AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Kason,” I reply, honestly. There’s no hiding the shame in my confession.
As scary as it is for me to admit that face, it’s true. If I hadn’t seen him that first night, I wouldn’t have hesitated to pull the trigger. I will have to live with the horrific guilt of that, for the rest of my life.
“So if it weren’t for him, I’d be dead… right?” Her words are slowly killing me.
“Honey, don’t do this. You have to understand, that was before I met you. I never expected to feel what I feel for you. You’ve changed me. I’m not the same man as I was then. I would die before I ever hurt you. You have to believe me.”
“Believe you? Ha!” she laughs. “Just who am I supposed to believe? Payne or Foxfire? I don’t even know what your real name is! Do you know how humiliated that makes me feel?”
“My name is Payne James. You’re the first person in over five years to know that. I still don’t know why I trusted you enough to tell you.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel special? Because, it doesn't. How do you think I feel? You know every single detail about me. I don’t know anything but your name and the way you like to fuck. What a match made in heaven, huh?”
Goddamnit!
She’s so angry with me. Heaven knows, she has every right to be furious. Unable to keep from touching her any longer,
I take her hands into mine. A look of confusion grows across her beautiful, sad face. She goes to pull away, and I grip tighter on her hands, holding her in place. I can’t let her slip away.
“Go ahead. Ask me anything. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” She looks away, but I squeeze her hands, making her look at me. “Anything,” I repeat, looking into her eyes. It’s torture to see her this way.
“Who are you?” She whispers. I lean up and pull her hands up to my lips. Through her tears, I can feel how close I am to losing her. There’s only one way I can convince her that I’m not the man who first came here on this mission.
“I can’t just tell you. I’ll have to show you.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
HONEY
Most might say I’m crazy for agreeing to come here with him, especially after everything that has happened. All I can say is that there was something in his eyes that begged and pleaded for me to have faith in his word, to give him the chance to redeem himself. Whether I choose to forgive him or not, I owe him at least that much.
For the entire drive, I listen intently to every single word he says. Through each painful confession, he bares his soul to me. By the time we pull into the cemetery where Cole is buried, I feel I know him in a completely different way. This man’s life is full of so many painful twists and turns that I find it amazing he can even feel anything. I never dreamed that I would ever meet someone with a more painful past to overcome than my own. Maybe that just proves how selfish my thinking has been for so long.
An icy cold chill rushes over me as I walk in front of Payne’s grave. In a way, part of him is truly buried here, right alongside his best friend. It’s a huge part of him I know he’ll never get back. Looking next to me, I see him kneeling down in front of Cole’s headstone. As I stand here next to him, I can feel the immense sadness radiating from his body. The guilt of living has almost eaten him alive.
I can’t explain the overwhelming need I have to comfort him. If only I knew some magical word to make it all better. I kneel behind him, hesitantly placing my shaking hands on his slumped shoulders. At first, my touch makes him jump, but then he quickly relaxes against my hands.
“I wish you could have met him.”
I can feel the overwhelming pain in his words.
“I already feel like I know him.” It’s true. After all the stories he’d told me on the way here, he’d painted a wonderful picture of their friendship. It’s obvious that Cole and Payne shared a brotherly bond that he will forever miss.
“He’d tell you that he never gave up on me, even when I’d given up on myself. More importantly, he’d tell you that I’m not the monster you think I am.”
His words stab me in the stomach. I don’t know what he wants me to say, but I can’t do this right now. I stand and step back away from him, in order to give him a private moment with his friend.
“I think I’m going to head back to the truck and give Kyra a call to check in. You take all the time you need, okay?”
He nods, keeping his head bowed. I know it’s because he’s too proud to let me witness the emotion on his face.
As I make the walk back to the truck, I feel compelled to turn around. My heart breaks at the sight of him saluting his friend. There is so much more to Payne James, more than even he realizes. Little by little, I’ve managed to unfold another layer of him. It’s only made me more determined to dig deeper, to understand the man I thought I loved.
And, as we head to our next stop, I have a feeling I’m about to learn even more about the man I love.
