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“I need to call her.”
“Is there a reason you haven’t?”
“She knows I forgot. She was here on Thursday.”
“I see.” Dad was silent for a moment. “You don’t want her thinking you’re the kind of man to forget something like that.”
“That’s not all I’m worried about,” I said.
“Okay. What else is stopping you from calling her?”
I dropped my head and buried my face in Marley’s hair. Tears built in my eyes as my father laid a comforting hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t do this right now, but fuck, I wanted to. I wanted to get past this.
“What I feel for her—it’s more than I’ve felt for anyone, including Sadie.”
“And you don’t think you should feel that?”
“I don’t understand how I could feel it. I loved Sadie, Dad. I married her…What the hell am I feeling for Jenna if it’s already more than that?” And what will it become?
My father dropped his hand and turned in his chair to face me. “Nathan, I’m going to say a few things, and I want you to let me finish before you step in, okay? Can you give me that?”
“Yeah.”
Shit. That was all he was asking for? Momentary silence? He could have it. I owed him a lot more.
“You and Sadie loved each other, there was no doubt about that, but I’m not sure either one of you ever really needed the other. I don’t think you allowed yourself to feel that for her, and I don’t think she did either. Or maybe you simply couldn’t. Whatever the case, I never saw a dependency there. You were solid with her and you were solid on your own. I think she was the same, until she wasn’t.”
Anger burned in my blood. I was solid without her? What the fuck did that mean?
I quickly looked over at him, ready to question whatever the hell this bullshit was he was trying to say, but I bit my tongue when I remembered the request to let him finish.
“I’m not saying that was necessarily a bad thing.” He paused in thought. “I’m not saying it wasn’t either. None of us know what Sadie was going through, but I refuse to put any blame on her and I sure as hell won’t put it on you, so I’m going to move on and say that it’s okay to need other people, Nathan. It is okay to let yourself rely on someone so they can help you through this life that can sure as hell be a real kick in the ass sometimes. I think what you’re feeling for this woman is just that—you need her. And I hope I don’t have to explain myself and clarify that I do not mean you need her in terms of watching Marley…”
“No, I know what you mean.”
“This feels different to you because it is different,” Dad went on. “It’s bigger. When you move past loving someone to needing them—they become a necessity to your own survival. You no longer get to decide whether you can be without this person. You can’t. It’s decided for you. I think you’re having difficulty understanding this because you’ve never felt it before. I also think maybe you’re a little scared of it for the same reason.”
I considered his explanation. I stepped outside of my own reaction to look at it more clearly, and fuck, he was right. How did I not see what this was? I did need Jenna. From the very beginning, I was better with her. Being together, simply listening to her voice and the things she would say to me, her encouragement, everything. Around Jenna I was who I wanted to be.
And even though it was strange and somewhat difficult to analyze my relationship with Sadie now, with her gone, I couldn’t deny the truth. We hadn’t been dependent on each other. We worked just as well together as we did on our own. We didn’t rely on the other person for anything. That wasn’t us.
“Why didn’t I need Sadie?” I asked. “Why didn’t I get there with her?”
My father was shaking his head before I finished speaking. “I don’t have the answer to that, Nathan. I don’t know if there is one…but I want to be clear on one thing: It doesn’t matter if that guilt is yours and something only you can understand—it’s okay to let someone help you through it. In fact, I think it’s vital. Don’t fight this.”
“I’m not.”
“Nathan.”
My nostrils flared as I pulled in a breath. I wiped wetness from my eyes. “Dad, come on…”
“Don’t come on me. I know you. I know there’s things we haven’t talked about and maybe you’ll never talk about them with me, and I’ll deal with that as long as I know you’re going to give that woman everything you’re feeling. Promise me you’ll do that, son. Hey.” He gripped my neck when I looked away and leaned in, gently forcing me to do the same. Our foreheads touched. “Promise me,” he begged, his voice tight. “You gotta have help with this, Nathan. We all lost Sadie. We are not losing you.”
