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She shook her head, her gaze falling to Marley, who was sound asleep on my shoulder.
“He got in touch with me, finally, after that. Derek wanted to relinquish his parental rights. In order for that to happen, I had to approve it. So I did…”
“You never made him pay child support?”
“Not a cent.”
“Why the hell not?”
“He wasn’t giving up his rights to get out of paying. He couldn’t.” She looked at me then. “Derek never even knew I was considering going to court about that. I never said a word. He was giving up his rights because he didn’t want anything to do with them. He never did. I just didn’t believe him until he took it that far.”
I pulled in a deep breath and released it slowly. “I don’t know, Jenna. I would’ve still made him pay.”
“It hurt me when he did that,” she whispered. Tears welled up in her eyes again. They beaded on her lashes. “More than anything…more than when he asked me to abort them, and I can’t explain to you why. Maybe it was because he’d seen pictures of them and knew they existed, and I couldn’t understand how he could still want nothing to do with them. I looked at my children once and I would’ve done anything to know them. I was with them every day, all day long, and when I started taking classes again and had to leave them for two, three hours at the most, I missed them so badly, I considered dropping out again. I considered it every time I went to class. Derek knew they existed and he still chose not to meet them, and when he contacted me that day, I realized nothing was going to change. I didn’t want to fight with him for child support. I didn’t want to send him invitations to parties every year and see the look on my kids’ faces when their father didn’t bother showing up. I thought they’d be better off without him instead of being constantly rejected, and ninety-five percent of the time, they are. They’re great. You see them. You know. They’re the happiest kids.”
She blinked, sending a stream of tears down her cheeks. Her chest shuddered.
“But then there’s that other five percent of the time when I can’t be both parents, and it doesn’t matter that they have an uncle who would do anything for them because he’s not their dad. Olivia doesn’t want to take Brian to the daddy/daughter dance, but she does, and even though she’s smiling in their pictures, she’ll cry herself to sleep that night. And it kills me…I want to hate Derek so badly, Nathan, and I can’t. I won’t say a bad word about him, because what if—I won’t be able to take it back. Oliver and Olivia wouldn’t understand. They want their father to want them. That’s it!”
She wiped away tears as more continued to fall.
“Everyone thinks I’m crazy, and I might be. I don’t know! I ignore my parents, who think I should write him off, and my brother, who can’t believe I’m still holding out for something…I ignore everyone, and I don’t hate him. My son is devastated right now, but I don’t hate Derek. I can’t. I…” Jenna whimpered, cupping her mouth with her hand, and began to cry harder.
I reached out without a word, wrapped my arm around her small shoulders, and drew her against me. For a moment I feared I’d pulled Jenna a little too roughly and held my breath. My desperation to do this felt like its own living, breathing force, completely separate from me and out of my control. But Jenna didn’t seem to mind what I’d done.
She molded to the left side of my body. Her face turned into my chest. Her hand gripped the waist of my shirt. She fit against me with urgency, but was still cautious of Marley, who was sound asleep, head on my shoulder and body limp. When my daughter stirred in a dream, Jenna turned her head away and slid an inch along my ribs. I closed my eyes, mouth pressed to her hair, and simply held her. It was a miracle I’d waited as long as I had. The second I’d seen her tears, I’d wanted to do this…
No, the second I’d stepped outside with her, or walked in the front door. Pick one—they were all true.
I forced myself to relax as much as I could. My grip around her body felt severe, and my fucking heart hurt. Screw calling this guy. I wanted to drag him here by his neck, bleeding and bruised. I wanted him begging for forgiveness. He didn’t deserve to know them. He didn’t deserve to fucking live another second.
After a minute, two at the most, Jenna had calmed down enough her body was no longer shaking. I couldn’t hear her agony. Only the quiet hiccups in her breath.
