AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I could barely see him through the tears in my eyes. “How did you know?”
He stroked my neck, smiling a little as he sat back. “Do you think I don’t see your guilt? That’s another thing about being a parent—no one knows your child better than you do.”
“I’m sorry…fuck.” I pulled my glasses off and wiped my forearm across my face. “I know I should’ve talked about it. It’s just hard.”
“I know it is. I can only imagine the weight you carry around with you. There are things I’ve told your mother that have been difficult to share, but I don’t hold back with her. She gets it all. And that’s not just for me, Nathan. When I let her in like that, that’s for her too. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sure that woman wanted to be here…”
“Her name is Jenna.”
“Sorry. I’m sure Jenna wanted to be here…”
“I wanted her here. I always do. It’s just…” I looked down, gritting my teeth. “I was embarrassed. The whole thing, it messed me up. It’s still messing me up. I never would’ve told her I forgot about Sadie. I wouldn’t want her thinking I could do that.”
“Well, I’m going to tell you right now—that would’ve gotten you into trouble.”
“What would’ve?” I lifted my gaze.
“Not sharing something like that,” he explained. “Letting that eat away at you…”
“I’d rather Jenna not know about it than have her look at me any different.”
“Nathan.” My father shook his head and sighed through his nose.
“I can’t lose her, Dad.”
“You’re going to lose her if you don’t let her in.” We stared at each other for a moment. “You can’t worry about what-ifs, Nathan. That’s no way to live.” He brought his arms across his chest. “Your fear will make you miss out on a lot of things if you let it. Don’t forget how close you were to missing out on her.” He tipped his chin at Marley.
I pressed my mouth to her soft hair as I tried to imagine not knowing my daughter the way I did now. I couldn’t even fathom it.
And Jenna…the best parts of me were a tribute to her. What was I without her?
“I’m worried I’ll always be scared of this,” I said. “Not enough to keep me from being with Jenna though. There’s nothing that could stop me from that.”
“The risk is what you’re afraid of—how much you have to lose. I’d worry more if you weren’t scared of it, to be honest.”
I breathed a laugh, meeting his eyes. “You say that like you know how I feel.”
My father slowly smiled. “The moment I think I’m okay with the possibility of being without your mother is the moment I’ll need to reevaluate my entire life. I’m scared every day, son. Of loving her, of losing her. That’s how I know it’s right.”
Marley stirred awake in my arms then and lifted her head off my chest. She rubbed at her eye, then peered behind her at my dad.
“There’s my angel.” Dad sat forward, arms outstretched, and took her from me.
“TaTa!” Marley crawled into his lap and hugged him.
I watched the goofiest grin take up my father’s face, and I laughed. “I thought you hated that nickname.”
My father was supposed to be Pop Pop, but Marley had difficulty pronouncing that early on. TaTa stuck with her. You couldn’t get her to call him anything else.
“Oh, it isn’t so bad,” he said, rubbing her back. He watched me over the top of her head and smiled with emotion in his eyes. “Take the risk, Nathan. It’s scary, but it’s worth it.”
“I will. I want to.” God, did I want to.
I pulled out my phone, but paused before I made the call, and looked at him again. My intention must’ve been written all over my face, because I didn’t even need to ask the favor. He knew.
Dad got to his feet, holding Marley. “Your mother was wanting to visit, but she had some appointments she couldn’t move around. How about I take this one home with me and you can pick her up later?”
I stood then too. “That would be great. Thanks.” I leaned in and kissed Marley’s temple. Then I looked at my dad.
Fuck, I owed him. I owed him more than I could ever give back.
“There’s no need for any more words right now. Just give me a hug, son.” He held out his arm.
I stepped in, reciprocating the embrace.
After Dad drove off with Marley, I went upstairs and got showered and dressed, then drove over to Jenna’s apartment.
I knocked on her door. No one answered.Chapter Twenty-ThreeJENNANathan had said he would call, so I waited for it. I didn’t reach out to him. I had pushed enough.
On Friday, the kids wondered why we weren’t hanging out with him and Marley, since we typically spent his days off together. On Saturday, they questioned why we weren’t going to his house like we normally would.
