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‘Only to say goodbye. Only because you were gallant.’
He almost smiled. ‘I was never gallant in all my life. I might not remember much of that time, but I know that for certain. I might not have recognised it then, but there was some fundamental pull between us. I hardly knew you and yet I took one look and married you. That’s not the kind of thing I’d do.’ He shook his head. ‘There was something, there was always something. There had to have been.’ He caught her hand as she held it up to stop him. ‘I know I can’t make you believe me about that back then. But believe me now.’
‘Tomas.’ The tears trickled down her face. ‘You didn’t like what you saw in my uncle. In my situation. You saw a way to help me, so you took it. That was all it was. You would have done that for anyone.’
‘No, I wouldn’t. And even if that were true, then I finally have reason to be glad about the accident. Without this memory loss you might never have come back into my life.’ He shook his head. ‘That would have been the real tragedy.’
‘No.’
He couldn’t bear to see the tears spilling from her eyes. She was distraught and it was destroying him inside and he was so screwing this up. ‘But I think if I hadn’t had the accident I’d have tracked you down anyway. Why else did I get Jasper to delay filing for the annulment if I didn’t have some other plan in mind?’
But she shook her head again.
Frustration welled up in him. He needed to make her understand how he felt—what she meant to him. But he’d never opened up to another soul in this way. Never felt this way.
A ring wasn’t personal enough for them. Marriage wasn’t personal enough—not for them. He wanted to leave an indelible mark on her—brand her as being his. Only his and always his. Because she’d burned her mark on his heart. He might as well tear it from his chest and give it to her on his knees because he was so totally, utterly hers.
Yet at the same time, he never wanted to hurt her or see her hurt again. She was too precious and he didn’t know how to keep her close and safe.
He wanted to make her smile again, to make that dimple peep at him and that softly wicked look enter her eyes. But if he had any chance of making that happen, then he had to do the hardest thing and be completely honest with her.
‘Tomas?’ she murmured as he reached out and framed her face with his hands so he could see into her beautiful eyes and draw the courage he needed from the luminous emotion he saw shining there.
For a second he couldn’t speak. He’d been alone all his life. Never more so than in this last year. And oddly, never more so than in this minute. He had only this chance to bridge the gap between them; he needed to do it right.
‘I need to tell you the truth,’ he confessed, holding her closer. ‘I need you to listen. Can you do that?’
‘Of course.’
And he needed her to believe him. ‘I was horrible and I lied. It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that I don’t trust myself.’
He dug into his pocket and pulled out a black leather-bound book.
‘Read it.’ He handed it to her.
‘It’s your personal journal.’
‘Read it.’
Zara nervously opened the journal, reading the entry on the page it had opened to. Dated from a few months ago, it simply detailed all the research he’d done that day. The decisions he’d made. Same with the next entry, and the next, and the next. What soon shone from the pages was the stark lack of interaction with other people. There were emails, occasional phone calls but rarely any meetings. Those there were were only with Jasper. She knew he barely met with his household staff. So it wasn’t so much what he’d written, but everything that was missing. It was just as she’d feared.
‘Incredibly boring, isn’t it?’ He reached across and turned the pages faster. ‘Skip a few, they’re all the same.’
But she didn’t want to read the entries from the last week. From when she was there.
But when she turned to the pages there was only one word written under each date.
Zara.
‘I couldn’t capture it then,’ he explained in a low voice. ‘I couldn’t face it myself, let alone write it. Turn to today.’
Apologise. Bring her back. Love her.
He closed the book and dropped it to the ground, stepping closer to her at the same time. ‘I sent you away because I was trying to do the right thing but I did it horribly. I made you think I didn’t care. I deliberately said things I knew would hurt you most because I wanted to drive you away. I wanted to hurt you so you’d hate me. So you’d turn and leave and never come back. But now here you are, back again.’ He smiled sadly. ‘Because you were concerned about me?’
She nodded.
‘Because you love me?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘But you don’t believe me.’
‘I don’t deserve your love, Zara. But I’m going to take it. And I’m never giving it up again.’ He held her so she couldn’t step away. ‘I’m never letting you go again.’
She pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to hold back her sobs, because it was so important she listen and hear him. She ached to understand.
‘I’m terrified of losing more. Of losing all this. The mornings are the worst. I wake up and then remember how much I’ve lost. Every day it’s like a weight that gets dumped on me, dragging me down. But that morning I woke up with you beside me and it was the best morning that I can remember ever. It didn’t matter any more because you were there smiling at me.’
She remembered his smile. The way he’d held her. She remembered the sheer joyous vitality pouring from his body.
‘But then Jasper arrived,’ she said.
‘I felt betrayed.’ He nodded. ‘I hated that you knew all this stuff I’d missed. It crystallised all my worst fears. But most of all I was so bitterly disappointed. There was a part of me who’d wanted what I shared with you to be new and fresh. I hoped that you could accept me as I am now, that you’d never really know how broken I was. But you knew exactly how broken I was. You knew me from before. And I didn’t want you lumbered with someone so...’ He trailed off.
Her heart broke for him.
‘You’d had enough of a rough time trapped in a horrible environment. You don’t need a man who isn’t one hundred per cent. Someone who...’
‘Tomas—’
‘But I’m selfish. I’m so selfish. And I want you too much. I don’t want to let you go even when I know I should. I used to hope it would come back. I need to lose that hope. Just as I need to lose the fear I might lose more of my memory. I need to stop hiding and live now,’ he said. ‘You showed me everything I’m missing out on and now I want it all. I want you with me. I was afraid of waking up and not remembering you. But waking up now and not having you with me is a nightmare. I’m living one without you. I can’t bear to wake up tomorrow morning and not have you be the first thing I see. Nothing is right when I don’t see you first thing. I need you next to me.’
‘Tomas—’
‘I love you, Zara. I’m sorry I drove you away. I’ve never regretted anything more. It is the worst thing in the world when a person you love leaves you. I know this too well and I’m sorry I hurt you.’
But she needed to tell him the truth too. ‘It’s so awful of me but there’s a part of me that’s glad you can’t remember that day. I don’t want you to know
how truly weak I was then. I hate how I was then.’ She hated that she hadn’t had the strength to leave of her own accord. That she’d needed his help.
‘You would have rescued yourself eventually,’ he said.
Would she? These things took a strength that was hard to come by. Hard when you’d been through years of being belittled. Undervalued. Unloved.
And people wanted love. People put up with all kinds of horrible for the paltry bit of love thrown their way. People clung on in the hope that it would get better. She’d been that person. She’d tried so hard for so long because she’d wanted that approval and that love.
She’d wanted what she’d lost when her parents had died. That security and safety and sense of belonging.
‘You’re more resourceful than you like to believe. Stronger than you know. But back then you were alone and unloved and a bit damaged.’ He lifted a shoulder. ‘But, you know, I’m a bit damaged too. That’s okay. We’re still okay.’
She looked into his eyes. He was so very right.
‘Can you just hold me?’ she begged.
His arms came around her and she cried. He held her close, rocking her gently as she let go of all the awful tension and doubt.
‘I’m so sorry.’ She sniffed. ‘I’ve made your shirt all wet.’
‘Never apologise,’ he whispered. ‘Stay with me now.’
She could finally smile. Finally believe it. ‘Will you come back into the world more with me?’
‘Haven’t I already? The whole world knows the truth about me now.’
‘You did that because of me?’
He nodded. ‘I want to stop hiding. Stop being afraid. And I know you need more of the world because you were constrained for so long by your uncle. So we don’t have to stay here at Raxworthy if you don’t want to.’
Her jaw dropped. ‘I adore this home and I’d love nothing more than to live here with you.’ Frankly she’d live anywhere with him.
‘You’ll work on your business?’
‘Just try and stop me.’
He grinned, the tension finally easing in his features. ‘Thank goodness. I love being your guinea pig.’
She cupped his jaw with her hand. ‘Maybe we could throw open the gates and show the gardens again. Just once a month.’ They could let the world in, just a little.