Staring out across the starry sky, I sit on the front porch swing and listen to the wonderful sounds of the country. With my head still trying to process everything, it’s impossible for me to sleep. Today is the first day Payne has seen Kacey and Cole’s kids since Cole died. It was so heartwarming to see him playing with them. It had taken some extra convincing, but Kacey had managed to settle his paranoia enough for Payne to agree for us to stay here overnight.
It’s funny how completely different he is around her. It’s like watching a big brother and little sister playfully joke and interact. As they both showed me pictures, I could see the heavy weight lift off him. I want him to let me in, but I don’t know if it’s safe. Through learning about his past, it’s obvious why he doesn’t stick around anywhere for very long. Perhaps it’s best I don’t get any more attached to him than I already have. It will only make things harder. Maybe this trip is more about forgiveness and realizing there is no future together with him.
“Can’t sleep either, huh?” Kacey’s voice catches me off guard.
“Oh, hey. Yeah. I don’t sleep well anyway.” She gives me a weary smile and nods.
“Care if I join you?” she asks, motioning to the empty spot next to me on the swing.
“No, not at all.” She smiles and sits beside of me, taking a deep breath of the warm night air.
“It’s so peaceful here.”
“Yes, it is. Cole and I used to sit out on this swing for hours, staring out into the stars. The stupid man would try to count them every time.”
She laughs and shakes her head before looking down. It’s painfully obvious how much she still misses him. I reach over and grab her hand and squeeze it. Even though I’ve only met her today, it feels like I’ve known her for years. She just has one of those souls. Kacey looks down at my hand and grins.
“He loves you, you know?”
Closing my eyes, I release her hand and stand. I walk toward the railing and lean my weight against it, hugging my arms tightly around my body. I’m already so drained from today, I don’t think I can handle getting into this with her.
“I know you may not want to hear what I have to say, but I feel like you need to know a few things, things that Payne’s too humble to admit. Since Cole died, he’s done so much for us. If it weren’t for him, the kids and I would’ve lost this place. But because of his generosity, my kids have a home that their dad was a part of. He’s even set aside a fund for their education when they get older. So many burdens have been lifted off me, and I’ll always be grateful to him for that.”
Her face grows very serious as she continues.
“Payne’s never let himself heal from what happened. It wasn’t until he came to see me this last time that I knew something had changed in him. You’ve changed him, Honey. He has a purpose with you and your son. There’s so much love and hope in his eyes now. He’s a always been a good man, Honey, but he’s even better of a man with you in his life.”
“How do you know that’s what he sees in me?”
“I know because it’s the same way Cole used to look at me.”
“I don’t know if I can come back from all of this. There’s so much to take in that I can’t even think straight.”
“That’s just it,” she steps beside of me. “You don’t have to think, to love…you just have to feel it, to trust in it. Cole’s been gone for almost six years, and I still feel his love every minute of every day. Through loving him, I’m able to carry on and raise our kids like he would want.
Look, you don’t have to understand it right now, Honey. I’m sure it will take a while for everything to make sense. And God knows, I know first hand just how much of a stubborn ass Payne James can be. But whatever you do, please don’t let him go. That man has been through hell and back, just like you have. You both deserve to finally be happy. Just love him and everything will fall into place. I promise.”
I don’t realize I’m crying until she wipes the tears away with her hand. When she pulls me into a tight hug, I feel as if the last piece of the puzzle has finally fallen into place.
The light in Cole’s workshop glows brightly from beneath the old wooden door. Before Kacey went back to bed, she’d told me Payne would be out here, no doubt reminiscing. As I step inside, he surprisingly doesn’t turn around to face me. Closing the creaking wooden door behind me, I take a couple of steps toward him and then
stop, hesitant of how to approach him. Maybe this isn’t the best time or place to do this, but one way or another, he and I have to talk. I can’t go another minute with this giant rift that lies between us.
He sighs, slumping his shoulders as he grips onto the workstation in front of him. He looks defeated, tired.
“It’s too late, isn’t it?”
“Payne-,” I open my mouth to begin my rehearsed speech, but he turns and continues speaking before I can utter a word.
“There aren’t enough words to say how sorry I am… for everything. I never meant to hurt you or Kason. That’s the very last thing I wanted. I can’t change the past, Honey. But, I’d give anything to make you see that I’m not the horrible person you think I am.”
