found something to be glad about. It’s why you ran from them. It’s the reason you’re here with me right now. You love her and it terrifies the hell out of you, doesn’t it?”
In love?
“Kacey, I-,”
“I know you better than anyone, Payne James. You’re scared of getting close to someone and then losing them, again. Am I right?”
She’s right. Of course, she would be. The painful truth practically slaps me across the face. As much as I want to fight how I feel for Devyn, it’s no use. I’m not just falling for her, I’m already hopelessly, madly, and irrefutably in love with the woman.
With the overload of unfamiliar emotions, I’m unable to look Kacey in the eye. Instead, I stare down at her hand, observing the way she absentmindedly rolls the diamond band around her delicate finger.
“You still wear his ring.”
She takes a deep breath and looks down at it. I remember when he slid that ring on her finger. I’d been proudly standing right beside him.
“Yeah. I do.”
I grab her hand in mine and give it a light, reassuring squeeze. “He’d want you to be happy, too, you know?”
“I am happy, Payne. I’ve got my kids and their healthy. My family is great. They live just on the other side of town. We’re surrounded with people who love us.” She pauses and then continues. “Believe it or not, deep down, I still feel Cole with me. It’s like he’s right beside me when I sleep. When I’m having a hard day, I just remember how lucky I am to still feel that connection with him, even though he’s not here physically with me. Right now, that’s enough for me.”
I nod. I understand exactly where she is coming from. She isn’t ready to let Cole go. Maybe she never will be. Only time will tell.
“Go back to her, to them. They need you, and, believe it or not, you need them, too.” She grabs hold of my hand and squeezes before laying her head on my shoulder. “You deserve them, Payne. God knows you deserve a family more than anyone I know.”
“But, I don’t know how to be a family, Kacey. It’s a battle enough every day just being me.”
“Just give up the battle and live. It’s what Cole wanted. Allow yourself to finally be happy. Let her love you.”
“She can’t love me. How can she? She doesn’t even know who I really am. If she ever finds out the truth, she’ll be the one running again.”
“Tell her. Tell her absolutely everything. Don’t hold anything back. Even the darkest times in our lives can bring us light. Love isn’t easy, Payne. It sometimes doesn’t play fair. I know that better than anyone. But loving him was worth all the pain. To have half our love again, I’d walk through hell and back. If she loves you, she’ll stay, she’ll listen, and she’ll forgive.”
I needed those words more than she will ever know. Once the early afternoon approaches, I say my reluctant goodbye and make my way back onto the old country road that leads into town. I have one more stop to make before I go.
Crouching down, I place flowers on Cole’s grave and brush away the dirt on top of his marker, slowly tracing my trembling finger over his name. The last time I’d been here was when I’d killed the man who’d betrayed our unit. I’d made my best friend a promise, and I kept it. Putting a bullet in that fucker’s head had been more than satisfying, but it still didn’t bring any of them back. Even now, as I look over to where he’s buried, it doesn’t seem real.
“I wish you were here. I wish you could help me get my head straight.” Kacey’s words play over in my head. “Your wife is something else, you know? She just kicked my ass pretty good.” I chuckle, wiping away the tear from my cheek. “I miss you, man. God, how I miss you.” I take a deep breath and stand, glancing over at the grave beside of his…mine.
“I should be in that grave, not you.” I run my hands through my hair and blow out a long breath. “But I think I finally found a reason to be grateful for living. Everything makes sense now. Because of you, I’m here to save someone else, someone I love. That, makes you more than a hero, I love you, brother. I’m going to make you proud.
As I salute his grave, I know what I have to do. For the first time, I know my purpose for living.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
HONEY
“You sure you don’t want to come with us? It’ll do you good to get away. We can lay by the pool and sip on frozen margaritas. Come on, what do you say?” Kyra looks at me sympathetically. Yesterday, I’d finally broken down and told her about being with Payne, keeping the main details to a minimum, of course.
“No, you two go ahead. Kason’s feeling better, I know he’ll love seeing your parents.”
“Honey, I’m really worried about you.” She sits down her purse on the kitchen counter.
“I’m fine. Fuck men, right?” I force a smile as I remind her of her infamous words. “Besides, I’ve got to work.” I lie. I still haven’t told her about my job situation.
“When that fucker shows his face, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. I’m so sorry he did this to you.”
I can’t help but laugh at her idle threats. I know her well enough to know that she’ll do exactly what she says. Kyra’s super protective of us, and I absolutely love her for it.
“I’d say I’d call you when we get there, but…” she jokes, referring to my broken phone.
“Yeah, I know.” I let out a frustrated breath. It’d been stupid of me to lose my temper that way.
I grab Kason’s bag off the couch and walk them out to the car, forcing a smile as they drive away. My heart sinks when I glance over at Payne’s house. It’s been three days and still no sign of him. I wrap my arms around my body and hesitantly walk back into the house. The very last thing I want is to be alone, but I’m certainly not good company for anyone to be around.
I close the door and glance around the living room, cringing at the deafening silen
ce that surrounds me. In desperate need of a distraction, I quickly pick up the remote and turn on some music, smiling when Uptown Funk begins playing. Dancing to the beat, I start picking up toys and straightening cushions, anything to pass the time. As I reposition the last pillow on the couch, I discover Payne’s ball cap, peeping out from beneath. A hard pain hits my chest as the rush of emotions hit me.
There’s only one way to handle this. With a sly smile, I head through the kitchen, pausing as I collect something from one of the cabinets. Once I’m outside, I lift the lid of the grill and sit the hat on the metal rack, quickly soaking it in lighter fluid. Striking the long kitchen match in my hand, I waste no time dropping it into the grill. A tall, orange flame grows larger and larger as the hat swiftly transforms into ash.
